Advice please....long distance relationship in 50's..ugh......female perspective sought

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy . . . 50-something, divorced for some time, part custody two kids. I've had a relationship or two along the way post divorce. I'm not looking to date the world; I actually am seeking a relationship.

A few weeks ago, I began seeing someone I have known since college, but haven't seen in ages (like 30 something years). We live a three-hour drive apart. I know, a long distance relationship at this stage of life. . . but it is what it is.

Because we click really well, and share values and likes, and because we have some measure of shared history (OK, long ago but still), things have progressed fairly quickly. I really think she is great.

Both our schedules are generally flexible--most of the time. As a result, we've spent time together the last three weeks. I went up to her place for a few days, then she came to visit me in DC, then I went back up to see her. All the time we have spent together has been fantastic. Great.

We planned that I would visit her this Monday, Tuesday and return to DC Wednesday.

However, last Friday she told me that she had previously made plans to see a friend (girl) from out of town on Tuesday--they had planned to hang all day together. She had forgotten the plans until the friend texted her. Admittedly, the woman I'm involved with is a bit of a free spirit sort, she tends to lose her keys, and such. So forgetting plans from a month or two ago, not out of character.

I told her that isn't a big deal, we could work around it. I had no issue with me going up and her still seeing her friend.

However, she said she didn't want to do that as she would be worried about me just hanging around and she would feel bad that she wasn't with me. She wouldn't enjoy seeing her friend. SO she broke our plans in favor of the friend.

Normally, this would be no big deal. I am supportive of people having their own lives, friends, etc. However, her schedule this month is complicated. And, this s a long distance relationship. Now that we aren't seeing each other Monday-Wednesday of this week, we won't see each other for at least three weeks, maybe five.

She sees this as no big deal. To me, this feels . . . lousy.

I would greatly appreciate a female perspective or two.

Thanks much.

[Anonymous]

I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

[Anonymous]

You've only been together for a few weeks, this is a long distance relationship and she did have a life before you two hooked up. I think that things might be going a little too fast and she needs some breathing room.

Do you consider yourself to be in an exclusive relationship with her? I mean, in your mind are you still free to date other women? Is she free to date other guys?

I think that even with your past college friendship in mind that you aren't quite into exclusive/committed territory just, yet. Don't rush things.

[Anonymous]

Give her some grace. Sometimes plans have to be cancelled. It is only a bigger deal because in your situation those plans can be hard/impossible to rearrange in a timely manner.

You have to decide if you are ok with a relationship where time together is infrequent and can sometimes create big let downs if something falls through. It sounds like she is ok with it.

A few months after DH and I married I had received a job assignment and he coommitments with work/school that didn't allow him the flexibility to move. We saw each other maybe every 6-8 weeks for a couple days at a time for 3 years. It worked out just fine. That was over a decade ago.

[Anonymous]

You need to relax. If she really likes you things will happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, there should be no goal. Men often want to work toward a goal. It is what it is, and you still have reason to believe that it will continue to be great to be together. If it's not, and she's had second thoughts, well ... there's not much anyone else can do

I would just say - do not push for anything. As with any relationship, friendship or otherwise, if you feel your efforts aren't being matched, then dial back a bit until there is an equilibrium.

The 3 hrs distance is pretty ordinary for having separate adult lives. A family member had a relationship for 7 years cross country before getting married in their 60's. I know 70 yr olds who married but continued to have "his" house and "her" house 3 hours away.

[Anonymous]

I'm female, newly divorced, and in the exact same position as you. With a college friend from 30 years ago who lives in another state.

I didn't read you as asking what "to do." But just perspective because you feel bad. I wouldn't be too upset yet. You'll know soon whether her interest and desire match yours. You'll just have to see how this goes.

You sound like a nice person. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, newly divorced, and in the exact same position as you. With a college friend from 30 years ago who lives in another state.

I didn't read you as asking what "to do." But just perspective because you feel bad. I wouldn't be too upset yet. You'll know soon whether her interest and desire match yours. You'll just have to see how this goes.

You sound like a nice person. Good luck!

Great advice. Take some deep breaths, be patient.

[Anonymous]

It's nice to be excited about someone isn't it? I miss that. Sigh.

But back to your post OP. Just relax. You like her, she likes you, everything doesn't have to happen in a day. Pace it out.

[Anonymous]

Time apart is the nature of LDR. If 3-5 weeks apart isn’t something that will work for you, then maybe a LDR isn’t the best.

[Anonymous]

You’re not cut out for a long distance relationship. Cut your losses and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time apart is the nature of LDR. If 3-5 weeks apart isn’t something that will work for you, then maybe a LDR isn’t the best.

This.

My relationship with DH started as somewhat LD. He lived about an hour away with no traffic. Rush hour made it 90 min or more home to home. Longer if we were coming directly from work as we each commuted about 30 min. If a week was busy, we didn’t see each other that week. We didn’t see each other every day until we decided to get married and he moved in with me. There were definitely times that we didn’t see each other so that we could see old friends or relatives. If this had caused him anxiety about my commitment, I think I would have been considerably put off.

[Anonymous]

It might feel lousy to her, too, but she isn't necessarily sharing that with you.

She had previous plans. Breaking those for you (a new BF) would feel lousy as well. Especially since she doesn't know where her LD relationship is going.

You have to let this go as a hiccup in the new relationship. Call her, tell her you are going to miss her. etc etc.

Write her a card and put it in the mail ... everybody loves getting real mail. Put something cute in it (like temporary tatoos? like stickers. a piece of non-meltable candy. Like an eraser, whatever) because getting surprise gifts are nice, too

[Anonymous]

Feeling sad is understandable.

Feeling hurt means you are blaming her which will eventually make you resentful.

Try to distinguish between these two emotions OP, it just might save your relationship.

[Anonymous]

You need to slow your roll. She had plans with a friend, it would have been weird for you to come up and hang out by yourself all day while she was out. I can see why that would have made her uncomfortable because she would have felt guilty she left you. It’s not a fair situation to put her in.

At this stage of the game it isn’t relevant that the friend was female. Relax, slow down and give this a chance to play out. Would your reaction have been different if you knew you could see her sooner than three to five weeks from now?

I had a good friend break up with a great guy because he suffocated her long distance. She had her own life and was happy to include him in it but it was never enough for him.