If there was never a "spark," can a successful, long-term relationship still be possible?

[Anonymous]

I'd love some insight...

I'm a guy in my mid-30s and I've been dating a late 20s girl for almost a year. Early on, I wasn't that interested in her. Her looks didn't particularly excite me and didn't have the spark/butterflies. But, we had very similar interests and values and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. She has made it incredibly easy to spend time with her, because she has been so caring, accommodating, and giving. And the sex is actually really good. So, I've grown to like her more. Also worth noting, my family doesn't particularly care for her, as they've liked other exes more in the past - which hasn't made it easy.

I just don't know if this is "the one." I have chased more attractive girls and put them on the pedestal. That never worked out, and frankly, it was pretty exhausting. I felt I made all the effort and they didn't reciprocate back, or to a lesser extent. Fast forward, I sort of feel like the exact opposite is happening in my current relationship. She seems to be more on that pedestal: she is the one putting in much more effort. While it's nice, the power dynamic seems a little off. I truly care about her, but I just never had that innate attraction/connection. I know that may or may not exist in a relationship (and could be confused with lust), but I have had that feeling before (which didn't work out on the other end), and it's pretty amazing.

Am I chasing an unattainable unicorn and stupid for possibly ending things with a person who cares about me and loves me immensely? I worry that I just can never get there to match her feelings for me. I do really care about her - I love her, but not sure I'm "in love." I do want a marriage and family, but worried that this may not be the one. I just never had and still don't have that spark. I'm really confused here, and would be interested in getting some thoughts. Is the spark really necessary?

[Anonymous]

I think that if your goal is marriage and a family and you've been dating for a year and aren't sure whether she is what you want, plus your family doesn't like her, I would recommend that you end the relationship. You may never find someone that you feel that way about, but if you do find that person after you've already married this woman, it will be heartbreaking for her.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need a spark, but you do need something magnetic to keep the relationship together. You also need equality in commitment and attachment, which it doesn't sound like you have. At the same time, I think it's really healthy that you recognize the good qualities in the relationship and gave it a chance. Because at the end of the day, what's worse than NO spark is lots of spark, followed by incompatible values and a horrible long-term relationship.

I guess in the end it's a bit of a paradox -- you do need spark or some sort to establish a relationship, but spark alone is not sufficient.

I'm sorry to say I think you've given this one enough time. By a year in, you should know if you love her, not just "like" her.

[Anonymous]

Can you live without her?

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't force yourself to love someone. It's been a year you know by now. She might be a great person, but she's not right for you. End it.

[Anonymous]

So you like this woman because you don't have to put as much effort into the relationship and she is eager to please you.

Right off the bat, it doesn't sound promising. Now fast forward five or ten years. You have gotten even more lazy - because men naturally kick back and stop trying hard once a woman moves in or marries them ("game over, I won, now I can relax") - but now she has stopped being eager to please you - because women naturally are less eager to please (sexually and in most other ways) once a man has committed to them.

Does that seem like a good situation?

[Anonymous]

Respect is more important than love long term

[Anonymous]

So, I think you can have a successful marriage, but it is going to be difficult. I'm like you. My now husband pursued me. He did everything to please me. It was easy to be going out and being together. Sex was good enough. But no spark. Got married, had kids, good life. And when I think of it as MY LIFE IS FINE. It is fine. Totally nothng wrong with it.

Fast forward .... and I regret not waiting for somebody with whom I have a spark. I do. I love my kids. I think I even love my husband. But I do feel as though I could live without him fairly easily. He makes my life easier (he can reach those hard to reach items in the kitchen. he cleans out the drains. he's a good coparent most of the time, etc. But couldn't a butler & a handyman do all those things?).

You know it isn't the right fit. It isn't the right fit. You should be crazy about her and eager to please her. And vice versa. It is so hard to feel you don't really care about your spouse. Because you'll get there. And you may fall for somebody else. But it will be much much messier after a few years of marriage and a couple of kids.

Do yourself a favor and find somebody you respect and are attracted to and love wholeheartedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fast forward .... and I regret not waiting for somebody with whom I have a spark..

If it's any consolation, the "spark" and the "I'm crazy about them" phase eventually goes away, and you'd be in the same "meh, my life is fine but I could live without him" place anyway.

[Anonymous]

I knew my DW for a few years before we ever dated and we were good friends but that was about it. She was pretty, but not gorgeous, and we didn’t have a lot in common except for our educations and careers. So there certainly wasn’t a spark. But she was incredibly nice and sweet and off the charts smart and at a certain point we were both “single” and lo and behold we got together. I had had GF’s that I was more head over heels about initially but this girl really grew on me. All of my friends and family adored her which really helped. We’ve been married over 30 years and I’m still crazy about her. She’s been the most amazing mother and partner and her devotion to helping others is nothing short of inspiring. And, she looks about ten years younger than she is and she would definitely put my old GF’s to shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fast forward .... and I regret not waiting for somebody with whom I have a spark..

If it's any consolation, the "spark" and the "I'm crazy about them" phase eventually goes away, and you'd be in the same "meh, my life is fine but I could live without him" place anyway.

Except the memories of the initial spark and the sex haze phase of the relationship do provide glue to the relationship and offer some comfort later on once they've faded. I can't imagine being with someone LT I hadn't shared that with.

[Anonymous]

No. Look at all the sad sacks around here who settled.

I didn’t have a spark with my ex husband but he was a great guy. Good on paper. Great job, funny, everyone liked him, handy, kind.

After like 4 years of marriage I would lay awake, not wanting to have sex with him, thinking, “50 more years of this?” I wasn’t repulsed by him, but spark and attraction are a key ingredient of a romantic relationship and marriage. I mean, otherwise we would just marry our best friends.

We divorced. I remarried a guy I had a genuine spark with. He’s not perfect but I honestly do feel lucky every day to have him. The feeling should never go away. You can find it but you can’t settle. Don’t listen to everyone saying it dies out anyway; that’s not necessarily true. It’s only true if you settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Look at all the sad sacks around here who settled.

I didn’t have a spark with my ex husband but he was a great guy. Good on paper. Great job, funny, everyone liked him, handy, kind.

After like 4 years of marriage I would lay awake, not wanting to have sex with him, thinking, “50 more years of this?” I wasn’t repulsed by him, but spark and attraction are a key ingredient of a romantic relationship and marriage. I mean, otherwise we would just marry our best friends.

We divorced. I remarried a guy I had a genuine spark with. He’s not perfect but I honestly do feel lucky every day to have him. The feeling should never go away. You can find it but you can’t settle. Don’t listen to everyone saying it dies out anyway; that’s not necessarily true. It’s only true if you settled.

And, uh, how long you been married to #2? Has it been 4 years yet?

Hint: "the feeling" will go away. It's only a matter of time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fast forward .... and I regret not waiting for somebody with whom I have a spark..

If it's any consolation, the "spark" and the "I'm crazy about them" phase eventually goes away, and you'd be in the same "meh, my life is fine but I could live without him" place anyway.

Except the memories of the initial spark and the sex haze phase of the relationship do provide glue to the relationship and offer some comfort later on once they've faded. I can't imagine being with someone LT I hadn't shared that with.

The divorce rate suggests that "glue" isn't very strong...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I think you can have a successful marriage, but it is going to be difficult. I'm like you. My now husband pursued me. He did everything to please me. It was easy to be going out and being together. Sex was good enough. But no spark. Got married, had kids, good life. And when I think of it as MY LIFE IS FINE. It is fine. Totally nothng wrong with it.

Fast forward .... and I regret not waiting for somebody with whom I have a spark. I do. I love my kids. I think I even love my husband. But I do feel as though I could live without him fairly easily. He makes my life easier (he can reach those hard to reach items in the kitchen. he cleans out the drains. he's a good coparent most of the time, etc. But couldn't a butler & a handyman do all those things?).

You know it isn't the right fit. It isn't the right fit. You should be crazy about her and eager to please her. And vice versa. It is so hard to feel you don't really care about your spouse. Because you'll get there. And you may fall for somebody else. But it will be much much messier after a few years of marriage and a couple of kids.

Do yourself a favor and find somebody you respect and are attracted to and love wholeheartedly.

Omg, woman - you are SO STUPID. Just you wait until you do actually lose this wonderful man - you will feel horrendous pain because you did not appreciate him or love him enough.