Your experience leaving someone with depression

[Anonymous]

Several years ago, I left my husband who suffered from major depression. However, my story has a bit of a spin to it. He died not even two full years afterward. Healthy, young (45), and dropped dead. He was extremely co-dependent and incapable of taking care of himself.

Not only do I have the added guilt of leaving, but I also have the added guilt of him dying as a result or at least the appearance of it.

It has been a lot to deal with, however, I don't regret leaving. As op stated-- it would either have been me or him had I stayed. He was draining the life force from me. Wrecklessly cheating and generally just toxic for me.

I am truly sorry and sad that he died, and I will always wish things could have ended differently.

[Anonymous]

If the roles were reversed, people here would be saying what a horrible person the guy is for leaving the depressed woman, she deserves 1/2, blah, blah, blah.

The hypocrisy is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the roles were reversed, people here would be saying what a horrible person the guy is for leaving the depressed woman, she deserves 1/2, blah, blah, blah.

The hypocrisy is amazing.

You sound awfully bitter.

I'd say the same for a woman or a man -- if the partner is putting in good faith effort, or if the situation isn't so bad it is taking apart the other person, then marriage means you have a commitment to keep trying. You can choose not to, of course, but you should at least try.

But I've also flat out told male friends and family (not many, but a few) that I totally supported them in getting out of the relationship, ASAP. There comes a point where staying is only causing more ill in the world, and it's helping nobody.

That being said, there is a peculiarly male-flavored syndrome in our culture. Male depression often is outward-focused, not inward -- it looks like rage, and like blaming others and tearing them down, rather than turning the negative energy inward. That is going to burn out a partner faster than inward-focused depression, even though the latter can do it, too. It does mean that a male depressed partner often becomes more dangerous to the other partner, and more quickly, than the female, and so the advice to leave is likely going to come sooner and more frequently overall.

[Anonymous]

My advice is don’t give him your new address.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that. I was worried but it turned out he was totally fine without me. Once he wasn’t enabled anymore, surprise, he was able to keep a job and take care of himself. Just make a clean break, cut off all contact so he can’t take it out on you or try to manipulate you. Don’t give him your new address.

[Anonymous]

Question here. If someone realizes that depression is part of their makeup, consciously exercises or takes medication to minimize any effect and in reality they understand how to ive with it, would that take them out of any relationship potential?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope your partner can overcome his mental health challenges and find someone better

LOL

Long term unemployed and depressed but HE'S the one who deserves a better partner?

That’s most of the women on DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here. If someone realizes that depression is part of their makeup, consciously exercises or takes medication to minimize any effect and in reality they understand how to ive with it, would that take them out of any relationship potential?

It depends. If they use it as an excuse to not be a functioning adult- not working, not cleaning up around the house, unable to meet their partner’s emotional needs- then yes, they aren’t relationship potential. Nobody wants to sign up for a life of taking care of an adult.

[Anonymous]

I have a window of opportunity to leave because we have to move out of our apartment shortly (landlord is selling). My plan is to move into my own place and basically let him fend for himself.

What about a middle-ground option? You move into your own place but establish a trust-style income stream for him. Nothing extravagant, say $600-$700 per month for 12-15 months, ramping down to approx. $350 per month for a "close out" period of 6-9months. Easy to set up with PayPal, Venmo or other options.

[Anonymous]

I understand you leaving but walking away from your long term partner and leaving them with no support and destitute when the main reason for that is a chronic illness and disability seems unnecessarily cruel.

Go ahead and leave but be a better person in how you go about it. No need to be nasty because you fell out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here. If someone realizes that depression is part of their makeup, consciously exercises or takes medication to minimize any effect and in reality they understand how to ive with it, would that take them out of any relationship potential?

How well is he able to treat a relationship partner, like an equal or like a patient?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you leaving but walking away from your long term partner and leaving them with no support and destitute when the main reason for that is a chronic illness and disability seems unnecessarily cruel.

Go ahead and leave but be a better person in how you go about it. No need to be nasty because you fell out of love.

Yes, and some people are just more comfortable not working. Be it the commute, the drudgery, the "expectations," or other factors, some people prefer staying out of the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Reparations, Not Separations. #NoJusticeNoMeats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question here. If someone realizes that depression is part of their makeup, consciously exercises or takes medication to minimize any effect and in reality they understand how to ive with it, would that take them out of any relationship potential?

How well is he able to treat a relationship partner, like an equal or like a patient?

An equal partner who is aware of triggering events and recognizes their impact, not someone leaning on another person as if they were a health provider. By the way, depression effects an enormous amount of Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is don’t give him your new address.

And have a roommate for 3-6 months following