Husband screamed at me and never apologized or acknowledged it

[Anonymous]

On Wednesday evening my husband came home after drinking with a friend. I was in a pissy mood and made a comment about how I feel we are behind and all our friends are moving on, growing up, buying houses, having babies etc.

He grows cold and snaps at me saying he’s not dealing with this again.

I am taken aback by his sudden change of tone and tell him I’d like for him to listen to me.

He refuses and walks out of the room. I follow him in the living room and he tells me to go away. I feel confused and ask why. He says leave me alone. I say no you have to talk to me. He started yelling and screaming at me to leave him alone. I tell him to stop acting that way. I go over and touch him saying I love him and it’s ok and that he needs to calm down. He screams in my face, “ go away!!! Leave me alone!!! I want to bash my head against a wall!”

I start crying and go hide in the bedroom.

The next morning I leave for work. He texts me at noon as if it’s another ordinary day.

It’s Friday now and he still hasn’t apologized.

[Anonymous]

Yikes!!

Him being drunk, then your bad mood sounds like a lethal combination to me.

When your husband is not inebriated & calm, you should bring up the situation tactfully.
Apologize to him for the complaining.

Then ask him if he has any memory of what he told you afterward.
Some drunk people do not remember (or at least claim not to!)
Then let him know how bad he made you feel + ask if you guys could discuss things.

Hopefully you two can work this hopefully (!) isolated issue out.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Life lesson: never bring up heavy, controversial life stuff while either of you have been drinking.

[Anonymous]

He told you repeatedly to leave him alone. What is your question?

[Anonymous]

You were completely in the wrong. Not only did you pick a terrible moment to raise the issue in the first place, but you completely ignored and disrespected him when he said he didn’t want to have the discussion right then. You physically followed him, harassing him and berating him because he wouldn’t do what you want per right in that moment until he finally lost his cool and yelled.

So yay, you got what you wanted. You took his fun evening and turned it into a nightmare because you were in a bad mood. To be blunt, that’s the kind of thing abusers do.

It would be nice if he apologized, but you are the one who really owes an apology here. You want to have a conversation, sure, go ahead and say you’d like to discuss it at some point, and you guys can figure out a time that works for both of you. But you don’t get to demand that it be right at that moment and then browbeat him into submission.

[Anonymous]

Serious conversations need the right time and place. Following your drink husband around while you are in a pissy mood and refusing to back off when asked is all on you. Ambushing someone is guaranteed to fail.

Instead of waiting for an apology (yours too?) Find the right time to discuss your feelings, and allow him to have his feelings too.

[Anonymous]

^^This. You made a snippy comment right off the bat to him. He then - understandably - doesn't like the comment but you characterize him as "growing cold" and snapping at you in response. I mean, how did you expect your comment to go over??

Then you compound the situation by following him around nagging him to talk to you after he repeatedly tells you to leave him alone. What did you expect would get resolved that night, especially if he was drinking?

I used to do the same - DH and I would get into an argument, he would abruptly end the conversation and stonewall, and I'd follow him around like a puppy because I needed closure. I couldn't stand the feeling of him being mad at me, especially if I felt it wasn't justified. He would tell me to leave him alone and I wouldn't. I'm the type who could argue for hours and he gets really overwhelmed and reaches a point where he can't even process it anymore. Over time, I learned that once he reached that point, it was better to address the issues at a later time, once both of us were in a better frame of mind and we were able to see things more clearly. I am still the one who has to circle back to him and raise the issue again to get a resolution, which is annoying (he'd totally let it go if it were up to him), but DH will engage in conversation with me and we will address the issue. We've discussed how, if he wants me to respect his need for space in the heat of an argument, then he needs to respect my need for resolving whatever happened.

So today, you approach your DH calmly and kindly, and say that you'd like to talk about what happened last night. You tell him the drinking bothers you (since that obviously was the source of your initial, snippy comment), and how he reacted to you. You also apologize for not respecting his need for space when he told you to leave him alone.

Don't get hung up on the fact that he hasn't approached you first. He might be embarrassed or he might not remember. What's more important: to address the issue, or for him to come to you first?

[Anonymous]

^^PP here. On further thought, if his drinking ISN"T the reason for your initial comment, then you need to figure out why you said that. You want to be in a different place in life, and he's not ready? Something else? Figure out your motivation for saying that and get to the bottom of the real issue. Otherwise this is going to keep coming up again and again.

[Anonymous]

This is a well-worn pattern in your relationship, isn’t it? As a matter of fact, i think you posted last week too, right? It sounds like you are making each other miserable. You cannot have kids with this dynamic.

Do you not see your role in this? And that you owe your DH an apology?

[Anonymous]

Why were you “taken aback” by his coldness when you approached him in a pissy manner and started up an old conversation that you knew he wouldn’t receive well? You’re playing the innocent, naive “who me?” victim. He didn’t apologize because he’s used to your tears; he’s numb. You need to acknowledge your role in this. You were not an innocent victim.

[Anonymous]

You authored the “husband says I’m a monster” thread, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You authored the “husband says I’m a monster” thread, right?

Oh, I bet you’re right.

And I bet the crux of both issues is that OP’s DH doesn’t earn as much money as op would like, and she makes sure he knows it at every turn.

[Anonymous]

Have you apologized to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On Wednesday evening my husband came home after drinking with a friend. I was in a pissy mood and made a comment about how I feel we are behind and all our friends are moving on, growing up, buying houses, having babies etc.

He grows cold and snaps at me saying he’s not dealing with this again.

I am taken aback by his sudden change of tone and tell him I’d like for him to listen to me.

He refuses and walks out of the room. I follow him in the living room and he tells me to go away. I feel confused and ask why. He says leave me alone. I say no you have to talk to me. He started yelling and screaming at me to leave him alone. I tell him to stop acting that way. I go over and touch him saying I love him and it’s ok and that he needs to calm down. He screams in my face, “ go away!!! Leave me alone!!! I want to bash my head against a wall!”

I start crying and go hide in the bedroom.

The next morning I leave for work. He texts me at noon as if it’s another ordinary day.

It’s Friday now and he still hasn’t apologized.

So you unloaded on him? What you really meant was he is behind all your friend and is not the providing you the life you want. He is a failure in live and as a man. Do you really want to be with this failure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You authored the “husband says I’m a monster” thread, right?

+1

I thought the same thing around the “taken aback” line.

In any case, OP, you picked a fight with someone who was out having fun and who you knew was drinking. Yes, you should apologize.

And learn to weigh your words and demeanour. A few episodes of Daniel Tiger May be helpful for you.

Stop, stop stop, it’s okay to feel angry. It’s not, not, not okay to hurt someone.

Count down, to calm down 5-4-3-2-1

When you feel so mad, that you want to roar, take a deep breath, and count to four.