Things my husband has blamed me for in the last week.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same, but when I realized, over a period of six months to a year, that my husband had evolved into disliking almost everything I did, every decision I made, I realized: marriage over. No regrets either.

[Anonymous]

Op, he needs to go to therapy to figure out why he does this and how to stop. Cbt therapy might work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have spoken with my husband on multiple occasions how it is not ok to immediately blame me for *anything* that goes wrong in the house. He says he will resolve his behavior and then does nothing to fix it. In the past week he has blamed me for:

Forgetting to flush the toilet, when in fact he shortly realized afterwards he was the last one to use the toilet as I was in the shower, upstairs.
Leaving his own keys in his pocket and making a racket in the dryer. I reminded him that he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his pants in the dirty laundry bin.
The garage door suddenly opening when he had in fact, sat on the remote garage door opener.
I cleaned his bathroom drawers and he blamed me for his missing retainer, after I found it in a basket and he realized he had moved it earlier that morning.

When I ask him, he either apologizes or tries to continue to deflect his behavior. He has admitted it's easier for him to blame me than to admit his own faults, which i've told him is NOT ok. I've started a running tally on the fridge and tell him when he gets to 10, I get a week off from taking the blame.

We have been in marriage counselling before and I'm seriously considering going back to a marriage counsellor to address it. He is otherwise a very kind person, but my god he will fly off the handle at the most benign issue and immediately blame me for his own faults!

Stop doing his laundry. Don't clean his bathroom drawers. He is a grown man and can do those things for himself. That seems to me to be a logical consequence to being blamed for not doing HIS chores correctly.

[Anonymous]

What does "flying off the handle" mean?

I also agree that counseling is in order, ASAP. I mean, honestly, even if you had done all these things, flying off the handle is an inappropriate response. None of it is a big deal. The fact that you didn't do these things only adds salt to the wound. Doesn't seem like a great guy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, he needs to go to therapy to figure out why he does this and how to stop. Cbt therapy might work.

This.

He shouldn’t be blaming others for his shortcomings. Man up, take responsibility, open your eyes, don’t make the same mistake twice.

[Anonymous]

He would be a perfect match for my ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Mine does this as well. It is maddening. He has been in therapy solo, and we have been in couples counseling, and it has improved ever so slightly over the years, but only ever so slightly.

In my DH's case, it is the direct result of having grown up in a family with terrible dynamics of blame and recrimination as the standard operating procedure in practically every instance. My DH's deflection of responsibility for what he does and blaming of others for neutral occurrences (or things that he in fact caused) is extremely reflexive and was developed over a period of years when he felt that he had to dodge bullets.

It is exhausting and infuriating.

[Anonymous]

My 4yr old does this and we’re working hard on it. He will literally fall out of his chair and yell that I should not have said his name and made him turn around. If he has a cookie and it falls on the ground he will say I should not have given him a cookie. Nothing is ever his fault. You know who is also never at fault? My mother. The world conspires to annoy her and thwart her every move. Everyone else must have done something wrong to set her up for failure. For her, we assume she can’t or won’t change so we just disregard her whining and don’t rub it in when she finds out she was wrong (aka finds the keys in her pocket, realizes she did sit on the remote).

I think your husband needs individual therapy to figure out why he can’t take the blame or admit mistakes. If he is verbally lashing out that way at work, it could cost him his job or career progression. Is he in chronic pain? Is he depressed? Is he stressed out? Does he have ADD? Early onset dementia? Lashing out and blaming others is a coping mechanism for early dementia and ADD.

[Anonymous]

If no kids are involved, get out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I ask him, he either apologizes or tries to continue to deflect his behavior. He has admitted it's easier for him to blame me than to admit his own faults, which i've told him is NOT ok. I've started a running tally on the fridge and tell him when he gets to 10, I get a week off from taking the blame.

NO. He should NOT be doing this on a regular basis at all. Once in a while, everybody does this. Daily? NO.
Of course it is easier to blame you than admit he's made a mistake. But that is an asshole puerile move. He need to grow up and take responsibility like an adult.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband has anxiety and thus overreacts enormously to things that don't matter regardless of fault. Blaming you is a way of asserting control when he feels out of control. Again, related to anxiety. He needs to address that root cause. But while he's taking care of that, you can draw a hard line. If he flies off the handle, say you're not listening to this and leave the room. And don't do his laundry or clean for him.

[Anonymous]

Too late to fix this. You should have cussed him out the first time this happened. This behavior is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

My husband tried this a couple times. I just flat out said, "You've got to be f'ing kidding me with this. You can be mad that you can't find your gloves but you don't get to speak to me like that even if it were my fault, which it clearly is not."