Your experience leaving someone with depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you leaving but walking away from your long term partner and leaving them with no support and destitute when the main reason for that is a chronic illness and disability seems unnecessarily cruel.

Go ahead and leave but be a better person in how you go about it. No need to be nasty because you fell out of love.

Yes, and some people are just more comfortable not working. Be it the commute, the drudgery, the "expectations," or other factors, some people prefer staying out of the workforce.

Untreated ADHd absolutely leads to anxiety and depressions and then anger/verbal abuse.

op likely made a ton of excuses for this guy before finally realizing she was being verbally and emotionally abused and needed to GTHO.

I would leave two months before lease runs out, tell home it’s over, change your phone, use a different email, and call his parents the minute after you leave to tell him you broke up and to help him.
They will get it.

We went through this for my adhd Bil- the job firings, the women dumping him, the depression, the codependency w his parents. But no one, not even his brother/ my husband would demand he see a doctor or get treated. Such a shame.

op your have carried him long enough, he is not relationship nor marital material. He needs medical help for his illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you leaving but walking away from your long term partner and leaving them with no support and destitute when the main reason for that is a chronic illness and disability seems unnecessarily cruel.

Go ahead and leave but be a better person in how you go about it. No need to be nasty because you fell out of love.

Yes, and some people are just more comfortable not working. Be it the commute, the drudgery, the "expectations," or other factors, some people prefer staying out of the workforce.

That could be but in this case we know he has a major mental illness interfering with his ability to work. Depression is one of the main reasons people are off work and about 40% of LTD and sick time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you leaving but walking away from your long term partner and leaving them with no support and destitute when the main reason for that is a chronic illness and disability seems unnecessarily cruel.

Go ahead and leave but be a better person in how you go about it. No need to be nasty because you fell out of love.

Yes, and some people are just more comfortable not working. Be it the commute, the drudgery, the "expectations," or other factors, some people prefer staying out of the workforce.

Untreated ADHd absolutely leads to anxiety and depressions and then anger/verbal abuse.

op likely made a ton of excuses for this guy before finally realizing she was being verbally and emotionally abused and needed to GTHO.

I would leave two months before lease runs out, tell home it’s over, change your phone, use a different email, and call his parents the minute after you leave to tell him you broke up and to help him.
They will get it.

We went through this for my adhd Bil- the job firings, the women dumping him, the depression, the codependency w his parents. But no one, not even his brother/ my husband would demand he see a doctor or get treated. Such a shame.

op your have carried him long enough, he is not relationship nor marital material. He needs medical help for his illness.

She didn't say he has been abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have a window of opportunity to leave because we have to move out of our apartment shortly (landlord is selling). My plan is to move into my own place and basically let him fend for himself.

What about a middle-ground option? You move into your own place but establish a trust-style income stream for him. Nothing extravagant, say $600-$700 per month for 12-15 months, ramping down to approx. $350 per month for a "close out" period of 6-9months. Easy to set up with PayPal, Venmo or other options.

What? Paying for an adult who you aren’t married to and don’t have kids with is insane. OP needs to just cut the cord and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

You DO NOt owe your boyfriend of a few years health care, free rent, alimony, food, counseling, etc.

He needs his parents and he needs to grow up.

His parents failed him. They failed to get him better diagnosed and systems to help him with his mental illnesses. Frankly the underlying issue — his adhd- should have been managed better long ago so it did not lead to all these comorbid mental illnesses.

Keep this breakup short and professional. many women leave moocher boyfriends who they stayed with for too long.

[Anonymous]

I told my depressed husband I was leaving. He didn’t believe me until I flew to a different city to look for apartments. He ended up killing himself when I got back. If you think that’s a chance, try to find him a safety net before it gets serious.

[Anonymous]

He is not your responsibility.

Be kind. Keep it clean & simple. Don't drag this out.

Get your valuables out now and in a safety deposit box.

Do not move into a new place with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have a window of opportunity to leave because we have to move out of our apartment shortly (landlord is selling). My plan is to move into my own place and basically let him fend for himself.

What about a middle-ground option? You move into your own place but establish a trust-style income stream for him. Nothing extravagant, say $600-$700 per month for 12-15 months, ramping down to approx. $350 per month for a "close out" period of 6-9months. Easy to set up with PayPal, Venmo or other options.

What? Paying for an adult who you aren’t married to and don’t have kids with is insane. OP needs to just cut the cord and be done with it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my depressed husband I was leaving. He didn’t believe me until I flew to a different city to look for apartments. He ended up killing himself when I got back. If you think that’s a chance, try to find him a safety net before it gets serious.

You could not have fixed him. He would not face it until you were gone.

There are no "safety net' guarantees. You do the best you can, sure, but if they were going to kill themselves, they would have done it anyway.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, owes it to another adult to be a hostage to them. That's true no matter what the details, and no matter if they are mentally ill. Bad things happen to people. That's awful. It does not mean that other people have to join in the badness if the person involved isn't trying to fix it.

Sorry. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my depressed husband I was leaving. He didn’t believe me until I flew to a different city to look for apartments. He ended up killing himself when I got back. If you think that’s a chance, try to find him a safety net before it gets serious.

Call or email the parents and siblings that he’s single and to be there to help him. The OP that did that had it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have a window of opportunity to leave because we have to move out of our apartment shortly (landlord is selling). My plan is to move into my own place and basically let him fend for himself.

What about a middle-ground option? You move into your own place but establish a trust-style income stream for him. Nothing extravagant, say $600-$700 per month for 12-15 months, ramping down to approx. $350 per month for a "close out" period of 6-9months. Easy to set up with PayPal, Venmo or other options.

What? Paying for an adult who you aren’t married to and don’t have kids with is insane. OP needs to just cut the cord and be done with it.

But he's not comfortable working!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have a window of opportunity to leave because we have to move out of our apartment shortly (landlord is selling). My plan is to move into my own place and basically let him fend for himself.

What about a middle-ground option? You move into your own place but establish a trust-style income stream for him. Nothing extravagant, say $600-$700 per month for 12-15 months, ramping down to approx. $350 per month for a "close out" period of 6-9months. Easy to set up with PayPal, Venmo or other options.

What? Paying for an adult who you aren’t married to and don’t have kids with is insane. OP needs to just cut the cord and be done with it.

But he's not comfortable working!

Ayup.

Then a lot of comfortable things will not be within his grasp. Hope he's comfortable with that. If not, there are some options amongst the uncomfortable choices, and he can choose which ones are the best choices for him, among the available uncomfortable options.

And a pony.

[Anonymous]

But who will provide him with money for everyday expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question here. If someone realizes that depression is part of their makeup, consciously exercises or takes medication to minimize any effect and in reality they understand how to ive with it, would that take them out of any relationship potential?

Not necessarily. I have a friend who’s been on and off antidepressants pretty much all the time I’ve known him, since late teens. He was very open about it with the women he dated, like bringing it up on the first date Most ran away, but not all. The one who eventually became his wife asked lots of questions, also on the first date, about what it means for him, etc, etc, even dosage (she is an MD). She said she was OK with the answers, and they’ve been married for about 15 years now. AFAIK, it’s a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question here. If someone realizes that depression is part of their makeup, consciously exercises or takes medication to minimize any effect and in reality they understand how to ive with it, would that take them out of any relationship potential?

Not necessarily. I have a friend who’s been on and off antidepressants pretty much all the time I’ve known him, since late teens. He was very open about it with the women he dated, like bringing it up on the first date Most ran away, but not all. The one who eventually became his wife asked lots of questions, also on the first date, about what it means for him, etc, etc, even dosage (she is an MD). She said she was OK with the answers, and they’ve been married for about 15 years now. AFAIK, it’s a good marriage.

PP. Need to add that my friend has always been gainfully employed and lived on his own since finishing college, so whatever his issues, mooching wasn’t one of them.