Ghosting an abusive parent as punishment

[Anonymous]

Sounds like borderline personality disorder. We are in the same situation with my mom. I honestly can’t stand her and feel she has wrecked my life so much. We hired al elder care manager

[Anonymous]

When I tried to tell my foreign born mother that it was not okay for her to hit me, she said she should have beat me more. This is when I decided to have no relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in the US now but didn't grow up here. My adoptive mom (same ethnic community) is 60 but is helpless. Her dream would be for me to move back to our country and wait on her hand and foot. When I do visit, I accompany her to see her multiple doctors for her multiple ailments and listen to her ruminations about how she saved me from my bio mom who would have sold me into child prostitution among other awful outcomes and her suspicions about the neighbors who are jealous of me doing well and want to hurt me, who tried to poison her with their food etc. She has never owned any decisions she's made, and blames it all on me. For example, she told me that she fell sick after eating someone's "poisonous" food because I had "scolded" her and ditched her without taking her somewhere to eat and so she gave in to her emotional eating habit. Crazy, I know. That's just one example. In the past, I would get slapped across the face multiple times if I wasn't fast enough to react to her whims and once, while I was on the floor clearing something in our apartment I looked up and saw that she had her arms raised and looked like she wanted to drop a vase on my head. I freaked out and she retreated. Although she never broke any of my bones or left a bruise, I think I still have emotional scars from the violence and while I try to put the past behind me, I feel like I can't. I also know that if I try to address the abuse from her, she will turn it against me and say that she wouldn't have had to hit me if I was a better child. Being feeble and weak now (even says she's going blind), she plays an ever better professional victim. Since I know I won't ever get closure, the only thing I can do is to just stop all communication but I know it would break her heart. I told her I didn't have to tell her I was visiting and she said "But isn't it your duty? You make it sound like a favor" and honestly, in my mind, it is because I feel like she doesn't deserve any goodwill from me. I also know that she's very concerned about face and a great part of her identity to people in our community is being the one who raised me and takes credit for my achievements. Which is very hypocritical considering that in my senior high school years, she would scream that I would fail my college entrance exams and not end up in my chosen field. Now that I'm actually successful, she'll be offering unsolicited advice over the phone telling me not to get stressed out about work as if she was always the loving, supportive parent. It's just eff-ed up and I also feel torn about continuing to play the filial daughter because no matter what I do, it's never enough ("Oh you took me to doctor last week? How many times did I take you to the doctor since you were a baby?""Oh you're only spending time with me now, but you didn't show up for two years." Better than not showing up right?). I try to be objective and remind myself that her own bio mom never showed her any love or support because of untreated schizophrenia but it doesn't take away my pain. Anyway, I'm posting here because I feel so alone and can't share about this with anyone in person. If you've ghosted an abusive parent, did it make you feel better? How did you reconcile abandoning them with "all I did for you"?

1) Ghosting in and of itself doesn't make you feel better. Letting go of the obligation to feel certain things does, though. But once you do that, I've found that it doesn't really make a difference to ghost or not ghost. It's more the internal compartmentalization of the relationship and the recognition that this person will not change that helps, not the seeing them or not. Of course if it's easier to do that when you don't physically see them, then distance or low contact will help.

Yes, that is the point of me being on the other side of the world. My mom and I only communicate by phone and she doesn't know how to use the Internet. I asked about feeling better because I'm curious about the experiences of adult children like myself. I've thought about cutting off contact for about a decade now, and the desire for no contact tends to surface after an especially emotionally draining encounter with her in person.

Sometimes when we first meet, she's in a good mood and I feel like our meeting is going well. Within the next few hours, she starts asking what appears to me to be innocuous questions like "Where did you go last evening? What did you do?" I'll share that I went off to have dinner with a friend and the next thing I know, she's going down a rabbit hole of "Because you left me last evening, I couldn't find my way back to the train, I had to ask for help but no one helped me, if I had called you, you wouldn't have helped me, I was about to cry and then some kind soul helped me....If I had called you yesterday, would you have helped me?" Even when I try to disengage and say "Of course, yes!" She continues, "No, you're only saying that. You abandoned me. I cannot believe people didn't help me yesterday..." and she will literally have this monologue in front of other commuters on the train for an hour.

I take the trouble to visit her from across the world and this is what I get? I feel like I'm done.

2) Do you have children yet? Something in your post tells me no, for some reason. It sounds to me like your mother is emotionally disturbed, and was emotionally and physically abusive. It also sounds like she wasn't totally neglectful. Within the warped dimensions of her worldview, she did try to care for your health, education, and survival. Since at one point you literally wouldn't have survived without her, she probably did sacrifice some of her own energy to care for you. Do you "owe" her something for this? There's no right answer. I will simply say that having children has both made me feel more estranged from my parents, insofar as I can't quite stomach the degree of coldness they must have felt to act towards me as they did, and also more understanding of them, insofar as I can now see just how much work it is to keep small and totally dependent humans alive. I also see that they did basic things, such as put a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, education, etc. that are certainly part of the reason why I am where I am today.

That's astute of you. No, I don't have children and I don't want children. I agree that she wasn't totally neglectful but that is her only 'leverage' over me. It does count for something which is why I haven't actually ghosted her per se.

3) It sounds like what you most want to do is, as you said "put the past behind you." I so understand. You deserve to have the time and space to process your trauma and truly heal. I would focus on yourself first and do this work for yourself. Your mother is a flawed human being, damaged by her own upbringing, mental issues, and a traditional worldview that I recognize from my own culture. You aren't and have never been defined by who she is. She hurt you tremendously when she was all you had, and her words and actions continue to push those buttons. But you are no longer dependent on her for her validation, her judgment, or her love. Whatever you do now is up to you.

This is so beautifully written. I think her behavior bothers me because our relationship is very one-sided. She doesn't respect my feelings nor my boundaries even though I remind her time and again. She's gotten away with so much awful behavior it's unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like borderline personality disorder. We are in the same situation with my mom. I honestly can’t stand her and feel she has wrecked my life so much. We hired al elder care manager

She has an official diagnosis for depression since my teens. I have been reading up on BPD and find that so many of the symptoms click. The circular conversations, the random and completely inappropriate things she will bring up when she starts talking with people, the deflection of responsibility, overreacting to everything, the scapegoating...I could go on but yes, I have suspected for some time she has something much more complex and deep-seated than depression. For someone who enjoys stirring up drama the way she does, BPD fits. She also has characteristics of other PDs like narcissism and paranoia, but I also understand that PDs do overlap.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to add, that this is OP replying in the previous two posts.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty normal OP. I don't know why therapy is always touted like some panacea but it doesn't sound like you need it. You would need it if you can't break away from her, or if you can't help but to enable her. Yes, it disturbs you but it's alright to feel disturbed especially someone behaves toward you like your mom. It is what it is so hopefully you can decide how much lower contact you can get.

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance your mom is ever coming to this country? If not, I would flat out lie to her about made up financial problems. Car crash, tax problems, stolen money, etc. My husband has to tell extended relatives made up stories in order not to send them money. He helped pay for his nephews and nieces education but he is not paying for anything else now that they are college educated adults who can help themselves now and their parents (his aunts and uncles).

[Anonymous]

Agree the focus needs to be on what you need, not on inflicting “punishment.” That sounds like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy OP. I highly doubt your parent will perceive your "ghosting" as "punishment." It is much more likely that they will view you as an ungrateful child with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy OP. I highly doubt your parent will perceive your "ghosting" as "punishment." It is much more likely that they will view you as an ungrateful child with issues.

The mom sounds like a narcissist based her view that OP needs to fulfill some form of 'duty' when visiting her. I think what OP means by punishment is that her mom will be emotionally upset at the total loss of contact. The daughter lives in another far-off country, she can't email her, she can only phone....wouldn't it freak you out if you couldn't reach your kids? It's like a form of death. And if you know it would hurt someone who brings you nothing but grief, why not? Kill two birds with one stone. The OP doesn't have to deal with the abusive parent and the parent can suffer from being cut off. I think many of the Americans on DCUM have trouble envisioning what it's like for women in other cultures who really have no identity except to be some overbearing matriarch. It's a true loss of face to be abandoned by one's children in some cultures. Here in the US, the impact of that isn't so bad.