Still not over an emotional affair from over six years ago

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. She had an emotional affair with somebody from back in high school. It lasted for maybe six or seven months. During that time, we were going through IVF. This was, of course, after I thought she had stopped the affair. I also had to have two surgeries for sperm extraction. I learned that she kept up the affair a day after the surgery.

My therapist was horrible. I wasn't able to talk about her or her AP because it made her feel bad. I was even told by the marriage therapist "your ego is just hurt and you need to discuss that with your therapist." I just fell into the worst state of depression. She finally decided to work on her marriage.

Fast forward, things, worked out and we now have a beautiful six-year old daughter. However, I still feel terrible. I feel like she's only with my out of guilt and that I shouldn't have tried so hard -like I pushed it. I lost respect for myself, still resentful and sorta regretting all of this. Like I should have just moved on, but I was scared.

Things are fine, but I can't get over it. I am also diagnosed with OCD and depression and every time that I feel low, the affair is the first thing that I think about.

God I'm pathetic.

[Anonymous]

No, you aren’t pathetic, OP, but you do need a good therapist to work this out. It’s worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.
I'm a cheater who has gone through IVF and all that goes with it. It is a stressful time. Not to excuse your wife, but if her coping skills aren't good, I can see how this would happen. Easily. She's being stuffed with hormones and drugs, she feels like a failure, everybody around her is pregnant, she's hurt and angry and crying and irrational. She doesn't want to admit all these feelings to you (because you are the one she cares most about) and there's this other person who listens to her (with unconditional lust in his eyes ... when for you and her sex is now a baby-making chore).

That's a lot to deal with. For her. She didn't deal with it well at all. And maybe she needs to go to therapy, too, but since you wrote in, you should find a new therapist.

And you know what? If you can't get over it, you can't get over it. Tell your wife what you REALLY need from her. Figure that out. If it turns out you can't get past her EA, you can't get past it. And you should separate.

But try to work it out because you have a beautiful, amazing child and it is worth learning to forgive and love yourself again to have an intact family.

(but if you can't ... that's ok)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you aren’t pathetic, OP, but you do need a good therapist to work this out. It’s worth the effort.

My therapist is great and we talk about it. I don't really bring it up often because I feel ashamed. Plus I feel like it just sucks up so much time from other things =like the OCD and depression. My life is going pretty well now. I have a great career, a house and a daughter in a great school -all of things that I never thought I would accomplish. I just feel like I should be over this by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP.
I'm a cheater who has gone through IVF and all that goes with it. It is a stressful time. Not to excuse your wife, but if her coping skills aren't good, I can see how this would happen. Easily. She's being stuffed with hormones and drugs, she feels like a failure, everybody around her is pregnant, she's hurt and angry and crying and irrational. She doesn't want to admit all these feelings to you (because you are the one she cares most about) and there's this other person who listens to her (with unconditional lust in his eyes ... when for you and her sex is now a baby-making chore).)

She said part of the reason why that she had such issues was because she didn't think I wanted to have a kid with her. I took her word with that and made it most of a thing I was trying to help her work through. I guess I approached the EA like she was ill.

I don't think that I am being rational and I am not going to upend my daughter's life for something like this. I may just be depressed now and not thinking clearly.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you get out of holding onto an emotional (not physical) affair from six years ago? You're clinging to it for some reason, what is it doing for you that you're not ready to give up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP.
I'm a cheater who has gone through IVF and all that goes with it. It is a stressful time. Not to excuse your wife, but if her coping skills aren't good, I can see how this would happen. Easily. She's being stuffed with hormones and drugs, she feels like a failure, everybody around her is pregnant, she's hurt and angry and crying and irrational. She doesn't want to admit all these feelings to you (because you are the one she cares most about) and there's this other person who listens to her (with unconditional lust in his eyes ... when for you and her sex is now a baby-making chore).)

She said part of the reason why that she had such issues was because she didn't think I wanted to have a kid with her. I took her word with that and made it most of a thing I was trying to help her work through. I guess I approached the EA like she was ill.

I don't think that I am being rational and I am not going to upend my daughter's life for something like this. I may just be depressed now and not thinking clearly.

1) did you want to have a child with her? did you want to have a child at all (regardless of the fact that you love the shit out of your daughter now) or were you just doing it for her?
3) and is this just her excuse? It sounds like an excuse. It isn't the real reason she had an EA. There's more to this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you get out of holding onto an emotional (not physical) affair from six years ago? You're clinging to it for some reason, what is it doing for you that you're not ready to give up?

I am not a forgiving person. I am never been attached to much, except for her. I just felt completely disrespected, which is also something that I really don't deal with well.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your OCD and depression are getting the best of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you get out of holding onto an emotional (not physical) affair from six years ago? You're clinging to it for some reason, what is it doing for you that you're not ready to give up?

I am not a forgiving person. I am never been attached to much, except for her. I just felt completely disrespected, which is also something that I really don't deal with well.

So work on yourself, OP. You don't have to not be a forgiving person. That's your choice. You are choosing to hang onto the anger and hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your OCD and depression are getting the best of you.

This. And that you can't cope with the OCD and the depression if you are not being honest about how much the EA is affecting you. Ruminating about things is a classic sign of OCD and depression. If you are not being honest about the fact that you are still ruminating about the affair, you may not be fully addressing the OCD. Also, interpreting things in their most negative like and thinking that that highly negative interpretation is the only way to view something is a classic part of depression. Are you seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for depression -- that person should be working with you to develop a different way to frame the EA and your recovery from it. (You are not a failure for continuing to think about it. In fact, your biology could be driving you to continue to think about it.) You need to talk about this and you may need to adjust your medications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your OCD and depression are getting the best of you.

Yeah. Probably some other things as well. I'm just going to drink some water and go to bed.

[Anonymous]

You mention that you have OCD and depression. Have you always had these problems? Not excusing what your DW did, but being with somebody who is mentally ill can be extremely lonely and often the supporting spouse’s needs aren’t met because all the focus is on the ill spouse. She may have had a difficult time coping, especially if you weren’t getting treatment. When you feel neglected and someone comes along who makes you feel special, it’s so, so hard to refuse. I’ve been there, and it’s like the world suddenly goes from black and white to full color.

Maybe if you understand why she did and extend some empathy, it’ll help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your OCD and depression are getting the best of you.

Yep, especially since you've made multiple threads about this over the years.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is an Emotional Affair....??!

And how can people be sure that no kissing was ever involved.

I don’t get it.