How to cope with mother who is needy, emotionally abusive, and manipulative? (LONG POST)

[Anonymous]

Your mother is mentally ill, doesn't see it and won't treat it, and she's done a number on you in the process.

Get to therapy. Go see someone who knows about hoarding, as that will cover a lot of related ground (ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc).

Your mother is never going to be happy with your relationship--or possibly even happy at all. Nothing's going to change that without her getting treatment.

As sad as that fact is, let it be freeing. Live your life the way you wish. Have holidays at your home, go where you want to go.

A good friend of mine has a very similar mother, but does not live locally to her, thank goodness. She finally told her mom to expect weekly calls, not daily, and if she kept calling constantly (as she had been doing) not to expect the weekly call. It took awhile, but it worked, and now my friend occasionally even enjoys conversations with her mom.

You can do this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely agree that you need to set boundaries that you feel comfortable with. I just can't help thinking about the other side though when I read these posts about needy mothers. Can you have an honest convo with her and figure out how BOTH of your needs can be met? You do love her and want her to know that AND you also need to not feel overwhelmed by her. It's a tough balance.

NP here, but people who are like this aren't able to empathize and think about things like this. They see the world only as how it relates to them.

+100

I've dealt with a few.

[Anonymous]

np I have been doing family therapy with my mom for a couple of years. She often says she is quitting. It is the only way I am comfortable speaking with my parents.

[ChallengerDream91]

Hello... I am a new member and I saw this thread.

I am finding that my mom is starting to be EXTREMELY difficult to deal with. She is VERY opinionated and if I don't responds in a way she thinks I should, I am vilified.

Couple months ago she caused me to have an anxiety attack and took me months to recover from it. I am afraid to talk to her, if I don't call (sometimes I get busy) I am ignoring her. I feel like I am ready for the nut house after she goes on her her rampages. I am seeing a therapist in September for help in dealing with her.

But lately she has been good so I can't post anything in particular but it certainly nice I have found somewhere I can rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is mentally ill, doesn't see it and won't treat it, and she's done a number on you in the process.

Get to therapy. Go see someone who knows about hoarding, as that will cover a lot of related ground (ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc).

Your mother is never going to be happy with your relationship--or possibly even happy at all. Nothing's going to change that without her getting treatment.

As sad as that fact is, let it be freeing. Live your life the way you wish. Have holidays at your home, go where you want to go.

A good friend of mine has a very similar mother, but does not live locally to her, thank goodness. She finally told her mom to expect weekly calls, not daily, and if she kept calling constantly (as she had been doing) not to expect the weekly call. It took awhile, but it worked, and now my friend occasionally even enjoys conversations with her mom.

You can do this too.

This is fascinating-I kept thinking my mother wasn't a hoarder, because her stuff is mostly well-kept though it crowds the entire house, and you can barely walk through it without knocking everything off tables, walls, etc. I didn't realize that the hoarding is a manifestation of the other problems. I also really, really wish I could get up the nerve to tell her I will call her once a week or even every other day! She calls multiple times a day, and I usually send the first 2 into voice mail, but she just keeps calling! I would love to have a holiday at my house without the drama of not including her. Every event with her included turns into a major multi step, convoluted craziness. (So and so has to pick up the turkey, and she'll cook some at her house, but then her friend's brother's wife is going to make a cake, etc, etc, etc.) It's so weird to me that everything has to include as many people as possible, with her being the ringmaster. I have done therapy in the past, but never able to keep it going. I think I need to make it more of a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are a good daughter. Your mother is manipulative and controlling. You do need to put boundaries in place. Your mother is asking too much of you, it isn't healthy.

You should have a look at Out of the Fog forum. It has so much useful information for these types of relationships. I think it will benefit you immensely.

Thank you! I didn't even know this existed. Will check it out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is mentally ill, doesn't see it and won't treat it, and she's done a number on you in the process.

Get to therapy. Go see someone who knows about hoarding, as that will cover a lot of related ground (ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc).

Your mother is never going to be happy with your relationship--or possibly even happy at all. Nothing's going to change that without her getting treatment.

As sad as that fact is, let it be freeing. Live your life the way you wish. Have holidays at your home, go where you want to go.

A good friend of mine has a very similar mother, but does not live locally to her, thank goodness. She finally told her mom to expect weekly calls, not daily, and if she kept calling constantly (as she had been doing) not to expect the weekly call. It took awhile, but it worked, and now my friend occasionally even enjoys conversations with her mom.

You can do this too.

This is fascinating-I kept thinking my mother wasn't a hoarder, because her stuff is mostly well-kept though it crowds the entire house, and you can barely walk through it without knocking everything off tables, walls, etc. I didn't realize that the hoarding is a manifestation of the other problems. I also really, really wish I could get up the nerve to tell her I will call her once a week or even every other day! She calls multiple times a day, and I usually send the first 2 into voice mail, but she just keeps calling! I would love to have a holiday at my house without the drama of not including her. Every event with her included turns into a major multi step, convoluted craziness. (So and so has to pick up the turkey, and she'll cook some at her house, but then her friend's brother's wife is going to make a cake, etc, etc, etc.) It's so weird to me that everything has to include as many people as possible, with her being the ringmaster. I have done therapy in the past, but never able to keep it going. I think I need to make it more of a priority.

Ooops-ETA I knew she was a hoarder, but didn't quite grasp that it was the bad type of hoarding because of how well curated (for the most part) that she keeps her stuff. But, it's a LOT of just random crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely agree that you need to set boundaries that you feel comfortable with. I just can't help thinking about the other side though when I read these posts about needy mothers. Can you have an honest convo with her and figure out how BOTH of your needs can be met? You do love her and want her to know that AND you also need to not feel overwhelmed by her. It's a tough balance.

NP here, but people who are like this aren't able to empathize and think about things like this. They see the world only as how it relates to them.

Agree with NPs post-I used to think my mom was so big hearted and would do anything for anyone, and mostly, she would. Except it's only for the praise and glory that people heap on her. And then if that person is not nice to her? OMG it's weeks of "I did X for so-and-so and she was such an asshole to me that blah, blah, blah" It's All. About. Her. all the time.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar mom.

What's worked for me:
Call early in the day so she's not irritated.
Call every day so she can't say I'm not in touch enough.
Visit as often as I want to. Not more often. Not less.

Do what I can. Don't expect her to be kind or nice to me ever. Just do what I can do happily, without praise or appreciation.

Also therapy. Lots of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is mentally ill, doesn't see it and won't treat it, and she's done a number on you in the process.

Get to therapy. Go see someone who knows about hoarding, as that will cover a lot of related ground (ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc).

Your mother is never going to be happy with your relationship--or possibly even happy at all. Nothing's going to change that without her getting treatment.

As sad as that fact is, let it be freeing. Live your life the way you wish. Have holidays at your home, go where you want to go.

A good friend of mine has a very similar mother, but does not live locally to her, thank goodness. She finally told her mom to expect weekly calls, not daily, and if she kept calling constantly (as she had been doing) not to expect the weekly call. It took awhile, but it worked, and now my friend occasionally even enjoys conversations with her mom.

You can do this too.

This is fascinating-I kept thinking my mother wasn't a hoarder, because her stuff is mostly well-kept though it crowds the entire house, and you can barely walk through it without knocking everything off tables, walls, etc. I didn't realize that the hoarding is a manifestation of the other problems. I also really, really wish I could get up the nerve to tell her I will call her once a week or even every other day! She calls multiple times a day, and I usually send the first 2 into voice mail, but she just keeps calling! I would love to have a holiday at my house without the drama of not including her. Every event with her included turns into a major multi step, convoluted craziness. (So and so has to pick up the turkey, and she'll cook some at her house, but then her friend's brother's wife is going to make a cake, etc, etc, etc.) It's so weird to me that everything has to include as many people as possible, with her being the ringmaster. I have done therapy in the past, but never able to keep it going. I think I need to make it more of a priority.

I'm the PP.

Yep, make it a priority and do some reading on hoarding syndrome too. It will all help. I've been through a hoarding clean up and move out with a close relative, and I went to cognitive behavioral therapy with a hoarding specialist for about 4-5 months to get through it. You need a therapist's encouragement to see and defend your own self and needs. You matter, OP.

Google "children of hoarders" and you'll find some good resources.