Feel like I can't compare to his ex

[Anonymous]

My partners ex wife died a year and a half ago. She was extremely well loved and popular as they were as a couple.
Problem is, I feel I just don't measure up and am finding it hard to stop the insecurities.
His ex wife's profile on Facebook is still up and there are hundreds of photos of them from when they were together. Hundreds of people responded saying how they are true soul mates and the perfect couple. All his friends and family adored her and although they are nice to me and my partner is wonderful, I just worry I am a second best.
Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It’s understandable that you feel this way, but if you’re unable to overcome it and move forward then this isn’t the relationship for you. She’ll always be a part of him, and he’ll always love her and that something that will exist side-by-side with your relationship. That’s why widows and widowers often find each other and marry — they “get it” in away divorcees and single people might not.

That being said, men who had happy marriages are more likely to want to get married again, and many do, and go on to be happy. There’s no reason to think this won’t work out, but it sounds like the obstacle is you, and your insecurity. You can’t put that on him or ask him to talk about her less, put away her pictures/FB, etc...you have to work it out on your own or make the decision that you can’t be with a widower.

How long were they married? Did they have children? That makes a difference, too.

[Anonymous]

^^ sorry for typos.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been dating? 1.5 years seems very soon for him to enter a serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

We have been dating eight months.
His ex was into the music scene so there are a lot of rememberance events in her honor.
Everyone says I am a lot like his ex and it's uncanny but I can only be me. They all adored her and it's hard seeing all the Facebook pictures. Will I ever match up?

[Anonymous]

If you’ve been dating 8 months this is a rebound relationship for him. Nothing wrong with that, he has to start somewhere.

I suggest you get off of Facebook.

[Anonymous]

You are referring to her as his ex. So, were they divorced or separated prior to her death?

[Anonymous]

Why do you care? She's not here. You are not competing with her. You can only be you. He chose you and continues to be with you because of who YOU are. Stop trying to be her and stop competing against her. Jealousy/insecurity will drive him away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been dating 8 months this is a rebound relationship for him. Nothing wrong with that, he has to start somewhere.

I suggest you get off of Facebook.

This.
Probably excellent advice for many other “personal issues” as well.

[Anonymous]

These are normal feelings to have but are manifestations of your insecurity. You’ve been with him for 8 months. You can’t have the history and intimacy he had with his deceased wife, and perhaps you are feeling pressure from his friends/family that they wish you were her. You can only be unapologetically you, and see where this goes. If you develop a lasting intimate relationship with him, then he will understand you are a different person - you and not her - and you will understand what she meant to him and what her memory means to him now. It sounds like the people in his life are still feeling relatively fresh about the loss, but that won’t be forever. They will get to know you and eventually stop thinking of you in comparison to her. You can lead the way by pushing yourself out of this “comparison” mentality.

[Anonymous]

To clarify she died in November 2016 and we got together in July 2018.
She wasn't his ex, just wrote that so it wouldn't be confusing.
They were incredibly happy for six years.

[Anonymous]

Get over your insecurities and just move forward. His friends seem very happy for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, comparison is the thief of joy.

Get off her page, or off of Facebook in general, as it seems your ruminating abiut something out of your control.

Not to be MACABRE, but she’s dead. You’re really going to compete with a woman who is dead?

So, you can either sit and fret that you’ll never be as good as someone who is gone, or trust that your amazing partner has a high bar, considering he and this woman spent years together. He’s now choosing YOU, which means you’re probably pretty awesome in your own right.

Your Choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify she died in November 2016 and we got together in July 2018.
She wasn't his ex, just wrote that so it wouldn't be confusing.
They were incredibly happy for six years.

You said she died a year and a half ago, November 2016 is more than that.

[Anonymous]

You are too insecure to be in this situation. Break it off.