If you had fewer kids than you wanted...

[Anonymous]

If you got to be a parent, but ended up having fewer kids than you had hoped for whatever reason— financial constraints, infertility, other medical reasons, spouse didn’t want any more, etc.— how long did it take for you to stop thinking about it all the time/move on/focus on enjoying the kid(s) you have?

What helped?

[Anonymous]

Perspective helped.
I have 2 wonderful children who are happy and healthy.
A 3rd could have a disability, need special care, ruin the great bond my 2 already have.
Stop being selfish and wanting more and enjoy what you have.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the underlying causes of my parents' divorce. Dad always wanted more; my mom insisted they stop at two. Apparently my dad never really got over it. They divorced after 27 years of marriage. Dad went on to marry young woman and have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Would have liked a fourth. My third pregnancy was rough on my body - the delivery itself was easier than my second, but the months leading up to it were difficult. I moved on really quickly because I never wanted to feel that way again physically, and also because three kids is a handful! We focus on the blessings we have. Sometimes my husband and I make a comment at the dinner table (wouldn't it be nice to have another little one in that spare chair? kind of talk) but I think we are both pleased with how it worked out and know it's for the best.

[Anonymous]

Perspective mostly. I had primary infertility. I'm lucky to have the one I have, I'm lucky she's healthy and on track developmentally. I'm also enjoying that as she gets older the constraints on where we can take her and what we can/can't do are disappearing and think about if I had another kid I'd be starting over in the baby phase with that kid. I remember the lack of sleep in my kids first year and how hard being pregnant was and how scary the emergency delivery was. I do get twinges of sadness when a friend announces a pregnancy, but it is fleeting and the thoughts don't run my life (if that is happening to you perhaps talking to someone about it might help?). Most of my friends are approaching their 40s though and the pregnancy announcements are much less frequent, and the joys of a more independent kid are increasing all the time.

[Anonymous]

I spend some time thinking of two families I know:

Family one had two healthy kids, and then their 3rd was born with some very serious issues.

Family two had two healthy kids, and then their 3rd pregnancy was TWINS so they ended up with 4 kids.

I'm staying with 2, even if sometimes I get a pang for a 3rd. I'm almost 40 so that window will close on it's own.

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant easily with one at 35, and had an easy pregnancy/delivery. I started TTC #2 when my son was 10 months old and learned that I had mildly low ovarian reserve, but was told that I should still be able to get pregnant. I thought I could still get pregnant, did infertility treatments that all failed. It's now been 5 years of TTC #2 and I've never been pregnant a second time. In 5 years of TTC every year, 3 IUIs, and 5 IVFs I've had zero pregnancies which I just can't believe. I am now in my early 40s and we're going to stop TTC very soon and try to be happy with a very small family.

The first 3 years of my infertility were extremely hard. I was the first of my friends to start TTC #2 and now I'm the only one who still has one, the rest of my friends are on baby #3 now (all our kids are age 6). I often get asked why I still "have just the one." That is such a painful question to be asked, and it upsets me every time.

We decided not to do donor egg or adoption, due to various reasons including being financially tapped out from all the infertility treatments that were not covered by insurance.

It's hard for me to be around my friends sometimes, who all are growing their families, when I cannot. I have sought out other only child families to be friends with, which is helpful. I tried therapy, which was useless.

I am definitely not over the emotional pain of being able to grow my family, although it's easier to deal with than it was earlier in my infertility journey. Time really does heal. My family still feels incomplete. I do try to focus on all the benefits of being OAD though. I do have a lot of free time to pursue my own interests and hobbies, which is really nice.

[Anonymous]

Not long. I'm not too fussed about it, because we really don't have the money or health for another one, so... that's life. I'm grateful for what I already have!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend some time thinking of two families I know:

Family one had two healthy kids, and then their 3rd was born with some very serious issues.

Family two had two healthy kids, and then their 3rd pregnancy was TWINS so they ended up with 4 kids.

I'm staying with 2, even if sometimes I get a pang for a 3rd. I'm almost 40 so that window will close on it's own.

Those are exactly the reasons we have stuck with 2. I do wonder though...but not enough to make me go for a third. I’m 40 now too.

[Anonymous]

This is a great question...I'm a guy. We had our 1st kid (boy) when I was 35 and wife was 30. Had 2nd (boy) when I was 37 and wife was 32. I did NOT want a 3rd. I'm not even sure I wanted a 1st or a 2nd, but no regrets. My wife really wanted a 3rd. Not because she wanted a girl really bad or anything or at least she never told me that. She just wanted 3rd. We may have tried for a very little while and I was crossing my fingers that it didn't work and then I was just like No More. That was like 8 years ago. I sometimes wonder how much she still hates me over not continuing to try for #3. With that said...no regrets with not having #3. None...on my part. We have two healthy, smart kids...and I still have the energy to be involved in everything they do and we have enough money to provide for them pretty well. That 3rd would have busted everything I believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perspective mostly. I had primary infertility. I'm lucky to have the one I have, I'm lucky she's healthy and on track developmentally. I'm also enjoying that as she gets older the constraints on where we can take her and what we can/can't do are disappearing and think about if I had another kid I'd be starting over in the baby phase with that kid. I remember the lack of sleep in my kids first year and how hard being pregnant was and how scary the emergency delivery was. I do get twinges of sadness when a friend announces a pregnancy, but it is fleeting and the thoughts don't run my life (if that is happening to you perhaps talking to someone about it might help?). Most of my friends are approaching their 40s though and the pregnancy announcements are much less frequent, and the joys of a more independent kid are increasing all the time.

NP, but this describes my feelings exactly. We also had primary infertility and went through 3 years of IUI/IVF/FET to conceive DD. We've been trying for a second for the last 2.5 years with no luck (including one loss). I've begun to make peace with having an only, for all of the reasons PP mentioned. DH, on the other hand, is struggling with it and wants to keep pursuing treatment. Frankly, it's contributing to problems within our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perspective mostly. I had primary infertility. I'm lucky to have the one I have, I'm lucky she's healthy and on track developmentally. I'm also enjoying that as she gets older the constraints on where we can take her and what we can/can't do are disappearing and think about if I had another kid I'd be starting over in the baby phase with that kid. I remember the lack of sleep in my kids first year and how hard being pregnant was and how scary the emergency delivery was. I do get twinges of sadness when a friend announces a pregnancy, but it is fleeting and the thoughts don't run my life (if that is happening to you perhaps talking to someone about it might help?). Most of my friends are approaching their 40s though and the pregnancy announcements are much less frequent, and the joys of a more independent kid are increasing all the time.

NP, but this describes my feelings exactly. We also had primary infertility and went through 3 years of IUI/IVF/FET to conceive DD. We've been trying for a second for the last 2.5 years with no luck (including one loss). I've begun to make peace with having an only, for all of the reasons PP mentioned. DH, on the other hand, is struggling with it and wants to keep pursuing treatment. Frankly, it's contributing to problems within our marriage.

Another primary IF poster---we are an adoptive family. I go back and forth still. I am concerned that if the adoption does not go through, my child will be sad (even though if a family can stay together that is good for a first family). I worry about how to prepare a child for a sibling, if the sibling is not guaranteed....I know other families have dealt with this, but this is what is occupying my mind.

[Anonymous]

I think it gets easier the older your kids get. In K other families are still having babies, but that gets rarer as elementary school goes on. And the advantages of *not* having another become clearer. I have young teens and much as I love them it’s not an age where you long for a couple more of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question...I'm a guy. We had our 1st kid (boy) when I was 35 and wife was 30. Had 2nd (boy) when I was 37 and wife was 32. I did NOT want a 3rd. I'm not even sure I wanted a 1st or a 2nd, but no regrets. My wife really wanted a 3rd. Not because she wanted a girl really bad or anything or at least she never told me that. She just wanted 3rd. We may have tried for a very little while and I was crossing my fingers that it didn't work and then I was just like No More. That was like 8 years ago. I sometimes wonder how much she still hates me over not continuing to try for #3. With that said...no regrets with not having #3. None...on my part. We have two healthy, smart kids...and I still have the energy to be involved in everything they do and we have enough money to provide for them pretty well. That 3rd would have busted everything I believe.

Has this affected the quality of your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant easily with one at 35, and had an easy pregnancy/delivery. I started TTC #2 when my son was 10 months old and learned that I had mildly low ovarian reserve, but was told that I should still be able to get pregnant. I thought I could still get pregnant, did infertility treatments that all failed. It's now been 5 years of TTC #2 and I've never been pregnant a second time. In 5 years of TTC every year, 3 IUIs, and 5 IVFs I've had zero pregnancies which I just can't believe. I am now in my early 40s and we're going to stop TTC very soon and try to be happy with a very small family.

The first 3 years of my infertility were extremely hard. I was the first of my friends to start TTC #2 and now I'm the only one who still has one, the rest of my friends are on baby #3 now (all our kids are age 6). I often get asked why I still "have just the one." That is such a painful question to be asked, and it upsets me every time.

We decided not to do donor egg or adoption, due to various reasons including being financially tapped out from all the infertility treatments that were not covered by insurance.

It's hard for me to be around my friends sometimes, who all are growing their families, when I cannot. I have sought out other only child families to be friends with, which is helpful. I tried therapy, which was useless.

I am definitely not over the emotional pain of being able to grow my family, although it's easier to deal with than it was earlier in my infertility journey. Time really does heal. My family still feels incomplete. I do try to focus on all the benefits of being OAD though. I do have a lot of free time to pursue my own interests and hobbies, which is really nice.

I’m sorry, PP. This sounds really tough.