S/O regret having kids—“fun” things aren’t fun

[Anonymous]

I can’t say I regret having DS. I love him more than anything. But I have a hard time with “fun” things not being fun. We are currently on our first of two trips this summer. Built this one around an event based on DS’s interest. The actual event was fun, but everything else has been painful. Complaining, whining etc. Sure it’s hot, but we’ve been taking plenty of breaks. DH and I would make the best of it, but with DS it’s so difficult.

It feels like every time we do something “fun” it just leaves us frustrated and annoyed. DS is almost 8 so it should be easy (easier) by now. But I ask myself why we think next time will be different. I’m seriously thinking of asking my parents if they’ll watch DS for our second planned trip this summer. I just want a real vacation without having to feel frustrated and annoyed. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations, but is it so bad to stop including DS in this stuff for a little bit until I’m better equipped to handle it and not feel resentful that I spent time to plan, money to pay for it and PTO in order to do these things but come home more stressed than when I left?

I want to be making family memories but I also have personal needs outside of being a parent. I see people all the time who seem to love traveling with their kids and doing all kinds of outings. For us it’s a 75% chance it will be frustrating and annoying and 25% chance it will actually be fun. That may be generous. I feel like a crappy parent but I see friends and others who seem to be able to have family fun and don’t understand why it eludes us. We only have one kid, it shouldn’t be that hard!

I think I just miss freedom to relax and have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t say I regret having DS. I love him more than anything. But I have a hard time with “fun” things not being fun. We are currently on our first of two trips this summer. Built this one around an event based on DS’s interest. The actual event was fun, but everything else has been painful. Complaining, whining etc. Sure it’s hot, but we’ve been taking plenty of breaks. DH and I would make the best of it, but with DS it’s so difficult.

It feels like every time we do something “fun” it just leaves us frustrated and annoyed. DS is almost 8 so it should be easy (easier) by now. But I ask myself why we think next time will be different. I’m seriously thinking of asking my parents if they’ll watch DS for our second planned trip this summer. I just want a real vacation without having to feel frustrated and annoyed. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations, but is it so bad to stop including DS in this stuff for a little bit until I’m better equipped to handle it and not feel resentful that I spent time to plan, money to pay for it and PTO in order to do these things but come home more stressed than when I left?

I want to be making family memories but I also have personal needs outside of being a parent. I see people all the time who seem to love traveling with their kids and doing all kinds of outings. For us it’s a 75% chance it will be frustrating and annoying and 25% chance it will actually be fun. That may be generous. I feel like a crappy parent but I see friends and others who seem to be able to have family fun and don’t understand why it eludes us. We only have one kid, it shouldn’t be that hard!

I think I just miss freedom to relax and have fun.

I am right there with you. We have two kids. My oldest is 9, and very difficult. We end up frustrated and feeling upset after almost every outing. And my kids fight, too. At least you don’t have sibling rivlary!

[Anonymous]

I think that when people say their family trips are fun, they mean that they enjoyed seeing the kids have fun and doing things with them. I do t think they mean that it was fun in the same way that it’s fun to do something with your best friend or even more fun. Childcare is still some work, and being with your child 24/7 isn’t going to leave you feeling relaxed and refreshed.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely entitled to vacation time without your son! 7 was a rough ride in our house, fwiw. But if your kid is just a complainer, then some time apart will be good for everyone!

[Anonymous]

It’s possible your kid just has a personality that makes traveling tough. I don’t know your kid.
I will say that while we have fun with our kids (9 & 5) on trips and outings, it’s not ALL fun and of course still involves all the normal work of parenting. We travelled a lot when our second kid was 1-3. Kid 1 was pretty easy at this age, but kid 2 was harder. There were meltdowns in art museums, unpleasant flights, etc. But for us, we felt the positives far outweigh the negatives.

One thing that helped with older kids (4-5 and up) was preparing them for the trip in advance. We read a lot of books about the history/people/wildlife/whatever of where we were going and talked about what we’d see. We talked about where we would stay, went over things like “our airplane arrives late at night” or things like that. We got them a sketchbook or journal and let them use a camera. That way, they know what to expect and look forward to it themselves.

All that said, if you think your kid would be happy staying with his grandparents and no feel like you are casting him aside (since you originally planned to bring him along), of course it’s fine to travel without him sometimes.

[Anonymous]

One thing that really helps is choosing trips that work for your kids. And I don't mean necessarily choosing what they'd want to do. My kids will beg and beg for Disney, but then melt at the chaos and lines. They are super sweet and happy with a quiet trip to the beach or lake or camping. The less chaos and less we have scheduled, the happier they are. We don't even do mini golf or other activities. Just swimming and sand playing. They end up super happy and don't whine. This absolutely isn't what I'd choose for myself, but it works for my kids right now.

I also think that you have to travel with your kids to make them good travelers. It takes work to get to that point. But even then, some kids are harder than others.

[Anonymous]

Kids suck the fun out of everything. I except that as childhod. I was that way as a child too but looking back i have fond memories of family vacations. I plan 2 family vacations and 2 or 3 couples weekends a year. I also do a solo trip every other year.

[Anonymous]

Except = expect

[Anonymous]

OP-- I think you should think about the specific things that weren't fun about the trips and try to correct them next time.

Did he melt down because he know the plan and he felt out of control? Maybe a written schedule will help = that helps my anxious child when we travel = he knows what is next.

Does he need more activity (one of my kids needs to constantly go) or less? (one of my kids is more of an introvert).

My kids are teens now and we have gotten really good and managing expectations and picking trips they will like. (I don't mean they like water parks so we go there). I mean that when we take a trip, we arrange for my DH to take my younger kid out for extra activities so my other kid can have alone time in the hotel room, and we eat dinner late since that's when my kids are hungry, and we tell them what to expect each day.

I think you need to figure out what works for you and your kid and make some adjustments. (also agree it's fine to travel without him or send him to camp if you need a break).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that when people say their family trips are fun, they mean that they enjoyed seeing the kids have fun and doing things with them. I do t think they mean that it was fun in the same way that it’s fun to do something with your best friend or even more fun. Childcare is still some work, and being with your child 24/7 isn’t going to leave you feeling relaxed and refreshed.

+ 1000

To be fair, it's easier if you naturally have the type of personality that deals with the drudgery of childcare better. Dh was much more patient and easygoing with the annoying kid stuff (whining, complaining, tantrums, schedules, etc) and he always ended up having more fun with them when they were young. For me, it was a basically wash. Whatever fun there was, was basically canceled out by the annoying kid stuff.

Now that they are teenagers, I enjoy spending time with them so much more. They're like actual people that I like hanging out with. Fun things are actually fun. But I had to put in my time and build my relationship with them when they were young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that when people say their family trips are fun, they mean that they enjoyed seeing the kids have fun and doing things with them. I do t think they mean that it was fun in the same way that it’s fun to do something with your best friend or even more fun. Childcare is still some work, and being with your child 24/7 isn’t going to leave you feeling relaxed and refreshed.

+ 1000

To be fair, it's easier if you naturally have the type of personality that deals with the drudgery of childcare better. Dh was much more patient and easygoing with the annoying kid stuff (whining, complaining, tantrums, schedules, etc) and he always ended up having more fun with them when they were young. For me, it was a basically wash. Whatever fun there was, was basically canceled out by the annoying kid stuff.

Now that they are teenagers, I enjoy spending time with them so much more. They're like actual people that I like hanging out with. Fun things are actually fun. But I had to put in my time and build my relationship with them when they were young.

Describe this so-called personality type please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that when people say their family trips are fun, they mean that they enjoyed seeing the kids have fun and doing things with them. I do t think they mean that it was fun in the same way that it’s fun to do something with your best friend or even more fun. Childcare is still some work, and being with your child 24/7 isn’t going to leave you feeling relaxed and refreshed.

+ 1000

To be fair, it's easier if you naturally have the type of personality that deals with the drudgery of childcare better. Dh was much more patient and easygoing with the annoying kid stuff (whining, complaining, tantrums, schedules, etc) and he always ended up having more fun with them when they were young. For me, it was a basically wash. Whatever fun there was, was basically canceled out by the annoying kid stuff.

Now that they are teenagers, I enjoy spending time with them so much more. They're like actual people that I like hanging out with. Fun things are actually fun. But I had to put in my time and build my relationship with them when they were young.

Describe this so-called personality type please.

PP. What's hard to understand? Different people find different ages easier and more enjoyable. Dh is actually a little sad that they are so "grown-up" and don't need him in same way. That they are young adults rather than children.

[Anonymous]

Single parent here. I wanted some time to myself so around that age (7 or 8), I started looking at camps for my DS. I would get a week or more to myself and he would have a blast. Win, win. He went to camp for six years and loved it. He is 14 now and talks about going back as a counselor once he is in college. It is definitely something to consider.

[Anonymous]

It is ok to have a vacation without your child and get a break. But I think you need to look at what is leading to the whining and complaining. My son is 10 and has major food issues, so eating out on vacation is always an issue. We now buy peanut butter and bread and give him a choice of eating it at the hotel and just hanging out when DH and I eat at a restaurant. He doesn't do well with art museums, so we don't make those parts of our trips. But he does like outdoors stuff, science museums, going on new forms of public transportation, the beach, walking around at outdoor markets. So by keeping our trips focused on those things, we manage to have a relatively whining-free vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that when people say their family trips are fun, they mean that they enjoyed seeing the kids have fun and doing things with them. I do t think they mean that it was fun in the same way that it’s fun to do something with your best friend or even more fun. Childcare is still some work, and being with your child 24/7 isn’t going to leave you feeling relaxed and refreshed.

+ 1000

To be fair, it's easier if you naturally have the type of personality that deals with the drudgery of childcare better. Dh was much more patient and easygoing with the annoying kid stuff (whining, complaining, tantrums, schedules, etc) and he always ended up having more fun with them when they were young. For me, it was a basically wash. Whatever fun there was, was basically canceled out by the annoying kid stuff.

Now that they are teenagers, I enjoy spending time with them so much more. They're like actual people that I like hanging out with. Fun things are actually fun. But I had to put in my time and build my relationship with them when they were young.

Describe this so-called personality type please.

I think it used to be called “type B personality.”