Things my husband has blamed me for in the last week.

[Anonymous]

I have spoken with my husband on multiple occasions how it is not ok to immediately blame me for *anything* that goes wrong in the house. He says he will resolve his behavior and then does nothing to fix it. In the past week he has blamed me for:

Forgetting to flush the toilet, when in fact he shortly realized afterwards he was the last one to use the toilet as I was in the shower, upstairs.
Leaving his own keys in his pocket and making a racket in the dryer. I reminded him that he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his pants in the dirty laundry bin.
The garage door suddenly opening when he had in fact, sat on the remote garage door opener.
I cleaned his bathroom drawers and he blamed me for his missing retainer, after I found it in a basket and he realized he had moved it earlier that morning.

When I ask him, he either apologizes or tries to continue to deflect his behavior. He has admitted it's easier for him to blame me than to admit his own faults, which i've told him is NOT ok. I've started a running tally on the fridge and tell him when he gets to 10, I get a week off from taking the blame.

We have been in marriage counselling before and I'm seriously considering going back to a marriage counsellor to address it. He is otherwise a very kind person, but my god he will fly off the handle at the most benign issue and immediately blame me for his own faults!

[Anonymous]

Why would you put up with his crap?

[Anonymous]

My DH is like that. To make it worse, I have ADD, so I am used to making mistakes and taking the blame. For someone like our partners, I am the perfect wife because I make such a convenient scapegoat. So it takes its toll on my sense of competence and breeds resentment both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you put up with his crap?

What is the option here, aside from divorce?

I have petty faults too. I can be critical. But I don't blame him for my own faults. I can't stand it when he flies off the handle over really simple things, like the garage door suddenley opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like that. To make it worse, I have ADD, so I am used to making mistakes and taking the blame. For someone like our partners, I am the perfect wife because I make such a convenient scapegoat. So it takes its toll on my sense of competence and breeds resentment both.

Jesus.

It's your responsibility to address your ADD, but using you as a scapegoat is borderline emotionally abusive. I guess I could say the same thing for my DH though.

[Anonymous]

You need a code word to remind him, he’s doing it again. Like “retainer” or “house keys”. All conversation stops if the code word is used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have spoken with my husband on multiple occasions how it is not ok to immediately blame me for *anything* that goes wrong in the house. He says he will resolve his behavior and then does nothing to fix it. In the past week he has blamed me for:

Forgetting to flush the toilet, when in fact he shortly realized afterwards he was the last one to use the toilet as I was in the shower, upstairs.
Leaving his own keys in his pocket and making a racket in the dryer. I reminded him that he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his pants in the dirty laundry bin.
The garage door suddenly opening when he had in fact, sat on the remote garage door opener.
I cleaned his bathroom drawers and he blamed me for his missing retainer, after I found it in a basket and he realized he had moved it earlier that morning.

When I ask him, he either apologizes or tries to continue to deflect his behavior. He has admitted it's easier for him to blame me than to admit his own faults, which i've told him is NOT ok. I've started a running tally on the fridge and tell him when he gets to 10, I get a week off from taking the blame.

We have been in marriage counselling before and I'm seriously considering going back to a marriage counsellor to address it. He is otherwise a very kind person, but my god he will fly off the handle at the most benign issue and immediately blame me for his own faults!

Taking a tally is a great start, but you need make your response to his reaching the 10 a lot - like, you go on a weekend vacation by yourself so he can sit home alone and contemplate if prefers life without you around (he won't).

[Anonymous]

I think in cases like this where it is changeable behavior, it is helpful to identify what you could do differently as well. Not in these particular situations but if there is something that he would like you to change, then you both work on these together. It tends to lead to more change when it is seen as you both working on the relationship versus a more parent/child or boss/employee situation where you are telling them what they are to do differently. Since no one is perfect, it is a good chance to both address change and it takes some of the defensiveness away if you are both working on an area of your relationship that will make it better.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this behavior is unacceptable to you, OP. (And that’s reasonable; most people wouldn’t accept it.) Yet, by keeping a tally and taking the blame some of the time, the message you send is that it’s kind of ok to a point. Of course your husband is the one in the wrong, and ideally he would stop. But if it’s behavior modification you seek, you need avoid reinforcing this pattern. So, yes, go to counseling. And stop engaging with him when he blame shifts. Name the behavior and walk away. “I’ll talk to you when you’re ready to take responsibility for your actions” is all you have to say. Don’t argue or explain. Leave the house if he insists on having it out. He needs to learn to live with the daily discomfort of taking responsibility for small mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Is this something you all have done before? If your husband wants you to change something about yourselves, he keeps a running tally on the fridge and you have found that helpful?

Personally I would find that so odd and uncomfortable if my spouse kept a running tally on a fridge of areas he wanted me to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have spoken with my husband on multiple occasions how it is not ok to immediately blame me for *anything* that goes wrong in the house. He says he will resolve his behavior and then does nothing to fix it. In the past week he has blamed me for:

Forgetting to flush the toilet, when in fact he shortly realized afterwards he was the last one to use the toilet as I was in the shower, upstairs.
Leaving his own keys in his pocket and making a racket in the dryer. I reminded him that he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his pants in the dirty laundry bin.
The garage door suddenly opening when he had in fact, sat on the remote garage door opener.
I cleaned his bathroom drawers and he blamed me for his missing retainer, after I found it in a basket and he realized he had moved it earlier that morning.

When I ask him, he either apologizes or tries to continue to deflect his behavior. He has admitted it's easier for him to blame me than to admit his own faults, which i've told him is NOT ok. I've started a running tally on the fridge and tell him when he gets to 10, I get a week off from taking the blame.

We have been in marriage counselling before and I'm seriously considering going back to a marriage counsellor to address it. He is otherwise a very kind person, but my god he will fly off the handle at the most benign issue and immediately blame me for his own faults!

Shut your pie-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this behavior is unacceptable to you, OP. (And that’s reasonable; most people wouldn’t accept it.) Yet, by keeping a tally and taking the blame some of the time, the message you send is that it’s kind of ok to a point. Of course your husband is the one in the wrong, and ideally he would stop. But if it’s behavior modification you seek, you need avoid reinforcing this pattern. So, yes, go to counseling. And stop engaging with him when he blame shifts. Name the behavior and walk away. “I’ll talk to you when you’re ready to take responsibility for your actions” is all you have to say. Don’t argue or explain. Leave the house if he insists on having it out. He needs to learn to live with the daily discomfort of taking responsibility for small mistakes.

This is great advice. I’d go to counseling to set up the new rules with support from the therapist. When you do a big rule change, like going from you’re allowed to blame me for everything to you may not blame me for any of your mistakes or things beyond my control, you might meet resistance. It can be helpful to have a neutral third party to guide you through the process and to help him see how his behavior affects you and his relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Stop cleaning up after him and stop doing laundry. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you all have done before? If your husband wants you to change something about yourselves, he keeps a running tally on the fridge and you have found that helpful?

Personally I would find that so odd and uncomfortable if my spouse kept a running tally on a fridge of areas he wanted me to change.

Generally I’d agree with you, like if it was something minor. But something rude and hurtful, like false accusations to cover his own mistakes? Attention needs to be drawn to the topic. I don’t think tallies are the best way to go about it, but I’m guessing he has no idea how often he’s actually doing it. He probably writes off the small ones like not flushing and doesn’t count them, so he thinks he’s doing it once a week instead of daily (or whatever the frequency is for OP).