S/O regret having kids—“fun” things aren’t fun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OO, your kid is a whining brat because you have allowed him to be this way. There were five of us and my father was military and we knew from the getgo whining would only lead to time outs and a good swat on the bottom.

Children are born feral and it is up to parents to tame them and turn them into civilized people and you start this process on day one.

It's a Von Trapp Family Vacation!

My kids were always crummy on vacation; they were out of their element and out of sorts, and it was harder to manage their bad moods with shared walls and not all of their stuff.

People talk about how their kids lovedvacations, how their happiest memories all revolve around vacations, and they'd tell us how we needed to take our vacation at the beach/on a cruise/in Europe blah blah blah, by which they meant that's what worked for them. But sheesh, not everyone likes those things. Not everyone likes traveling.

I remember coming back from a particularly gruesome vacation and taking the kids to their back-to-school checkups, and we were cracking each other up and just howling with laughter, and and I thought, crap, a windowless room with a paper-covered exam table and we're like Happy Sitcom Family, but a resort with a kids' club and I become Madagascar Hissing Mommy. Maybe we should vacation at the pediatrician's.

I occasionally travel with a friend, and we have a great time. My kids used to ask if they could come, and I'd tell them about the days filled with museums and nights filled with theater, and they'd decide to stay home. Better for everyone, really.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were young we used to take them to King's Dominion or Busch Gardens at least once a year. It was fun!

BUT...once we decided to go to Busch Gardens with another couple instead, no kids. OMG now THAT was really fun! Instead of doing it in one day we stayed over two nights, it was great!

No guilt, no regrets, just totally FUN!

[Anonymous]

Part of it depends on your expectations.

dH gets SO aggravated at the whining or when the kids are not in great form when we do something special. He also will forget the good parts and view the aggravating parts as “ruining” the experience.

I don’t let it bother me that much and also just ignore where possible.

[Anonymous]

I find that of all the parents I know, the parents of onlies are the most dissatisfied with parenting, which I always assumed was because one (or both) parents didn’t really want kids.

[Anonymous]

I am truly happy when I see my young kid (3 year old) is having fun & smiling even though he makes me tired mentally & physically. I enjoy taking him outdoors for a few hours because it is less exhausting & considered a break for me watching him to play with others rather me playing with him at home.

DH does not enjoy that much taking kid outdoor to play at kiddy playground, bounce house because he does not think it is fun at all "to him". He would rather drive hours & taking kid to "places that adults can enjoy as well, like zoo/aquarium/carnival even though we have to push the stroller most of the time up/down the hill, hot & humid outside, super crowded & carry him & he is not tall enough for most of the ride. To me, it is not that fun at all, and kind of long hours & exhausting. It is so difficult to please DH. DH wants to travel to europe but I don't want to carry carseat/stroller & worry about him getting sick/jet lag/ruin his sleeping habit & so on etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. I picked my 3 year old up from daycare early last week to go see the dinosaurs at the museum. It's my own fault for getting excited and having expectations. She was a nightmare. I spent the entire time sprinting after her and trying to contain her. I literally didn't read a single word on a single exhibit. Obviously I know a 3 year old isn't going to have an in depth conversation with me about the cretaceous period or whatever, but I thought we would have some fun on her terms. Ended up with me literally sweaty and exhausted from chasing her and her in tears because I was trying to contain her. It made me really sad because I made the mistake of looking forward to it.

I have to say this totally cracked me up. I have a toddler and totally feel for you, PP, and for you too, OP. (This also kind of reminds me of another thread I read shortly before DD was born where a poster said she had renewed her subscription to the Economist figuring she could read out loud while she nursed, thereby keeping up with current events and expanding her baby's vocabulary, but turned out an infant wasn't interested in learning that Indonesia was at a crossroads or whatever.) My hopes and expectations never match reality. So, I try to get my fun out of the pre-trip daydreams at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that of all the parents I know, the parents of onlies are the most dissatisfied with parenting, which I always assumed was because one (or both) parents didn’t really want kids.

yes, I have found that parents of only children have the hardest time with parenting as well. I think it's because they often have to be their child's sole entertainment, conversationalist, etc. I rely SO heavily on my kids to entertain (or even just talk to) each other.

Also, i think parents of lots of kids are just beaten down and don't expect to have any "me time". I know I've long since given up. I figure I'll next have hobbies or time to nap when I"m 65. It stinks but it's all I know and I mostly don't notice it.
I think when you have one kid, you get just enough "me time" that when you have the kid around, he/she seems like more of a noticeable burden.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you all are my people! I can plan the most fun vacation, but it's sort of just misery for me. Everyone's sleep is off, no on naps and I'm just "on" 24/7 which is draining.

The worst trips we've had have been to visit grandparents. Grandparents have such high expectations for my kids to behave well, zero activities planned and they're disappointed anytime we try to leave the house. It's as though they thought my toddlers would love to just sit on the couch an converse with them for 3 days. Or calmly bake cookies or whatever. Instead my kids are melting down because they had to sleep on the ground and have been cooped up in a tiny house for hours. WHY won't grandparents let us leave the house!? omg it's bad. Grandparents are upset when we try to plan adventures, even if it's the playground for an hour (But "great aunt edna is coming over to visit with the kids and she doesn't go outside!") And then we try to visit great grandparents in nursing homes and it goes from bad to worse. Toddlers basically on a rampage trying to pull oxygen cords off and rip stuff off the walls. At home my kids are lovely, calm, well rested and we have so much fun. They even hate grandparents' food (I do too! hah).

I'm sorry but if I have to choose between shitty family visits or Disney world, I'm picking Disney world every time. Grandparents can just come visit us instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that really helps is choosing trips that work for your kids. And I don't mean necessarily choosing what they'd want to do. My kids will beg and beg for Disney, but then melt at the chaos and lines. They are super sweet and happy with a quiet trip to the beach or lake or camping. The less chaos and less we have scheduled, the happier they are. We don't even do mini golf or other activities. Just swimming and sand playing. They end up super happy and don't whine. This absolutely isn't what I'd choose for myself, but it works for my kids right now.

I also think that you have to travel with your kids to make them good travelers. It takes work to get to that point. But even then, some kids are harder than others.

YES. This. All of this. We have the most fun when we go to a state park, rent a cabin, and just CHILL for the weekend. It's lovely. My son makes friends with other kids that are also there, we might have plans for one day to go see something, but then we get back to the park early enough to cook dinner and DS walks to the playground and then we make a campfire and make smores and tell ghost stories. It's great, and we all end the weekend relaxed and refreshed.

[Anonymous]

It does not have to be you OP but I know few families who used to complain that about the same thing traveling with their kids of young age and the problem was that the parents overpacked the kid's day with activities heavily.
It is very important to adjust the amount of activities according to the energy level and need for rest and relaxation for little kids who look forward to free time in the summer. A child often does not know what does it mean "going to Disney"
they only see pictures and think fun but the reality of lines is such. Then you see people trying to squeeze most juice of their buck so they wake up at 6 run to the park and stand in each line for each activity and collapse in the evening after all the activities.
The question is .. why? Why are they doing it? At the end of the day, talk to kids who grew up and ask what mattered to them.. a trip, a fun one or two rides are remembered but all this frenzy is not necessary.
When people scale down majorly and let kids sleep long, make very few activities and let them soak in the pool, enjoy the meals in peace and play in the sand at the beach and relax watching TV some.. that changes things..

People fail to tailor the activities to the level and capacity of a child. Then they complain.
I remember how one of my friend got so upset at their kids for the very same thing on a trip that they cut all activities but one a day "as a punishment' .. turned they had the most peaceful and fun vacation ever.. that was very interesting thing to hear but think about it.. Kids really don't know what they are subscribing for when you action pack the day, you do, they don't. Also the sensory overload is major. You take them out of their known element, that is already a lot to process, and now you throw at them new stuff at the speed of light. Stand back and think about this. Not every child has the same processing capacity, perhaps yours does not.

Next time just try to bring up the topic of amount of activates to the kid and see what they want to do, do it before the trip.. you will have way more things they want to do.. then watch .. after one day of what they plan they don't want to do it at the same speed.. they simply overestimate their capacity. Most of the kids have no idea what they are subscribing to.. so when you look at other families you never know what are they doing, what kind of kids they have, how they plan and do they take lots of break?

Read Disney boards, most families claim do one day activites, next day give kids day off at the pool, do not overbook days at the park.. etc. This is just an example of how some people plan to avoid tired and cranky kids.

At the end of the day is it about being somewhere with the family, change the landscape, go rest and relax? If so then who cares if you go or do stuff or do nothing? It is not a competition, rent a great room with a great view at the great hotel with great pools in a great location and you are already on vacation, doing anything else is optional.

[Anonymous]

Teach your child some manners. Teach him to be grateful that he even has vacations! How hard is that?! (Unless he is SN, but you didn't say he was.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you all are my people! I can plan the most fun vacation, but it's sort of just misery for me. Everyone's sleep is off, no on naps and I'm just "on" 24/7 which is draining.

The worst trips we've had have been to visit grandparents. Grandparents have such high expectations for my kids to behave well, zero activities planned and they're disappointed anytime we try to leave the house. It's as though they thought my toddlers would love to just sit on the couch an converse with them for 3 days. Or calmly bake cookies or whatever. Instead my kids are melting down because they had to sleep on the ground and have been cooped up in a tiny house for hours. WHY won't grandparents let us leave the house!? omg it's bad. Grandparents are upset when we try to plan adventures, even if it's the playground for an hour (But "great aunt edna is coming over to visit with the kids and she doesn't go outside!") And then we try to visit great grandparents in nursing homes and it goes from bad to worse. Toddlers basically on a rampage trying to pull oxygen cords off and rip stuff off the walls. At home my kids are lovely, calm, well rested and we have so much fun. They even hate grandparents' food (I do too! hah).

I'm sorry but if I have to choose between shitty family visits or Disney world, I'm picking Disney world every time. Grandparents can just come visit us instead.

But what if your parents are no longer flying long distances (i.e., the 5.5 hours to DC)? That’s the situation I’m in. Pay $5K for a shitty vacation to grandparents or don’t see them!

[Anonymous]

Readers: remember this when someone says the easiest route is to have only one child.

Ever since my two we’re out of diapers, we’ve had terrific trips. They can entertain each other happily anywhere. 10 and 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that of all the parents I know, the parents of onlies are the most dissatisfied with parenting, which I always assumed was because one (or both) parents didn’t really want kids.

yes, I have found that parents of only children have the hardest time with parenting as well. I think it's because they often have to be their child's sole entertainment, conversationalist, etc. I rely SO heavily on my kids to entertain (or even just talk to) each other.

Also, i think parents of lots of kids are just beaten down and don't expect to have any "me time". I know I've long since given up. I figure I'll next have hobbies or time to nap when I"m 65. It stinks but it's all I know and I mostly don't notice it.
I think when you have one kid, you get just enough "me time" that when you have the kid around, he/she seems like more of a noticeable burden.

Your second paragraph is kind of the vibe I got from the OP. I didn’t see anything that made me think she was not parenting well, or had a particularly difficult child. More that she is comparing these trips with her child to trips with just her husband of solo trips and wondering why these are not more fun. And they are often more fun than just hanging out at home with your kids, but certainly not the same kind of fun for adults as adult only vacations.

[Anonymous]

I am exactly the same as you. Two kids. I just don't think parenting is fun. I did not plan on kids. Unplanned. Both. I love them, but it is not fun for me. I've accepted it. I know I am not like other people, but I was never one of those people who couldn't wait to have kids. It was not the plan.