Your experience leaving someone with depression
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Anonymous
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I'm very ready to move on from my long-term partner, who has depression and has been unemployed long-term. On the surface to others he seems functional -- we go places, hang out on the weekends, he maintains friendships (although mostly via WhatsApp and FB with former classmates in his hometown, rather than in-person friendships). I believe he has ADD, which contributes to his inability to focus on things like job applications. He says he also has anxiety.
Realistically, he's not going to find work anytime soon if major things don't change. He's been out of the labor force too long and the jobs he talks about applying to are unrealistic at this point. He doesn't follow up with treatment and doesn't really believe in therapy. I don't love him anymore and cannot continue to support him financially. I have a window of opportunity to leave because we have to move out of our apartment shortly (landlord is selling). My plan is to move into my own place and basically let him fend for himself. He has siblings (including a wealthy sister) and my hope is that he would reach out to them for help. I realize I've enabled him and I'm hoping his family could do something. He would be mortified if he had to ask them for help and he'll focus a tremendous amount of anger and verbal abuse on me once this goes down. I feel like I have to let him hit rock bottom, unfortunately, to keep myself from drowning and supporting him forever. I have to save myself, but don't want anything truly terrible to happen to him in the meantime. Do you have any advice based on your experience leaving someone with depression and/or long-term unemployment? |
Anonymous
| I left a former partner with untreated bipolar disorder. I spoke to his parents and sister beforehand to let them know I was leaving, so that they would be prepared to support him emotionally. His parents were understanding and helpful. His sister mostly tried to emotionally blackmail me. |
Anonymous
| Get a whole lot of therapy for yourself. You need to understand why you chose this guy. |
Anonymous
| I would provide first and last months rent for him and be gone. If the break up gets emotionally abusive, then be prepared to so say and enforce no further contact. |
Anonymous
| Hope your partner can overcome his mental health challenges and find someone better |
Anonymous
A better enabler of not dealing with his problems, sure. It's hard, when you are depressed. BTDT. But it's your shit to deal with in the end, not someone else's responsibility -- unless you are 5. |
Anonymous
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I let my depressive BF breakup with me because I wasn’t for sure he could handle me breaking up with him (note: he has tried 5 times to get back with me).
I know I can be anxious and depressed and be brought that crap out in me more. You will be so happy, light and free when you are gone! |
Anonymous
| Be careful OP. If his depression is truly disabling, and the government agrees, you may get tagged with spousal support for life. |
Anonymous
LOL Long term unemployed and depressed but HE'S the one who deserves a better partner? |
Anonymous
If they are long term partners but have never gotten married, she will not be responsible for supporting him. There are advantages to being unmarried. OP, I left a long term partner with bipolar disorder. It was a huge relief to me. He tried to reconcile for a couple of years. Eventually he found another woman to take care of him. I think the split was good for him as well, as it meant he had to keep some kind of work and having some kind of structure is important, even when depressed. Our split also encouraged him to take his illness seriously, and he started to see a doctor and take meds. Over the last decade he has been better or worse about complying with meds, but that is not my problem anymore. TBH, splitting up was also best for him. I'm a little perplexed how you will manage this? Surely, your partner will be saying things about moving into a new place prior to your actual move out day? IMO, you will have to pull the trigger a couple of months at least before the actual termination of your tenancy and move out. I would leave him 2-3 months on the lease by himself -- maybe he can get a short term roommate and earn some income that way. Plus, I would basically let him keep whatever security deposit from your current place and use it for his own new place. I would definitely not sign any new lease with him. All of that is assuming you can afford it. You should not endanger yourself financially to help him. In my circumstance, I kicked my ex out with only 2 day's notice. (Circumstances called for that.) He had to own up and ask a friend to crash on her couch. He didn't tell or ask his own family for support, rather he asked a work colleague who was an alcoholic. I guess he felt he would get more sympathy from her about his messing up. |
Anonymous
| I agree you should move out now, leaving him with some time on the lease to sort himself out.send a letter to his family letting them know. |
Anonymous
Ah, DCUMs resident abusive spouse has joined us, I see. Sorry, you don't get to justify your abusive behavior because of mental illness. |
Anonymous
It is incumbent on him, in the first place, not to make his partner miserable. She’s already done her time being there for him. |
Anonymous
| You have to do what's best for you if you want to be happy. I left my ex-husband and he sounds a lot like your partner. That was more than 10 years ago and he is just fine today. We're still best friends, but I do not have to feel that it is my job to support him emotionally and financially. |
Anonymous
You really buried the lead. He’s not just depressed, he’s abusive. Please be careful leaving. |