Weekend plan with/without DH

[Anonymous]

Just a vent. I find it more likely for me to be unhappy if I and 3 year old DS going out with DH, because most of the times things are not going as planned if we include DH. I don't know if I should often include DH in our weekend morning/early afternoon outing anymore.

Is it okay for I & DS often going out without DH all the time on weekends? I think DH does not mind at all since he can have many personal free time on his own. However, I wonder how's that going to affect father-son relationship in the long run? What annoys me the most are DH likes to change our weekend plan (suggest other places to go & eat), come home earlier as planned, and I feel that him coming along is more a burden rather than a joy. He is a bit self-centered, and his favorite weekend activities are going out to lunch & playground or walk around. My favorite weekend activities to take DS are exploring around, e.g. farmer market, nature center, shopping, playground, water splash park, go to festival, library etc. I don't mind getting sweaty/wet/dirty. DS tells me that he prefers only me & him going out, and without DH. However, part of me feels guilty if we do not include DH in our weekend plan. Isn't it part of a normal family relationship that we should often do things together as a family?

I often end up taking DS out early in the morning to play as early as 9am, and then have DH joining us for lunch (noon), but it does not always work because sometimes we are faraway(1 hr away) from home & DS does not want to leave early to meet for lunch. I don't think DH is the type of dad that loves to do things altogether as family, and part of me just wants to accept this truth as it is, but part of me also wants him to change (that's where we have argument that he does not do much as a dad role to DS). I am really conflicted that I want to include DH in our weekend plan, but his presence often makes me unhappy. It is partly my fault as well because I am not patient & emotional. DH's dad (FIL) never did much for DH, and DH is like a better replica version of FIL.

[Anonymous]

In a few more years it may get easier. For now maybe aim for every other weekend doing things as a whole family. Is there ever any just father/son weekend adventures?

[Anonymous]

You both sound self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a conversation with your husband about this? Tell him how you're feeling on the weekends, the type of things you like to do, that you understand the type of things he likes to do and want to engage in that as well, what would be a good compromise and come up with a good solution that works for the both of you? This seems like the most healthy way to handle this. Communicate with your husband and together identify a way to meet both your needs. I don't think just leaving him out is a great solution. Maybe you decide together that every other saturday you switch the type of activity. This saturday it's Mom's preferred type of activity, next Saturday it's more relaxed with dad, just lunch and the park. Then on Sundays you switch off - one sunday with mom and next sunday with Dad so you both get 1:1 time with child AND both get your alone time. But you need to work on this together, that's how relationships function best. Your child will benefit from seeing you collaborate, work out a disagreement and compromise. You'll probably have to continue the discussions over time, it won't be a one time thing. It's normal to have different preferences, my husband and I have to make these kind of compromises as well - the key is that we both are willing to consider the others needs and think hmm dh probably won't love that activity, let's do x this week and vice versa he does the same for me. Or sometimes I just say I know x isn't your favorite but I'd really like to do it this weekend. And he does the same. Also doing things without each other some of the time is totally ok too! Mom really doesn't like this activity so Dad and dc are going to go and vice versa. But it should be an active convo!

[Anonymous]

Do you spend any time with just your DH? It sounds like you're having some fairly significant relationship issues. Have you considered couples therapy? I know every family is different, and you should do what works for you, but I can't imagine spending my weekends apart when I work all week and weekends are my family time. I love doing things with my husband and daughter, and while sure sometimes we split up for birthday parties or grocery shopping or whatever to get more done, I definitely don't wish to spend time without him all of the time. I think I would consider if you are truly happy together as a couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a conversation with your husband about this? Tell him how you're feeling on the weekends, the type of things you like to do, that you understand the type of things he likes to do and want to engage in that as well, what would be a good compromise and come up with a good solution that works for the both of you? This seems like the most healthy way to handle this. Communicate with your husband and together identify a way to meet both your needs. I don't think just leaving him out is a great solution. Maybe you decide together that every other saturday you switch the type of activity. This saturday it's Mom's preferred type of activity, next Saturday it's more relaxed with dad, just lunch and the park. Then on Sundays you switch off - one sunday with mom and next sunday with Dad so you both get 1:1 time with child AND both get your alone time. But you need to work on this together, that's how relationships function best. Your child will benefit from seeing you collaborate, work out a disagreement and compromise. You'll probably have to continue the discussions over time, it won't be a one time thing. It's normal to have different preferences, my husband and I have to make these kind of compromises as well - the key is that we both are willing to consider the others needs and think hmm dh probably won't love that activity, let's do x this week and vice versa he does the same for me. Or sometimes I just say I know x isn't your favorite but I'd really like to do it this weekend. And he does the same. Also doing things without each other some of the time is totally ok too! Mom really doesn't like this activity so Dad and dc are going to go and vice versa. But it should be an active convo!

sorry I just re-read and saw how unhappy it makes you. I'm really not sure then. if he's not willing to meet you halfway then you're in a tough position. See if you can get him to see your perspective and how it's affecting you. if you can't, maybe try to encourage him to have some time just him and your son and you do things with your son without him as well.

[Anonymous]

You seem pretty dismissive of the things he has told you he likes to do with you and DS - go out to lunch, go to the playground, and walk around. Why can’t you do those things as a family? I’m not understanding why every weekend day has to be a formal “outing” of some sort with a 3 year old.

[Anonymous]

You should move around together.

[Anonymous]

Saturday you and your son go further afield and do what you want. It would be nice if DH joins you but he might not. Sunday you go out to brunch as a family and find a great park to play at and go to the pool.

Or you agree that each one of you plans a family outing/event for the weekend and accept that the other is going to plan something that is not their ideal. All parties go and focus on the family time instead of being annoyed that this is not your preferred activity.

There are times that DH wants to take DS to the park to play baseball and then off to do something else. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. There are times I take DS into DC to go to a museum and see my cousins. Sometimes DH comes, sometimes he doesn't. It works for us and that is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you alternate your activities? One week you do what you want, DH decides the next week, etc? It's also okay to go with the flow sometimes and not stick rigidly to a plan.

[Anonymous]

You seem to want to be told that it’s ok just to do things with your kid alone and to tell your DH he’s not welcome.

So, do that...but, don’t come back and complain in a few years that your husband has no interest in your kid and won’t attend his sports games/school plays/etc. Or complain that your ex-husband only cares about the kids he had with his next wife.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DS wakes me up around 7am, and I am dying at home playing/stuck with him till lunch hour if we do DH's preferred activities. DS is high energy, and it is a lot easier if we both get out of house to breath & do something. DS is attached to me, and it is always I play with him or he play around me, and both of us goes from one activities to next activities (each lasts 5-30 min) at the house. DH does free-style parenting at home which he rarely plays with DS. That is how DH was raised growing up. It is always me taking care of DS at home, and DH does not want to help at all. He says that DS can play by himself for hours, but the problem is I am the one ends up playing with him for hours.

Of course we can alternative activities, and we did it sometimes. But on the day of his preferred activities, it always end up to the point that I am too exhausting to entertain or both of us gets bored at home. DS goes to full time daycare 5 days a week, and he is always looking forward to start his day & having fun early on weekend.

Yeah, I agree that we need to work on compromising. And, I need to work on my temper as well because I admit that I nag too much. That is why I say that it is a vent post.

[Anonymous]

Your post is a little confusing in the sense that I expected you to say all DH wants to do is [insert adult-centric/kid-inappropriate activity here], but instead you say lunch & walk/playground. That's a perfectly acceptable outing for a THREE year old. Taking your DS on an outing an hour away vice 15 minutes away is more for you than for him, so you're not really any less self-centered than your DH. Why is the assumption that you get to design every weekend outing and so DH wanting to do something different is "changing" the plan? Perhaps alternate?

[Anonymous]

Just reading that was exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DS wakes me up around 7am, and I am dying at home playing/stuck with him till lunch hour if we do DH's preferred activities. DS is high energy, and it is a lot easier if we both get out of house to breath & do something. DS is attached to me, and it is always I play with him or he play around me, and both of us goes from one activities to next activities (each lasts 5-30 min) at the house. DH does free-style parenting at home which he rarely plays with DS. That is how DH was raised growing up. It is always me taking care of DS at home, and DH does not want to help at all. He says that DS can play by himself for hours, but the problem is I am the one ends up playing with him for hours.

Of course we can alternative activities, and we did it sometimes. But on the day of his preferred activities, it always end up to the point that I am too exhausting to entertain or both of us gets bored at home. DS goes to full time daycare 5 days a week, and he is always looking forward to start his day & having fun early on weekend.

Yeah, I agree that we need to work on compromising. And, I need to work on my temper as well because I admit that I nag too much. That is why I say that it is a vent post.

You leave the house in the am for something. Yoga class,
Grocery shopping, your own trip and let DH parent how he wants. Make it regular. Dh can take da to the playground and brunch by himself too. Dh is practicing his free range parenting (which works but it for 3 year olds) because you're there playing with ds and he doesn't have to actually parent.