Feel like I can't compare to his ex

[Anonymous]

November 2016 is two and a half years ago. Your numbers don't add up.

[Anonymous]

The problem is you, and I say that as a widow. Some widows are able to move on quickly and some take years. Your bf knows his wife is gone and isn’t coming back. He’s chosen to try to be happy and build a new life with you.

Widowers can love more than one person much like you can love more than one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:November 2016 is two and a half years ago. Your numbers don't add up.

So what? I don't think it really matters. People grieve on different timelines.

It would be a valid fear if he were making you feel this way but if it's just you, you can work on it. Like others said, stay away from wallowing in comparisons. It may be that you can't and that's perfectly understandable, we're all not secure enough to handle it. When I was younger, this would have been really difficult for me. Now that I'm older my perspective has changed and I can see the value in him having a great past track record albeit with an unhappy ending. His wife probably helped influence the person he is now, and you can turn your jealousy into gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is you, and I say that as a widow. Some widows are able to move on quickly and some take years. Your bf knows his wife is gone and isn’t coming back. He’s chosen to try to be happy and build a new life with you.

Widowers can love more than one person much like you can love more than one child.

True, to this widower.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread a few months ago about a woman dating a widower with three kids. Is that you OP?

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend has a late wife, op, not an ex. This makes me wonder if there is something wrong with you given that you know the proper term but choose not to use it, ostensibly since you think the correct term would "confuse" people. That's just odd, and is why I'm not on your side here, even though I'd like to be. Assumming that you aren't crazy, here is what I think. I'd suggest you talk to a grief councelor, ideally someone trained to talk with people who have lost a spouse. If it were me, I'd find someone with religious training that is in line with my religious beliefs, and if your beliefs are different from your partner's, one trained in his beliefs too. That may help you gain some perspective. I'd also urge that your partner write and speak of you in only loving terms. How he treats you and speaks of you has a lot to do with how his friends treat you. He needs to be aware of this and conduct himself accordingly. Finally, you can decide that this relationship isn't right for you. There is nothing wrong with that decision, and there is nothing wrong with telling him that the outpouring of love for his late wife coupled with the lack of outpouring of love for you is not something you are prepared to deal with. I am also curious about what prompts these outpourings, I have a friend who lost his wife a few years back, and I wouldn't post on her timeline partly because I don't do things like that, and also because he is with another woman who also deserves love, respect and kindness. I think that you and your partner could both be more sensitive to each other .

[Anonymous]

You are a rebound and terribly insecure. You probably don't compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify she died in November 2016 and we got together in July 2018.
She wasn't his ex, just wrote that so it wouldn't be confusing.
They were incredibly happy for six years.

You said she died a year and a half ago, November 2016 is more than that.

Were they together when she died? Why use ex-wife if not? Otherwise, she's his dead wife.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses.
They were together when she died. It was November 2016 and we got together in July 2018 which is around a year and a half.
Without outing myself she was well known on the music scene and was very well loved. That's why now lots of events are held in her honor. It's hard to deal with at times, feels like I have a lot to compete with.

[Anonymous]

Op, you don’t have to be a star to be loved. If you two are otherwise happy together, make an effort to quench your insecurities and focus on the future while being respectful of the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify she died in November 2016 and we got together in July 2018.
She wasn't his ex, just wrote that so it wouldn't be confusing.
They were incredibly happy for six years.

The term you are looking for is his "late wife." Please don't call her his "ex"!! Also, even though she didn't die that long ago, he may have begun mourning earlier if she was sick for a few years, in which case he could be ready to move on. This is common, especially with me. Emily Yoffe from Slate.com has some interesting writing about honoring the memory of a late wife when you marry a widower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify she died in November 2016 and we got together in July 2018.
She wasn't his ex, just wrote that so it wouldn't be confusing.
They were incredibly happy for six years.

The term you are looking for is his "late wife." Please don't call her his "ex"!! Also, even though she didn't die that long ago, he may have begun mourning earlier if she was sick for a few years, in which case he could be ready to move on. This is common, especially with me. Emily Yoffe from Slate.com has some interesting writing about honoring the memory of a late wife when you marry a widower.

PP here- "common with meN."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been dating? 1.5 years seems very soon for him to enter a serious relationship.

It’s normal for a man, especially one who was happily married.

[Anonymous]

You’re not ready for this relationship.

[Anonymous]

I get it but

alive > dead

So don't worry about her.