Embarrassed at school function re my partier teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We parents of children with special needs have always felt this way, OP.

We are judged and blamed, because of course other parents would never have let it come to this. They would have magically treated the disorder. We have to be lacking in some way. We don't give enough meds, or too many, or not the right ones. We should get this and that therapist and work intensively with them, but also chill out because we're stressing our kid with all this useless expensive work.

Yep. You grow a thick skin.

There is a huge difference in a child with SN where the parent is getting therapies and help, even if its not working and a child who doesn't have SN and is a drug addict and the parents know and are not trying to stop it or get their cild help.

Even the best intentions of families of drug addicts,desperate to get their children help, have no power over addiction. Perhaps you've heard of Al-Anon? Try a meeting. We didn't create the addiction. We can't cure the addiction. We can't control the addiction.

Your arbitrary distinction between "good" and "bad" parenting of addicted kids has absolutely zero to do with a kid's recovery.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the advice to go to the things you need to (so not everything) and hold your head high, even though it really sucks right now.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I am the parent of a teen, and know a couple of families with teens who are really going off the rails. One family is truly doing all they can, and have always been consistent with rules and consequences. But the family has experienced trauma, and a couple of their kids have not dealt with it well. But the parents are as firm and consistent as they have always been, and do not shield their kids from external consequences of their bad choices.
Another family, I could have predicted their current problems years ago. You can't not parent your kid for the first 14 years, let him do whatever he wants with no consequences, not create any internal values structure, and then expect sympathy when he runs wild.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I can totally relate. My DD has done some things that are embarrassing to me. I'm seeing a therapist to discuss it and it's helping a little. I am trying to be positive to people in our circle but am stepping back a bit on how much I see them. You sound like a nice and kind person and please ignore the mean posts here- it doesn't matter what you do/say- there is a group of posters that will always blame you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. The reason MY teen is the only one in the family in therapy is because our family truly has no money for the rest of us. Mental health issues are seriously expensive at least with our coverage. I cannot wait to do therapy, seriously. I need it. We're going into debt dealing with the person most on fire. That's all we got.

NP.

Here is a FREE or ALMOST FREE resource for you: Catholic Charities. You do not need to be Catholic. They have LCSW and therapists on staff to help families. Where do you live? I will post links for your jurisdiction. You will be asked financial information to help determine if you can pay even a little bit to off-set costs.

Additionally, you can attend meetings like Al-anon or Narcotics Anonymous. Those are FREE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

+1 This stood out for me also. OP's posts have come off to me as extremely blasé and accommodating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

I think it's actually an important piece of information. Is OPs son using daily or is his use all about being high at parties and socially. There could be different drivers in different situations.

Mine aren't quite there yet. But I do kind of wonder HOW you can force a kid to stop a behavior. It sounds like it would be harder to do than it sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

I think it's actually an important piece of information. Is OPs son using daily or is his use all about being high at parties and socially. There could be different drivers in different situations.

Mine aren't quite there yet. But I do kind of wonder HOW you can force a kid to stop a behavior. It sounds like it would be harder to do than it sounds.

It is harder than you would think. You can deprive kids of opportunities - for example by eliminating sources of money and taking away the car. But you cant totally eliminate access. Kids go to school. They have friends. They can steal money. They can run away. Also some kids have mental health issues and use drugs and alcohol to self medicate.

OP, Ive just gotten used to the stares. I don’t go to things I don’t have to but I’m not embarrassed. I got over that long ago because of having to talk about it with schools and professionals. I cannot control his actions and I am giving him everything I can to get him through this time period. That’s really all I can do. If I were burying my head in the sand, that would be a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

I think it's actually an important piece of information. Is OPs son using daily or is his use all about being high at parties and socially. There could be different drivers in different situations.

Mine aren't quite there yet. But I do kind of wonder HOW you can force a kid to stop a behavior. It sounds like it would be harder to do than it sounds.

He’s not only using, he’s dealing and apparently he has a bad reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

I think it's actually an important piece of information. Is OPs son using daily or is his use all about being high at parties and socially. There could be different drivers in different situations.

Mine aren't quite there yet. But I do kind of wonder HOW you can force a kid to stop a behavior. It sounds like it would be harder to do than it sounds.

He’s not only using, he’s dealing and apparently he has a bad reputation.

Where does she say he’s dealing?

[Anonymous]

Private or public school?

[Anonymous]

For every parent you think is judging you, there is another who is longing to catch you in a corner or a side hallway and have a chat starting with "I've been through this too".

If you isolate yourself, you're not going to get the support you really need to get through this. There are other families who share your story and have been there, done that. They'll find you, but only if you are available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For every parent you think is judging you, there is another who is longing to catch you in a corner or a side hallway and have a chat starting with "I've been through this too".

If you isolate yourself, you're not going to get the support you really need to get through this. There are other families who share your story and have been there, done that. They'll find you, but only if you are available.

Thank you. Appreciate what you’re saying. To others, we’ve had and have consequences, we do monitor things, we do not approve at all, and he’s not dealing. He’s a sophomore and I’m certain this all started just a year ago so hopefully we can get a handle on it. I’ll also note, I spent this weekend talking with other parents and the marijuana use in this demographic is really high. Not excusing it, just saying there likely are parents out there that have no idea their kid is smoking. In our school it ranges from the artsy kids to the varsity athletes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

I think it's actually an important piece of information. Is OPs son using daily or is his use all about being high at parties and socially. There could be different drivers in different situations.

Mine aren't quite there yet. But I do kind of wonder HOW you can force a kid to stop a behavior. It sounds like it would be harder to do than it sounds.

He’s not only using, he’s dealing and apparently he has a bad reputation.

Ok but the question still remains. Does escalation always work? Can it make it worse? My hats off to those doing their best during this. Also the only piece that is totally irrelevant is the reputation part. It's worth absolutely nothing in a few short years. One's HS reputation isn't something anyone after HS would even know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might get less judgement from other parents if you stopped dismissing teen drug use as “partying”.

I think it's actually an important piece of information. Is OPs son using daily or is his use all about being high at parties and socially. There could be different drivers in different situations.

Mine aren't quite there yet. But I do kind of wonder HOW you can force a kid to stop a behavior. It sounds like it would be harder to do than it sounds.

He’s not only using, he’s dealing and apparently he has a bad reputation.

Ok but the question still remains. Does escalation always work? Can it make it worse? My hats off to those doing their best during this. Also the only piece that is totally irrelevant is the reputation part. It's worth absolutely nothing in a few short years. One's HS reputation isn't something anyone after HS would even know about.

DP. This is true but also remember that some activities can bring about consequences (criminal charges, civil charges, suspension from school, expulsion from school) that definitely will impact life after high school graduation. That is no joking matter.