If you had fewer kids than you wanted...

[Anonymous]

I have two but considered 3. Time helped -- as they got older and were able to do more fun things like international trips, the less I wanted another. Now I don't want to go back to the baby years. There's so much freedom with older kids.

[Anonymous]

We have one. I was 42. She’s perfect. I am nearly 46 now. and still not really over having an only. But I’m also aware that we won’t be having another child. It can be done (no fertility issues), but we won’t. I’m hoping menopause will heal this some. Slowly making peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant easily with one at 35, and had an easy pregnancy/delivery. I started TTC #2 when my son was 10 months old and learned that I had mildly low ovarian reserve, but was told that I should still be able to get pregnant. I thought I could still get pregnant, did infertility treatments that all failed. It's now been 5 years of TTC #2 and I've never been pregnant a second time. In 5 years of TTC every year, 3 IUIs, and 5 IVFs I've had zero pregnancies which I just can't believe. I am now in my early 40s and we're going to stop TTC very soon and try to be happy with a very small family.

The first 3 years of my infertility were extremely hard. I was the first of my friends to start TTC #2 and now I'm the only one who still has one, the rest of my friends are on baby #3 now (all our kids are age 6). I often get asked why I still "have just the one." That is such a painful question to be asked, and it upsets me every time.

We decided not to do donor egg or adoption, due to various reasons including being financially tapped out from all the infertility treatments that were not covered by insurance.

It's hard for me to be around my friends sometimes, who all are growing their families, when I cannot. I have sought out other only child families to be friends with, which is helpful. I tried therapy, which was useless.

I am definitely not over the emotional pain of being able to grow my family, although it's easier to deal with than it was earlier in my infertility journey. Time really does heal. My family still feels incomplete. I do try to focus on all the benefits of being OAD though. I do have a lot of free time to pursue my own interests and hobbies, which is really nice.

I’m sorry, PP. This sounds really tough.

Yes, it is. Especially since I got pregnant on the first try the first time around, and was completely blindsided by secondary infertility. I never expected to have any difficulty given how easy things were the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perspective mostly. I had primary infertility. I'm lucky to have the one I have, I'm lucky she's healthy and on track developmentally. I'm also enjoying that as she gets older the constraints on where we can take her and what we can/can't do are disappearing and think about if I had another kid I'd be starting over in the baby phase with that kid. I remember the lack of sleep in my kids first year and how hard being pregnant was and how scary the emergency delivery was. I do get twinges of sadness when a friend announces a pregnancy, but it is fleeting and the thoughts don't run my life (if that is happening to you perhaps talking to someone about it might help?). Most of my friends are approaching their 40s though and the pregnancy announcements are much less frequent, and the joys of a more independent kid are increasing all the time.

NP, but this describes my feelings exactly. We also had primary infertility and went through 3 years of IUI/IVF/FET to conceive DD. We've been trying for a second for the last 2.5 years with no luck (including one loss). I've begun to make peace with having an only, for all of the reasons PP mentioned. DH, on the other hand, is struggling with it and wants to keep pursuing treatment. Frankly, it's contributing to problems within our marriage.

this is me as well. Turned 40 last month, DD is now 2.5 and it took 3 years and 4 IVF cycles to have her. We were able to bank about 10 embryos after she was born (change in job ended up getting us free ivf) so we got complacent it would just happen. Well that job went away and none of our embryos took. We made a lot of parent friends with our move to the burbs 2 years ago and now they are all starting to have #2's. It's hard. I thought I was over it but I am upset when I hear so and so is pregnant.
I do try and think about how hard the first 18 months are (or were for us) and if my marriage could withstand it and finances of course but as my DD gets older and I do the math of the age gap in my head I get sad. Also because we both have extremely small families I worry about her being literally alone one day.
So yeah, no help really just know you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

I have one and we are done and I am only 34.

I wanted two because I thought every kid needed a sibling.

I realized that motherhood and children does not come easily to me. I took a while to bond with my baby. I am still, years later, shocked I am a mother. I don't love love the day to day.

I do not want another, but I do get sad that I am not a different person who thrives in this chaos and loves kids. Bc I see that and I am envious of those people. And I hope that having happy and fully engaged parents outweighs the potential sadness of not having siblings. Bc we have reached our bandwidth with one and I don't want to have kids who I yell at or feel drowned by. So I mourn and get sad over the type of person I wish I was, but I am proud I can own my limits and make decisions based on that, instead of going for more kids bc it's "what you do".

[Anonymous]

Gratitude and mindfulness, bring myself back to the moment. I'm a lifelong ruminator and realized that dwelling on the big family I thought I'd have was unproductive and was keeping me from moving forward with other things. I'm not saying I don't have sadness or feelings of regret, but I don't let those feelings spin out stories in my head anymore. I try to apply this to lots of things in my life that didn't have the expected outcome. Even with my regrets and personal tragedies I'm still very fortunate and would hate if sadness over not having more kids took time away from the family and friends that are here now.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both wonder. We started late (I was 37 for our first) and we have a second - and now that I'm 46, we pretty much let the door shut on the issue, but we've both wondered about adopting - separability and then talked about it. Maybe we'll foster at some point when our bio kids are a bit older and our lives are slightly more settled. We can't let things get too boring Point is, still not feeling fully complete, so we're mulling over different ways to get there.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are obsessing over anything constantly to the point it's distracting then a little counseling to talk through it can help. It sounds like you probably understand and accept the actual reason you are not having another, but you can't get past it emotionally. This is one of the primary ways counseling can be helpful, helping people align their emotional worldview with their rational one.

PPs are giving you insight into what helped them, but it's highly likely that it's because those things spoke to the underlying feelings that were making it hard to get over not having the size of family that they wanted. They may or may not help you. I feel like people often post about family size disappointment as if it were a uniquely difficult challenge to overcome. It doesn't have to be...

[Anonymous]

I have an only, not by choice. It will always bother me, as I feel he really missed out on some childhood experiences without having a sibling. To mitigate the issue, we moved to the same town as cousins and the kids spend a lot of time together. Unfortunately, ds is the last of the grandkids, so he won’t remember most of their time hanging out before the older kids move teenagehood. It is the best we could offer, so it will have to do.

[Anonymous]

I think when you're blindsided by infertility, it stings longer.

Also one and done due to secondary infertility, and most of the time, I embrace our circumstances. I'd rather have my DD than multiple other kids.

[Anonymous]

I think of the college savings. We'll be able to get 2 through college. If we had a 3rd...not so sure.

[Anonymous]

I have 3, wanted 4.

My youngest is turning 7 (I started really wanting another one around the time she was 2-3’ and I still think about it.

What helps: being able to take fun adventurous vacations that she can keep up on. In the next 12 months we’re going to Banff, Belize, Turks and Caicos, and Scotland. Some of those we could bring a baby on but it would be tough and some we couldn’t (Belize).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3, wanted 4.

My youngest is turning 7 (I started really wanting another one around the time she was 2-3’ and I still think about it.

What helps: being able to take fun adventurous vacations that she can keep up on. In the next 12 months we’re going to Banff, Belize, Turks and Caicos, and Scotland. Some of those we could bring a baby on but it would be tough and some we couldn’t (Belize).

Humble brag much???!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3, wanted 4.

My youngest is turning 7 (I started really wanting another one around the time she was 2-3’ and I still think about it.

What helps: being able to take fun adventurous vacations that she can keep up on. In the next 12 months we’re going to Banff, Belize, Turks and Caicos, and Scotland. Some of those we could bring a baby on but it would be tough and some we couldn’t (Belize).

Humble brag much???!!!

I know, I was thinking that too. 4 overseas vacations in 12 months?! And just where the hell is Banff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3, wanted 4.

My youngest is turning 7 (I started really wanting another one around the time she was 2-3’ and I still think about it.

What helps: being able to take fun adventurous vacations that she can keep up on. In the next 12 months we’re going to Banff, Belize, Turks and Caicos, and Scotland. Some of those we could bring a baby on but it would be tough and some we couldn’t (Belize).

Humble brag much???!!!

I know, I was thinking that too. 4 overseas vacations in 12 months?! And just where the hell is Banff?

DP. Canadian Rockies. I went in college and it's gorgeous (I mean, I camped out and didn't stay at the Chateau Lake Louise).