When I am pissed at DH...
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Anonymous
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I don’t tell him, but I most certainly show him. I’m super friendly to other men in front of him, and cold as ice to him. For example- friendly to guy walking his dog by the house, friendly to checkout guy at Whole Foods, chit chat with another dad at soccer practice, etc. I don’t let DH touch me and I don’t answer his questions. I can’t help it it’s just what I do. How do I change? I don’t want to be a passive aggressive jerk but sometimes he hurts my feelings so much I can’t speak. I can only do mean things to him such as decline to communicate or be warm. Why, what is wrong with me???
Help me not sabotage my new marriage. |
Anonymous
Omg I do this too. I want to show him how much he hurt me. Am I emotionally abusive? |
Anonymous
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That's immature behavior and almost sounds like flirting.
Wait till you cool off and address whatever it is that made you mad. Don't do silly paybacks. |
Anonymous
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WTH?
Go off by yourself for a few minutes to yell into a pillow or something, and come back when you can have a conversation with a lot of emotion removed ...like an adult. "When you did x, it made my feel y. I don't like feeling that way, so how can we avoid falling into these situations?" |
Anonymous
| Me too. It's not cool |
Anonymous
| Can't help it? Bull. You know what you're doing is the wrong way to go about it, so stop. Tell him what's bothering you and don't be passive aggressive about it. (This means you'll have to be honest with yourself about what's upsetting you and why -- that's often the hardest part.) |
Anonymous
| Case Study #13,412,892 in the "why men should never, never, never get married" series... |
Anonymous
If this is the case, and you don't think you're being overly sensitive, then counseling might be in order. Otherwise, are you very sensitive and conflict avoidant in general, or just with DH? Would you rather die than confront someone over what they said or did? Did you grow up in a home where you weren't allowed to express your feelings, or when doing so you were belittled or harshly punished? Does DH not fight "fair"? Regardless, you need to learn how to express your bad feelings productively. Otherwise, yeah, this is a recipe for a disastrous marriage. Going silent is one thing, but being retaliatory by feigning interest in other men is only going to inflame things. |
Anonymous
| I do this, too. Happily married for 7 years! Actually, I make it clear through a look etc that he did something wrong, then I do silent treatment for as long as it’s still entertaining for me, then usually when we’re in bed we talk about it. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Honestly, this is immaturity. Any time someone is being passive-aggressive it's a sign of immaturity.
When DH and I first moved in together I didn't know how to argue. I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted from him. I didn't know how to say "You hurt my feelings, and even though I know it was unintentional I'm irrationally angry at you." What helped was a few months of couples counseling. The therapist helped me see that it's okay to be REALLY honest sometimes. You can skip saying the mean things about someone else, but say the honest things about yourself. "I feel insecure when you wink at the receptionists and hostesses. Would you please not do that in front of me?" The therapy taught us how to communicate in productive ways. It taught me how to process my anger, how to let go of anger, how when DH and I disagree I can think "While I disagree with DH, this is clearly MUCH more important to him than it is to me, so I'll give him this one." |
Anonymous
| PP. Forgot to say: with time, he’ll learn how to not make you mad/how to apologize quickly and effectively, so you won’t have to do your silent treatment for as long. |
Anonymous
And not long after you reach that magic point of his total, abject submission, you'll become utterly bored with him, and cheat on him or divorce him. |
Anonymous
+1 to all this. OP, the way you are behaving is very very likely to permanently damage your marriage. At the very least, your husband will have an ingrained distrust of every conversation you have with other men, no matter how mundane. You can realistically expect to be accused of cheating on him or at least flirting with other men to punish him, which is essentially what you are doing. Being passive aggressive is immature. You need to get better at talking about your feelings. If, in the moment, you are too upset to talk about the issue, verbalize that. Say, "DH, I'm really upset about this and I need some space. I would like to sit down and talk about this later when I've calmed down." Then later, you need to sit down and talk about what happened and how it hurt you. You CAN help it, but it will be discomforting for you and that's probably why you've avoided it thus far. |
Anonymous
| I am always honest with my DH, if he hurts my feelings, he hears about it. How does your DH hurt your feelings? And not know about it? |