Ghosting an abusive parent as punishment

[Anonymous]

I am low-contact with an emotionally abusive mother. As she ages, it gets harder--she's always had a 'helpless victim' complex, and now she sometimes justifiably needs help and it's hard to know where the boundary should be. So I completely get your dilemma. What helps me is to set clear boundaries for myself and stick to them: two visits a year of not more than 3 days, one phone call a week, listening sympathetically (as best I can) to her constant tales of woe but not making it my responsibility to fix things for her. (I realize that doesn't really sound like low-contact, but she would eat up every minute of my life if I let her.) The hardest part for me is that she then inflicts her helplessness on others around her--a elderly sister, her neighbors--and I do feel badly about that. But I know i can't do or be everything to everyone. I do what I can, I ignore the guilt trips, and I remind myself that her misery is hers and doesn't have to be mine. Good luck, OP. I know how hard it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ghosting as punishment is not the way you treat someone who raised you and is now emotionally ill.

If you need to loosen the ties, go for it.

But ghost as punishment? Time to grow up and roll back the drama.

My MIL did the 90s equivalent of ghosting me the first time I pissed her off. Backfired terribly for her.

Didnt you read that OP’s mom was abusive since OP was young? Who hits a child and says it’s ok? You are sick PP.

I didn't say put up with it. I didn't say continue the relationship with her mom. I didn't say she had a great mom.

I said don't ghost as punishment - that represents continued engagement after the punishment period ends, since it isn't "ghost so I can get out of this mess" but "ghost to get even" that can't be healthy.

Clearly both parties have issues and both need some help. If this daughter wants to break these ties, she sure can, but not by ghosting for some limited time.

(and for what its worth, my MIL is mentally ill)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ghosting as punishment is not the way you treat someone who raised you and is now emotionally ill.

If you need to loosen the ties, go for it.

But ghost as punishment? Time to grow up and roll back the drama.

My MIL did the 90s equivalent of ghosting me the first time I pissed her off. Backfired terribly for her.

Didnt you read that OP’s mom was abusive since OP was young? Who hits a child and says it’s ok? You are sick PP.

I didn't say put up with it. I didn't say continue the relationship with her mom. I didn't say she had a great mom.

I said don't ghost as punishment - that represents continued engagement after the punishment period ends, since it isn't "ghost so I can get out of this mess" but "ghost to get even" that can't be healthy.

Clearly both parties have issues and both need some help. If this daughter wants to break these ties, she sure can, but not by ghosting for some limited time.

(and for what its worth, my MIL is mentally ill)

I don’t think it’s unhealthy. It is what it is. OP also wants to get out of her mom’s abuse. Instead of physically hurting OP, the mom is trying to regain control by tugging on the heart strings. Cue the emotional blackmail. It’s not one or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"Mother, I am traumatized by your physical and psychological abuse of me all these years. I have no duty towards an abusive parent. You are mentally ill if you believe otherwise. I cannot visit you anymore unless your behavior changes radically."

You really must tell her these things, OP, otherwise she will not understand why you are doing this.

She won’t understand it regardless of what you say or do.

OP, don’t ghost as punishment. Do cut off contact if it’s whats best for your emotional well-being. I highly recommend outofthefog.net. It has a forum for people who have been in abusive relationships. There is an entire subsection for people considering going “no contact” with their abuser.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. For those saying no contact, what do you do about inheritance and power of attorney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. For those saying no contact, what do you do about inheritance and power of attorney?

You aren’t required to accept either, you can simply decline when it becomes an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP I haven’t read the responses but she is mentally ill!
Hope this helps you understand that she is treating you like that not because there is smth wrong with you or she hates you. Which does NOT mean you have to grin and bear it.
I would make sure her physical needs are met but understand that her emotional needs cannot he met by you, and minimize contact.
Signed,
daughter to a mentally ill mother

[Anonymous]

OP keeps posting the same thing with an out of country adoptive mom.. this is fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am low-contact with an emotionally abusive mother. As she ages, it gets harder--she's always had a 'helpless victim' complex, and now she sometimes justifiably needs help and it's hard to know where the boundary should be. So I completely get your dilemma. What helps me is to set clear boundaries for myself and stick to them: two visits a year of not more than 3 days, one phone call a week, listening sympathetically (as best I can) to her constant tales of woe but not making it my responsibility to fix things for her. (I realize that doesn't really sound like low-contact, but she would eat up every minute of my life if I let her.) The hardest part for me is that she then inflicts her helplessness on others around her--a elderly sister, her neighbors--and I do feel badly about that. But I know i can't do or be everything to everyone. I do what I can, I ignore the guilt trips, and I remind myself that her misery is hers and doesn't have to be mine. Good luck, OP. I know how hard it is.

This is OP. Thank you for your reply. Now that I have lived outside the country for many years, I notice that our phone conversations can be normal but it's the in-person meetings which I find soul-sucking. And I have come to realize that my very presence feeds her "I'm OP's savior" identity. She will do things for me but I suspect that she does it more for her own ego instead of any altruistic reasons.

Once I threw up in the office sink of an organizational meeting I accompanied her to when I was last visiting, and she insisted on bringing me to the doctor. People didn't actually notice but she went around broadcasting to the attendees, "Oh my daughter vomited in your sink. I'm so sorry. I cleaned it by the way. She has a migraine. She gets these bad migraines. I'm taking her to *clinic name* now because it's the nearest clinic.." And then she spots someone else who came in and starts sharing this news all over again. Of course people nodded their heads in sympathy but I was cringing inside.

She did bring me to the doctor, and because it was taking three hours, she left to run an errand and demanded that I wait for her to collect me. I didn't mind waiting but then the following week, she begrudges me "Oh, I took you to the doctor and had to take you back from the clinic and this is how you behave..." And when I remind her, that those were HER requests, she goes "Oh, but I couldn't have left you there; I didn't have to come and get you but I did". The entire week, she went around telling everyone we met about how sick I was and how she had to bring me to the doctor. But it's so obvious she only thinks about herself and how it makes her look good to other people.

PP, you mentioned getting older. My mom resents both my social and physical mobility. She cannot bear to see me climb stairs in front of her citing "Why must you climb stairs when you can take the elevator?" And said "Because it's good exercise" to which she retorts "Exercise? Why are you so obsessed with exercise?! Go get the elevator". These incidents didn't really bother me when they happened but now that I'm back, I can't help but reflect on how unhealthy our dynamic is for me and I don't wish to continue it.

When I share with her that I've embarked on new hobbies like brewing kombucha, she will put a negative spin and chatise me for wasting time instead of focusing on work. When she asks me if I'm happy in my relationship and I say yes, she has to throw shade and say that my partner is using me to host his family when they visit (but we live in the same house!). I give up on having a relationship with her. There's just no good way to say "I miss my country and I want to come and visit but I really don't want to see you anymore unless you're dead and can't berate me anymore."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP keeps posting the same thing with an out of country adoptive mom.. this is fake.

I think OP makes the point that she's adopted as the adoptive mom no doubt reminds her that OP would be nothing without her. That's why I think adoptive parents tend to have issues. Are they adopting for themselves or to help their children? It's unfair to place the burden on children to meet the parents' needs. I also think that many assume that being out of country makes no contact easier but there's always that parental expectation to maintain contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Possibly, maybe, potentially selling you into childhood prostitution is only one way to be an unfit mother. Other abuses may not be quite that bad, but they can be pretty bad nonetheless.

Another vote for a good therapist. You deserve the opportunity to work through this.

We don’t know if this is true or the adoptive mom just making up some sordid detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in the US now but didn't grow up here. My adoptive mom (same ethnic community) is 60 but is helpless. Her dream would be for me to move back to our country and wait on her hand and foot. When I do visit, I accompany her to see her multiple doctors for her multiple ailments and listen to her ruminations about how she saved me from my bio mom who would have sold me into child prostitution among other awful outcomes and her suspicions about the neighbors who are jealous of me doing well and want to hurt me, who tried to poison her with their food etc. She has never owned any decisions she's made, and blames it all on me. For example, she told me that she fell sick after eating someone's "poisonous" food because I had "scolded" her and ditched her without taking her somewhere to eat and so she gave in to her emotional eating habit. Crazy, I know. That's just one example. In the past, I would get slapped across the face multiple times if I wasn't fast enough to react to her whims and once, while I was on the floor clearing something in our apartment I looked up and saw that she had her arms raised and looked like she wanted to drop a vase on my head. I freaked out and she retreated. Although she never broke any of my bones or left a bruise, I think I still have emotional scars from the violence and while I try to put the past behind me, I feel like I can't. I also know that if I try to address the abuse from her, she will turn it against me and say that she wouldn't have had to hit me if I was a better child. Being feeble and weak now (even says she's going blind), she plays an ever better professional victim. Since I know I won't ever get closure, the only thing I can do is to just stop all communication but I know it would break her heart. I told her I didn't have to tell her I was visiting and she said "But isn't it your duty? You make it sound like a favor" and honestly, in my mind, it is because I feel like she doesn't deserve any goodwill from me. I also know that she's very concerned about face and a great part of her identity to people in our community is being the one who raised me and takes credit for my achievements. Which is very hypocritical considering that in my senior high school years, she would scream that I would fail my college entrance exams and not end up in my chosen field. Now that I'm actually successful, she'll be offering unsolicited advice over the phone telling me not to get stressed out about work as if she was always the loving, supportive parent. It's just eff-ed up and I also feel torn about continuing to play the filial daughter because no matter what I do, it's never enough ("Oh you took me to doctor last week? How many times did I take you to the doctor since you were a baby?""Oh you're only spending time with me now, but you didn't show up for two years." Better than not showing up right?). I try to be objective and remind myself that her own bio mom never showed her any love or support because of untreated schizophrenia but it doesn't take away my pain. Anyway, I'm posting here because I feel so alone and can't share about this with anyone in person. If you've ghosted an abusive parent, did it make you feel better? How did you reconcile abandoning them with "all I did for you"?

1) Ghosting in and of itself doesn't make you feel better. Letting go of the obligation to feel certain things does, though. But once you do that, I've found that it doesn't really make a difference to ghost or not ghost. It's more the internal compartmentalization of the relationship and the recognition that this person will not change that helps, not the seeing them or not. Of course if it's easier to do that when you don't physically see them, then distance or low contact will help.

2) Do you have children yet? Something in your post tells me no, for some reason. It sounds to me like your mother is emotionally disturbed, and was emotionally and physically abusive. It also sounds like she wasn't totally neglectful. Within the warped dimensions of her worldview, she did try to care for your health, education, and survival. Since at one point you literally wouldn't have survived without her, she probably did sacrifice some of her own energy to care for you. Do you "owe" her something for this? There's no right answer. I will simply say that having children has both made me feel more estranged from my parents, insofar as I can't quite stomach the degree of coldness they must have felt to act towards me as they did, and also more understanding of them, insofar as I can now see just how much work it is to keep small and totally dependent humans alive. I also see that they did basic things, such as put a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, education, etc. that are certainly part of the reason why I am where I am today.

3) It sounds like what you most want to do is, as you said "put the past behind you." I so understand. You deserve to have the time and space to process your trauma and truly heal. I would focus on yourself first and do this work for yourself. Your mother is a flawed human being, damaged by her own upbringing, mental issues, and a traditional worldview that I recognize from my own culture. You aren't and have never been defined by who she is. She hurt you tremendously when she was all you had, and her words and actions continue to push those buttons. But you are no longer dependent on her for her validation, her judgment, or her love. Whatever you do now is up to you.

[Anonymous]

If you need to cut ties, do it because it is best for your well being and you have exhausted all other avenues to have a limited but healthy relationship, but not because it is punishment for her.

We come from our parents, but we are not of them. You are your own person and owe your parents and universe nothing, and past childhood, they owe nothing to you. Let go of the guilt, give yourself permission to be free and happy and live your life as you want surrounded by good supportive people.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking about the logistics of this as an immigrant myself. It doesn't sound like OP's mom is savvy in terms of using the Internet (no mention of Skype or email) and so is their main line of communication through phone? Maybe the mom has the OP's physical address in the US but she doesn't sound fit to travel based on what OP has shared about her being upset about climbing stairs. So if OP doesn't answer her calls, then what would the mom think? That something happened? Or just let it rest? Would she call the cops in OP's city? Then that would get really interesting

[Anonymous]

Instead of ghosting, why not give her a taste of her own medicine? Start using her script to gaslight and accuse her of abuse (well, it's not accusing if it's true) and see how she handles it.