Ghosting an abusive parent as punishment
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Anonymous
| I live in the US now but didn't grow up here. My adoptive mom (same ethnic community) is 60 but is helpless. Her dream would be for me to move back to our country and wait on her hand and foot. When I do visit, I accompany her to see her multiple doctors for her multiple ailments and listen to her ruminations about how she saved me from my bio mom who would have sold me into child prostitution among other awful outcomes and her suspicions about the neighbors who are jealous of me doing well and want to hurt me, who tried to poison her with their food etc. She has never owned any decisions she's made, and blames it all on me. For example, she told me that she fell sick after eating someone's "poisonous" food because I had "scolded" her and ditched her without taking her somewhere to eat and so she gave in to her emotional eating habit. Crazy, I know. That's just one example. In the past, I would get slapped across the face multiple times if I wasn't fast enough to react to her whims and once, while I was on the floor clearing something in our apartment I looked up and saw that she had her arms raised and looked like she wanted to drop a vase on my head. I freaked out and she retreated. Although she never broke any of my bones or left a bruise, I think I still have emotional scars from the violence and while I try to put the past behind me, I feel like I can't. I also know that if I try to address the abuse from her, she will turn it against me and say that she wouldn't have had to hit me if I was a better child. Being feeble and weak now (even says she's going blind), she plays an ever better professional victim. Since I know I won't ever get closure, the only thing I can do is to just stop all communication but I know it would break her heart. I told her I didn't have to tell her I was visiting and she said "But isn't it your duty? You make it sound like a favor" and honestly, in my mind, it is because I feel like she doesn't deserve any goodwill from me. I also know that she's very concerned about face and a great part of her identity to people in our community is being the one who raised me and takes credit for my achievements. Which is very hypocritical considering that in my senior high school years, she would scream that I would fail my college entrance exams and not end up in my chosen field. Now that I'm actually successful, she'll be offering unsolicited advice over the phone telling me not to get stressed out about work as if she was always the loving, supportive parent. It's just eff-ed up and I also feel torn about continuing to play the filial daughter because no matter what I do, it's never enough ("Oh you took me to doctor last week? How many times did I take you to the doctor since you were a baby?""Oh you're only spending time with me now, but you didn't show up for two years." Better than not showing up right?). I try to be objective and remind myself that her own bio mom never showed her any love or support because of untreated schizophrenia but it doesn't take away my pain. Anyway, I'm posting here because I feel so alone and can't share about this with anyone in person. If you've ghosted an abusive parent, did it make you feel better? How did you reconcile abandoning them with "all I did for you"? |
Anonymous
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You have every right to cut off communication or severely limit it if it is best for your emotional well being. Have you ever talked to a therapist about all of this? I think a therapist could really help walk you through how to distance or separate yourself from her in a way that gives you peace.
A good book to read may be Co-Dependent No More. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you should ghost her as a punishment. People like that never take that as a punishment, they will act like you are just an ungrateful child. You should do what it takes to maintain your mental health. If that means stepping away from the relationship, then do that. But it needs to be what you need to stay sane ... don't worry about being punitive towards your mom. |
Anonymous
| It definitely sounds like you could benefit from therapy to work through all this. If you decide to cut ties with your mom, or to significantly limit your interactions, I wouldn’t blame you but I think “ghosting” (meaning just ceasing communication without telling her you are going to do that) is unnecessarily hurtful. You could tell her that it will be better for your mental health to stop interacting or to take a break. Of course she will try to guilt you no matter what. That is what the therapy is for. |
Anonymous
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Possibly, maybe, potentially selling you into childhood prostitution is only one way to be an unfit mother. Other abuses may not be quite that bad, but they can be pretty bad nonetheless.
Another vote for a good therapist. You deserve the opportunity to work through this. |
Anonymous
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"Mother, I am traumatized by your physical and psychological abuse of me all these years. I have no duty towards an abusive parent. You are mentally ill if you believe otherwise. I cannot visit you anymore unless your behavior changes radically." You really must tell her these things, OP, otherwise she will not understand why you are doing this. |
Anonymous
+1. You are still centered on her, so the control still lies with her. You must be centered on yourself. You need to make decisions for yourself, and not concern yourself about how it makes her feel. Also, you have no control about how it makes her feel (punished is what you want, but no guarantee). Take control, OP. Of yourself. Now, just one tangent. In the future, please put paragraph breaks in your writing. Paragraph breaks and a space between paragraphs. Think of your audience. It's hard to read. Think of yourself--you'll get more replies if it's easier to read. |
Anonymous
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ghosting as punishment is not the way you treat someone who raised you and is now emotionally ill.
If you need to loosen the ties, go for it. But ghost as punishment? Time to grow up and roll back the drama. My MIL did the 90s equivalent of ghosting me the first time I pissed her off. Backfired terribly for her. |
Anonymous
Looks like OP’s crazy mom found this thread. |
Anonymous
Didnt you read that OP’s mom was abusive since OP was young? Who hits a child and says it’s ok? You are sick PP. |
Anonymous
| Therapy can only go so far. Sometimes it’s better to just distance yourself completely. No point paying 100-plus an hour for a stranger to ask about your feelings. |
Anonymous
| Yawn... you need to post on other message boards. You keep posting over and over again. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
Unhelpful advice. It’s very obvious that OP’s adoptive mother has a martyr complex and never processed her actions toward her. Nothing one can do about a martyr but to go no contact. If you try to engage her, she will try to play the victim. |
Anonymous
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Different people handle it differently. Some hire out additional elder care, to spare the actual contact needed with an abusive parent and appease their feelings of guilt. Some set up strict boundaries regarding limited phone calls and visits. Plus leave or end calls abuse starts. Some have hit the point they can simply not take any further abuse, and cut ties.
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