Advice please....long distance relationship in 50's..ugh......female perspective sought

[Anonymous]

Did you all forget that it's 4th Of July this week? I'm surprised the op's girlfriend doesn't want to see him on a nice holiday, it's a nice time of year, she can wear a cute dress, and who doesn't want to watch fireworks with a romantic partner? I'm also not convinced the girlfriend is as scatter-brained as op wants to think. It's interesting that when it came down to who's plans to cancel, the girlfriend chose to cancel plans with her boyfriend not plans with a friend. It's also interesting that the girlfriend didn't want op anywhere in the neighborhood when she is with this "friend". Might she be a lesbian op?
My advice would be that you find a local lady who wants to spend time with you. You say you want a relationship, don't waste your time on someone who doesn't. Also, don't use pretty language to justify behavior that is unacceptable to you. These free spirit ladies can get it together when they want to. Your girlfriend is a prime example of this, she wasn't a free spirit when it came to seeing her friend, and she canceled plans with you in order to do it. This wasn't a mutual "I'll go see my brother this week and you go see your mom". As my dad says, nobody has to be in a relationship with you, but if they are, they need to see you and make you a priority. If they choose not to, they have no say in what you do with your time and energy when you two are apart. Also, don't let the ladies on here scare you, "my friend broke up with a guy... I'd have broken up with my husband if...". We all know that if you were a woman posting about a boyfriend who bailed on her, everybody would respond with "he's just not that into you". There would be no "Give him a chance" nonsense.

[Anonymous]

They have been seeing each other for only 3 weeks! Maybe she has long standing plans with a group of her longtime friends.

She isn't dumping Op but she is also not allowing a new guy on the scene to cause her to back out of plans with a good female friend, either.

Op needs to give this relationship time to develop. If it is meant to be, it will all happen. Patience.

[Anonymous]

Patience, it has only been a few weeks. You say you are seeking a relationship. Building one takes time. Frequent(not smothering) communication, even without seeing each other weekly is of greater importance. Be mindful of how you express your disappointment over this. Use this time to get to know her even better through emails,texts, or phone calls. Don't quilt trip. Keep things positive and looking forward to getting together soon after busy schedules tamed down.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. First off, WOW, you all are great. I had low expectations posting, but the perspective you've given is wonderful. Thanks so very much.

I must admit, I was surprised by the number of people who understood J’s—the person I’m seeing—thinking, actions. That, actually, is both refreshing and really reassuring to me. Reading the posts that said things like "she had a life before," “you’re the new guy," "stay positive,” was really helpful.

As to your questions:

Exclusive. We haven’t discussed it directly, but if I went out with someone else tonight, she would be upset. And, I’m not the sort to do that. So, whatever haven’t said, I think we are exclusive and I would guess she feels the same.

Friend Relationship: She's not a lesbian. This is a true friend, someone she sees like twice a year. The friend is a well-in-advance planner—makes plans months out and not much flexibility to reschedule.

Overall, I’m going to do as most of you said: take a step back, give her some space, stay positive, let things play out. View this as a hiccup.

One of you wrote saying, you are in the same position and I wanted perspective because I felt bad. Dead on. Exactly.

It isn’t the distance. I get she has a life and want her to have a life. I don’t need to control, or see her constantly. I’m generally ok with the distance. I’m deliberately not pushing her, or us, or things. Etc. Why do I feel bad . . .

1. I felt like there was no flexibility. She had plans with her friend to spend the whole day. I don’t understand why she couldn’t have compromised a bit on her friend plan so we could’ve spent some time together. I don’t get why it was all or nothing, especially given that it isn’t like we can see each other the next day, or week, or weeks.

2. It wasn’t just that she had plans with her friend. We had specific plans, too. In deciding to honor her plans with her friend, she broke our plans. That made me feel like I’m not a priority. See #1 above. She seemed to be OK with breaking plans with me.

3. In advance of this issue, we had a conversation about July, which we both knew going in would be tough. During that talk, she said that this being so new we should avoid three to five weeks with no time together. I agreed. We planned to see each other this week specifically to avoid that. Then she made a choice that is causing just that. I’m not saying she is doing this or is doing it consciously, but it almost feels like a test.

By the way, yes, I wrote for perspective, but one of you asked was I seeking advice on what to do...of course. We joke about that Keith Urban song . . . "If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it."

Again, you guys are great. Thanks so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

That is not necessarily true. I am a busy person and sometimes it can't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. First off, WOW, you all are great. I had low expectations posting, but the perspective you've given is wonderful. Thanks so very much.

I must admit, I was surprised by the number of people who understood J’s—the person I’m seeing—thinking, actions. That, actually, is both refreshing and really reassuring to me. Reading the posts that said things like "she had a life before," “you’re the new guy," "stay positive,” was really helpful.

As to your questions:

Exclusive. We haven’t discussed it directly, but if I went out with someone else tonight, she would be upset. And, I’m not the sort to do that. So, whatever haven’t said, I think we are exclusive and I would guess she feels the same.

Friend Relationship: She's not a lesbian. This is a true friend, someone she sees like twice a year. The friend is a well-in-advance planner—makes plans months out and not much flexibility to reschedule.

Overall, I’m going to do as most of you said: take a step back, give her some space, stay positive, let things play out. View this as a hiccup.

One of you wrote saying, you are in the same position and I wanted perspective because I felt bad. Dead on. Exactly.

It isn’t the distance. I get she has a life and want her to have a life. I don’t need to control, or see her constantly. I’m generally ok with the distance. I’m deliberately not pushing her, or us, or things. Etc. Why do I feel bad . . .

1. I felt like there was no flexibility. She had plans with her friend to spend the whole day. I don’t understand why she couldn’t have compromised a bit on her friend plan so we could’ve spent some time together. I don’t get why it was all or nothing, especially given that it isn’t like we can see each other the next day, or week, or weeks.

2. It wasn’t just that she had plans with her friend. We had specific plans, too. In deciding to honor her plans with her friend, she broke our plans. That made me feel like I’m not a priority. See #1 above. She seemed to be OK with breaking plans with me.

3. In advance of this issue, we had a conversation about July, which we both knew going in would be tough. During that talk, she said that this being so new we should avoid three to five weeks with no time together. I agreed. We planned to see each other this week specifically to avoid that. Then she made a choice that is causing just that. I’m not saying she is doing this or is doing it consciously, but it almost feels like a test.

By the way, yes, I wrote for perspective, but one of you asked was I seeking advice on what to do...of course. We joke about that Keith Urban song . . . "If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it."

Again, you guys are great. Thanks so much.

BUT, she made plans with the other friend first. I would honor that commitment over you, sorry, regardless of how much I liked you.

I like a guy, and it took 4 months for us to get together for a third date. That was 5 weeks ago. A lot has happened--we both have work and family stuff, and I have been traveling a lot. I figure, if it is meant to work out it will. I hope to see him soon, but not sure when it can happen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. First off, WOW, you all are great. I had low expectations posting, but the perspective you've given is wonderful. Thanks so very much.

I must admit, I was surprised by the number of people who understood J’s—the person I’m seeing—thinking, actions. That, actually, is both refreshing and really reassuring to me. Reading the posts that said things like "she had a life before," “you’re the new guy," "stay positive,” was really helpful.

As to your questions:

Exclusive. We haven’t discussed it directly, but if I went out with someone else tonight, she would be upset. And, I’m not the sort to do that. So, whatever haven’t said, I think we are exclusive and I would guess she feels the same.

Friend Relationship: She's not a lesbian. This is a true friend, someone she sees like twice a year. The friend is a well-in-advance planner—makes plans months out and not much flexibility to reschedule.

Overall, I’m going to do as most of you said: take a step back, give her some space, stay positive, let things play out. View this as a hiccup.

One of you wrote saying, you are in the same position and I wanted perspective because I felt bad. Dead on. Exactly.

It isn’t the distance. I get she has a life and want her to have a life. I don’t need to control, or see her constantly. I’m generally ok with the distance. I’m deliberately not pushing her, or us, or things. Etc. Why do I feel bad . . .

1. I felt like there was no flexibility. She had plans with her friend to spend the whole day. I don’t understand why she couldn’t have compromised a bit on her friend plan so we could’ve spent some time together. I don’t get why it was all or nothing, especially given that it isn’t like we can see each other the next day, or week, or weeks.

2. It wasn’t just that she had plans with her friend. We had specific plans, too. In deciding to honor her plans with her friend, she broke our plans. That made me feel like I’m not a priority. See #1 above. She seemed to be OK with breaking plans with me.

3. In advance of this issue, we had a conversation about July, which we both knew going in would be tough. During that talk, she said that this being so new we should avoid three to five weeks with no time together. I agreed. We planned to see each other this week specifically to avoid that. Then she made a choice that is causing just that. I’m not saying she is doing this or is doing it consciously, but it almost feels like a test.

By the way, yes, I wrote for perspective, but one of you asked was I seeking advice on what to do...of course. We joke about that Keith Urban song . . . "If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it."

Again, you guys are great. Thanks so much.

I think you’re expecting way too much way too soon. It’s okay to feel bad about not seeing her. I’m sure she feels bad too. But she had prior plans with a friend who she sees twice a year. You seriously can’t expect her to break or modify those plans. It wasn’t that she wasn’t putting you first, it’s that she never should have made any plans with you in the first place. You’re reading way too much into this. This isn’t a test at all. She didn’t choose her friend over you. She chose to honor the plans she’d made first. This isn’t about you!

It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself but you can’t blame her for any of this. Would you have been equally as upset if she declined to make plans with you at all based on her prior commitments. Truly dude you need to slow down!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Did you all forget that it's 4th Of July this week? I'm surprised the op's girlfriend doesn't want to see him on a nice holiday, it's a nice time of year, she can wear a cute dress, and who doesn't want to watch fireworks with a romantic partner? I'm also not convinced the girlfriend is as scatter-brained as op wants to think. It's interesting that when it came down to who's plans to cancel, the girlfriend chose to cancel plans with her boyfriend not plans with a friend. It's also interesting that the girlfriend didn't want op anywhere in the neighborhood when she is with this "friend". Might she be a lesbian op?
My advice would be that you find a local lady who wants to spend time with you. You say you want a relationship, don't waste your time on someone who doesn't. Also, don't use pretty language to justify behavior that is unacceptable to you. These free spirit ladies can get it together when they want to. Your girlfriend is a prime example of this, she wasn't a free spirit when it came to seeing her friend, and she canceled plans with you in order to do it. This wasn't a mutual "I'll go see my brother this week and you go see your mom". As my dad says, nobody has to be in a relationship with you, but if they are, they need to see you and make you a priority. If they choose not to, they have no say in what you do with your time and energy when you two are apart. Also, don't let the ladies on here scare you, "my friend broke up with a guy... I'd have broken up with my husband if...". We all know that if you were a woman posting about a boyfriend who bailed on her, everybody would respond with "he's just not that into you". There would be no "Give him a chance" nonsense.

Wow! This may be one of the craziest replies I’ve read in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

That is not necessarily true. I am a busy person and sometimes it can't happen.

The friend is in town for one day. Why didn't she offer to see OP on the next day or the day before. When I am interested in someone, I negotiate and keep my promises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

That is not necessarily true. I am a busy person and sometimes it can't happen.

The friend is in town for one day. Why didn't she offer to see OP on the next day or the day before. When I am interested in someone, I negotiate and keep my promises.

His earlier post said that he was going to come down there for three days and that the friend visit would have happened day two. It would have been crazy for him to have driven three hours each way for a day trip either the day before or after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

That is not necessarily true. I am a busy person and sometimes it can't happen.

The friend is in town for one day. Why didn't she offer to see OP on the next day or the day before. When I am interested in someone, I negotiate and keep my promises.

His earlier post said that he was going to come down there for three days and that the friend visit would have happened day two. It would have been crazy for him to have driven three hours each way for a day trip either the day before or after.

Yes, and it sounded like he wanted to hang around (and mope?) while she was with her friend. I wouldn't enjoy worrying about what he was doing while I was having fun with my friend. He should relax and stop hurting his own feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

That is not necessarily true. I am a busy person and sometimes it can't happen.

The friend is in town for one day. Why didn't she offer to see OP on the next day or the day before. When I am interested in someone, I negotiate and keep my promises.

His earlier post said that he was going to come down there for three days and that the friend visit would have happened day two. It would have been crazy for him to have driven three hours each way for a day trip either the day before or after.

Exactly. I feel like she is meeting a guy otherwise she wouldn't have changed the plans over the long holiday.

She's probably keeping her options open, or isn't quite as vested as OP imo.

[Anonymous]

I have to disagree with most folks here. If I were really into a guy and trying to fit him into my schedule, but also already had plans with a friend (which my general policy is to not break for a guy), I would have tried to have worked something out so I could see both, or tried to change my schedule later in the month to see you again.

But I agree that you just have to go with the flow right now and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I person who wants to be with you, will be with you. I remind myself of this all of the time.

That is not necessarily true. I am a busy person and sometimes it can't happen.

The friend is in town for one day. Why didn't she offer to see OP on the next day or the day before. When I am interested in someone, I negotiate and keep my promises.

His earlier post said that he was going to come down there for three days and that the friend visit would have happened day two. It would have been crazy for him to have driven three hours each way for a day trip either the day before or after.

Exactly. I feel like she is meeting a guy otherwise she wouldn't have changed the plans over the long holiday.

She's probably keeping her options open, or isn't quite as vested as OP imo.

You underestimate older women.

A twenty-something will blow off a friend for a new guy of three weeks. Older women —especially over 50– know the old friend takes priority over new d!ck.

[Anonymous]

She could have asked him to come for that weekend. Even meet the friend.

OP do you think it could be another guy?