Embarrassed at school function re my partier teen

[Anonymous]

Not really sure how to say this, but I realize lately I am avoiding things at school and socializing as my son has become a pretty known partier (weed) and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s also not the nicest kid around. Before you accuse me, know he is in therapy and we do have rules and consequences. We are really very normal, involved, kind , parents and we have two other teens that are doing great. I guess itadvice howto deal with thisand a reminder that not all kids that appear “messed up” have messed up parents or family life.

[Anonymous]

Are you looking for advice on how to help your child more or how to deal with embarrassment (your word)?

If it's the latter, I think you need to put that out of your mind so that your actions prioritize what's best for your son.

Maybe some family therapy to help with communication?

[Anonymous]

You sound like you love your son very much and are dedicated to helping him, as is your job as parent. But, just remember that you are not him. His actions aren't your actions. You are trying to guide him through life but he is an individual and can freely make bad choices. Your role is to support him in making better choices and having him live up to his responsibility, including rectification if needed. But don't be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as though you are embarrassed and feel judged by the other parents. The thing is, if their kids are hanging out with your kid then they are probably dealing with similar issues in their own house.

It might be tempting to bury your head in the sand and tune them all out but it would probably be better to keep on attending events at school and socializing. People will be more likely to come to you with things they've seen/heard that you should know about. It will also be a good message to send to your son that you do care and you are involved.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has some kind of an issue going on. I wouldn’t be judging you at all.

[Anonymous]

So I think I may know you or know someone who has the same kid/family.

1.) therapy is great
2.) rules and consequences don't really work if you don't apply them -- since we are parents too we know how hard teens can be
3.) deep down your family is really messed up and that is ok because there are tons of messed up families BUT the first step in recovery is acknowledging there is a problem. You are still in denial

Your other children are being damaged too. JFYI.

[Anonymous]

Admit it OP. You used to judge parents of other kids who were in the party crowd.

You’re embarrassed because you know what you said to your friends about “those” kids’ families. And now you’re one of them.

Go to the events. Reach out to other party kids parents. Apologize and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I think I may know you or know someone who has the same kid/family.

1.) therapy is great
2.) rules and consequences don't really work if you don't apply them -- since we are parents too we know how hard teens can be
3.) deep down your family is really messed up and that is ok because there are tons of messed up families BUT the first step in recovery is acknowledging there is a problem. You are still in denial

Your other children are being damaged too. JFYI.

Agree. Plus, most families are “messed up”.
Some just hide it better than others.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you should be embarrassed. I would be embarrassed if my kid turned out to be a failure in life. I would be partly to blame.

[Anonymous]

OP, Ignore the mean replies above. I feel for you. DD went through a period in middle school where she did some things that resulted in calls from other parents (not partying but some impulsive acts like stealing and lying). We had her in therapy and definitely were on top of things. As a former goody two-shoes and former mental health professional I was aghast. I felt uncomfortable knowing other parents were judging so I did pull away from a lot of friends and found myself avoiding certain social situations. It was very isolating. A few years later she is in a much different place. She is a happy, pleasant teen who has worked through her issues and receives lots of praise from adults at school and friends’ parents. And now some of the kids of the judgy parents are struggling with various issues. Most of the parents have no clue because a lot happens behind their backs. It is a positive that you know and are dealing with the situation. I now make it a point to be less judgy and more accepting of other people’s teens as a result of that experience. The important thing is you are trying to help your teen. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Your kid is a drug addict and needs professional help. This is why you cannot be ok with kids starting that young and paying for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Ignore the mean replies above. I feel for you. DD went through a period in middle school where she did some things that resulted in calls from other parents (not partying but some impulsive acts like stealing and lying). We had her in therapy and definitely were on top of things. As a former goody two-shoes and former mental health professional I was aghast. I felt uncomfortable knowing other parents were judging so I did pull away from a lot of friends and found myself avoiding certain social situations. It was very isolating. A few years later she is in a much different place. She is a happy, pleasant teen who has worked through her issues and receives lots of praise from adults at school and friends’ parents. And now some of the kids of the judgy parents are struggling with various issues. Most of the parents have no clue because a lot happens behind their backs. It is a positive that you know and are dealing with the situation. I now make it a point to be less judgy and more accepting of other people’s teens as a result of that experience. The important thing is you are trying to help your teen. Hang in there!

And, some parents do have a clue and pay attention to what their kids are doing and supervising them. You clearly weren't supervising and didn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you should be embarrassed. I would be embarrassed if my kid turned out to be a failure in life. I would be partly to blame.

Why do people who don’t have kids respond to posts regarding parenting?

[Anonymous]

Scorn and mockery are effective tools for drug users and smokers. Condescension works, too.

[Anonymous]

We try hard not to judge. Self- medication is often used to treat anxiety among teens. And that is such a tough challenge. We have faced it in elementary school and have been judged harshly by others ourselves. We try to remember that we are doing the best we can right now and everyone will struggle sometime.

But if you share that only your son is in therapy I feel sorry for you that you are likely in denial of the role your family system has in this situation. You are sending the message to him that he is the broken one.