Advice please....long distance relationship in 50's..ugh......female perspective sought

[Anonymous]

I can see the point of view of his new romantic interest feeling awkward about him coming to town and hanging around by himself during her scheduled plans with her friend.

I don’t get the feeling she’s really blowing off the OP. She forgot she had plans (I do that sometimes and I am usually very organized) and she intends to honor the original plans, which I would also do unless I wanted an excuse to get out of them for some reason. She clearly wants to honor the plans, which means this is probably an old and dear friend, and not someone to see as a rival.

Give her space to do this and then move on to the next plans. If it takes a few weeks due to scheduling so be it but make a plan and look forward to it. Now, if she has to reschedule your next plans I’d say that’s a red flag.

[Anonymous]

This 'free spirited" girlfriend is a bit too relaxed about the fact that she abandoned plans with OP and won't see him for a month.
Yes, mistakes happen but she's not showing any sadness over a fact that they won't be together for so long. It's too early to be so nonchalant about this relationship.

I would just mirror her behavior and let her push for the next get together. Let's see how motivated she really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to disagree with most folks here. If I were really into a guy and trying to fit him into my schedule, but also already had plans with a friend (which my general policy is to not break for a guy), I would have tried to have worked something out so I could see both, or tried to change my schedule later in the month to see you again.

But I agree that you just have to go with the flow right now and see what happens.

+1 I would’ve been motivated to make it happen. My guess is she wants to take a breather; OP’s intensity of feeling might not match hers right now, or maybe it overwhelmed her a bit. Or she just might not be into it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to back off a bit. Time will tell whether this was a hiccup or hint that she is not into it as you are or just need more time to get therr. You dont have many good choices now, but wait and see...

[Anonymous]

OP here
Thanks again for all the perspective. Thought I would update you.

I did as most of you said. Backed off. Gave her space. Stayed positive.

On Monday, J sent me a text saying "Can you start driving here now please".

Later in the day I went to see her. She changed her plans around with her friend so we could spend a big chunk of time together each day. Stayed through yesterday afternoon. Great time. Really nice for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, newly divorced, and in the exact same position as you. With a college friend from 30 years ago who lives in another state.

I didn't read you as asking what "to do." But just perspective because you feel bad. I wouldn't be too upset yet. You'll know soon whether her interest and desire match yours. You'll just have to see how this goes.

You sound like a nice person. Good luck!

Questions for the OP and this woman. Did either of you date these people in college or just knew them? Did you keep in touch through the years or out of the blue someone contacted the other person?

[Anonymous]

Understand that she still needs her space.

And that is perfectly acceptable.

Unless this happens quite often - I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

[Anonymous]

I'm the female who responded to OP who is in a similar position. We were close friends in college and stayed in touch for years after. I am pretty sure he had a thing for me because he often joked about it. There were a few times in our postgrad and grad school years when we would stay at each other's place to visit, things like that. We kept in touch over the years, but it is not like we were confidantes or anything like that.

We each divorced in recent years. We both have younger kids, live in two different East coast towns/cities, and we're old by DCUM standards, so I'm not making too much of it. I'd be concerned if he did so I will be sensitive to that. He's very handsome, funny, smart, and a feminist. He's a good person. I read here on DCUM all the time about the horrors of online dating and what people look for in the women who are online - apparently posing in their photos like porn stars - these days. This seems like a much, much more attractive option to me.

[Anonymous]

Also OP, it's great it worked out. Always a good move to give space AND be positive, rather than get defensive and send a bad signal. So it's working out! A little air allows the flame to burn stronger and all that. Good luck! (Stay nice!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Thanks again for all the perspective. Thought I would update you.

I did as most of you said. Backed off. Gave her space. Stayed positive.

On Monday, J sent me a text saying "Can you start driving here now please".

Later in the day I went to see her. She changed her plans around with her friend so we could spend a big chunk of time together each day. Stayed through yesterday afternoon. Great time. Really nice for both of us.

Excellent news! Happy 4th!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for updating us. I'm so glad you gave her some breathing room and stayed positive. It gave her some time to think about you and miss you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, newly divorced, and in the exact same position as you. With a college friend from 30 years ago who lives in another state.

I didn't read you as asking what "to do." But just perspective because you feel bad. I wouldn't be too upset yet. You'll know soon whether her interest and desire match yours. You'll just have to see how this goes.

You sound like a nice person. Good luck!

Questions for the OP and this woman. Did either of you date these people in college or just knew them? Did you keep in touch through the years or out of the blue someone contacted the other person?

OP here....

Did J and I date in college. No. She was actually older than me and engaged to a fraternity brother of mine--they never married.
We travelled in different circles but knew each other (small school).
It also seems that after she graduated, we went out for drinks once. This was when she was still engaged. We both somewhat recall it but it was 30-something years ago.
We did not keep in touch over the years really.
We are friends on FB. Recently, I posted something. She replied. We started to talk again, hit it off. And now are dating.
Wild story, or so it seem to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a female but this sounds like it's fairly new. You need to relax or you are going to push her away. You may want different things. You might eventually want the same thing and work out a solution to close that distance. For now, you need to chill and let her live her life a bit. She will find a way to see you if it's important. This could be a subtle way of telling you that you are coming on too strong too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might feel lousy to her, too, but she isn't necessarily sharing that with you.

She had previous plans. Breaking those for you (a new BF) would feel lousy as well. Especially since she doesn't know where her LD relationship is going.

You have to let this go as a hiccup in the new relationship. Call her, tell her you are going to miss her. etc etc.

Write her a card and put it in the mail ... everybody loves getting real mail. Put something cute in it (like temporary tatoos? like stickers. a piece of non-meltable candy. Like an eraser, whatever) because getting surprise gifts are nice, too

While this is a nice thought, it might not be the best advice. Too much, too soon.

[Anonymous]

I think he's got a handle on this. Trust your instincts OP. Defenses down + air.