Reply to How to cope with mother who is needy, emotionally abusive, and manipulative? (LONG POST)

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[quote=Anonymous](LONG POST WARNNG! Sorry everyone-would still love any advice)

Growing up, my own mother (now age 75) was very inattentive and emotionally distant, and we didn't form any deep connection. She married my father very young, they divorced when I was in high school and then it was "her time" dating lots of different people, traveling, etc and leaving me and my siblings (I'm the oldest) to pretty much fend for ourselves. What I remember from my childhood is her on the phone gossiping about everyone or going out with her friends. Even though I grew up outside of DC, we never went to museums, a play, a movie, the zoo or anything. She never read to me, or helped with homework or showed any interest in my education (I was the first in my family on both sides to go to college). She did start a business to support us and she did mostly pay for college. I learned the hard way that she had stopped paying tuition when I was almost kicked out of school. Fortunately a dean took pity on me and walked me through loan applications so I could stay.

She always wanted me to be her best friend, and she would confide in me about her boyfriends and sexual awakening after being married to my dad for 16 years (which I did NOT want to hear). When I was 18 she encouraged me to be in a relationship with my dermatologist who was 40 years older than me because he was very wealthy and could buy me whatever I wanted. I dated him for a few months, then got out of what was turning into a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship.

Fortunately, I met a wonderful guy and we've now been married for 30 years. We bought a house in DC when we first got married and we've been here ever since. We have a great life, very successful professionally, well-off financially. Our kids are out of college now with successful young lives of their own. My parents both remarried and live in the suburbs. My father also was distant and then dropped out of my life for a while after the divorce. I like my stepmother, and they both have their own hobbies that they do and are financially stable. My relationship with him is fine, though not terribly close.

I've never really gotten along with my stepfather, but have tolerated him because he makes my mother happy. He's racist, bigoted, and extremely irresponsible with their finances. For years, there was always a get rich quick scheme to invest in, and their house is mortgaged to the hilt.  He looked down on people like my husband and me for going to college and shlepping into an office every day. He fancies himself an entrepreneur, but he's never been wildly successful. My mother is a hoarder and spends thousands of dollars over the years "collecting" ephemera-think Beanie Babies, Happy Meal toys etc. She's not messy or anything, and she keeps all of her stuff displayed and clean. But I am not exaggerating when I say there is not even a spot on her walls that doesn't have something on it. I get extreme anxiety when I go to her house because it's so jammed with stuff. Someone is always knocking something off the walls or the counters. Nevertheless we all troop out there (she lives about an hour away from DC) for holidays.

My mother has gotten increasingly more needy as the years have worn on. At first she begged us to move out to be closer to her, now demands that we see her and visit with her and my stepfather weekly. (When I had the chance to study abroad in college, she begged and told me she couldn't stand it if I was that far away, so I turned it down. After we got married, we almost moved to California, but she convinced me to stay local, and so I talked my husband out of it. Both decisions I regret to this day.) I have tried to put up some boundaries, with daily phone calls, and meeting her for brunch or dinner out. The phone calls are always her gossiping about her friends, family or complaining about some potential medical issue. She doesn't really want to hear about what's happening in my life or any non-gossipy "news".

She shows up at my house every couple of weeks to drop off food or something she bought for us with my stepfather in tow. He has cancer but she has him drive her all over the DMV visiting friends, going on short day trips, etc. As I've gotten older, I've been able to see my mother more clearly. Her gossiping about people always gets back to them, and she has very few good friends. She can never sit still, and when we go over there, she's still on her phone (now with a major Facebook obsession!) and still doesn't really engage or interact with me or my family. (Even though she would always beg for the grandkids to visit her, when they were little, she usually sent them into the tv room by themselves.) She did try to help out when one of my kids was born with a medical condition and she would come over to give me a break. But she was never really helpful-I usually ended up cooking for everyone and having to pay attention to her when my child needed me much more.

She sends me texts talking about how she doesn't really have a daughter, she's all alone, has no friends, etc etc. She goes on an on about how I never spend time with her, go over to her house or take her to dinner. The truth is I don't really want to hang out with her. I have a job, do a lot of volunteer work, try to keep my house in order, hang out with my husband and kids and friends here. Even though I think I do enough for and with her, it's complicated since we're within an hour's drive, and she expects so much more of my time and attention. She has no medical issues or ailments, though she always complains about her health. I don't think any time I could spend with her would ever be enough, but I still end up feeling guilty and like a bad daughter. My husband says no way, she's controlling and manipulative, but her last set of texts really bummed me out. She said again that she's all alone, and no one cares about her and my stepdad and it's not going to ever change "until they are dead". She has these outbursts every few months, and I usually just ignore (I've tried suggesting she go to a doctor for depression-she rejected it completely. Says she just needs me to do more with her.) I think she wants to control me to do what she wants, when she wants. She wants me to be the perfect doting daughter she can brag about on Facebook.

I have been following the "person can't change, you just have to change how you respond", philosophy because I can't force myself to give in to her manipulations. I don't jump up and deny and proclaim my undying love for her, and promise to be better and go to her house all the time. Usually, I'll try to call her more and check in, but it's exhausting, and depressing. I am not sure if I should just say, we're done here or what? Any advice from people with similar mom/daughter dynamics?  Is there a support group for whatever this is? I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes I dream that we will finally move far away.

Thanks for reading this long post. I felt like there was so much background I had to share. And it was helpful to get a lot of it out of my head and into the ether!

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