Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know what else makes things hard for women in the workforce? Repeated pregnancies and maternal leave. Regardless of whether the woman returns, that can perpetuate negative stereotypes about career women and force extra work on the coworkers left behind. Would you also suggest that because those are problematic for the workforce and how women are judged, we should avoid having second/third/fourth babies?

Look, whether male or female, we have to make reproductive and lifestyle decisions based on what works for our individual marriages and lives. If my third pregnancy negatively impacts my coworker, oh well. If my leaving to stay at home for a few years negatively impacts how women in my career are viewed, well oh well, yet again.

Good lord, you are making our point. It takes two people to have a baby. Two people should be taking parental leave of identical duration, but that doesn't happen until women are holding the purse and are pervasive in the boardroom, in the C-suite, and in federal/state/local government. Some people would say it is a chicken-or-egg situation where the workforce needs to change before women are able to comfortably stay in droves, but as a PP said, history has shown us that it's not actually that complicated. It will take generations of us being uncomfortable and not making the "easy" choice. And those of us who have more than enough money to stay at home -- which is what this threat is about -- are also those uniquely positioned (either because of wealth, education, or position) to make significant headway.

Two to make a baby, one to carry it and recover from the delivery. Women shouldn’t restrict their pregnancies because of that impact on other female workers, and they shouldn’t avoid staying at home if that’s what they want to do, out of some misplaced fear of the impact on other women.

Look if my daughter or my son wants to stay at home I’ll support them. It’s 100 percent true everyone gets to make the decision that’s right for them. But doing my part to make the options available to both of them better is a factor in working for me, and that’s the original question. When I interviewed for post docs I got asked a lot of questions I was too naive to realize were probably illegal and definitely discriminatory but the truth is when any one has been trained for years and had limited resources poured into their development and then they decide to leave the workforce, the people who have invested in them feel burned and they try to avoid letting that happen again. That’s just reality. Again you can make your own choices but they do have repercussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

I don’t think what you described is a unicorn situation, although it might be if he’s really earning enough to support an DCUM approved lifestyle comfortably on his own.
Honestly, though, it comes down to what someone wrote earlier - people make time for what’s important to them. Moms will make time to be in their kids lives regardless of what it costs them. It just hasn’t been my experience that the dads do it so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Because they are attempting to validate their decision to not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll go. DH and I both come from generational wealth and have worked for approx. 20 years (we are 43 and 45). I will continue to work for a million reasons but the highlights are:
- Genuinely love my job (big 4 consulting; I like the subject matter, my clients, and the substantive work).
- Continuing to build nest egg for my kids and not being the generation that drops the ball. Although I recognize that family money got us to where we are today (paid for education), I'd be embarrassed to be living on what we inherited rather than what we earn.
- The biggest one: my daughters and, to a lesser extent, my young female colleagues. I am beyond disappointed by my friends who are smarter, better educated, and (formerly) higher earning than their husbands but who have chosen to SAH. I fight the gender battle every. single. day. at work and I don't think these women appreciate the larger repercussions of their decisions. They make hiring, retention, and promotion SO much harder for their daughters when they embody the stereotypes/expectations that I am always fighting against. At this point most of my friends are no longer working or have "mom" jobs (self-employed consultants, tutors, etc.), and maybe I am crazy but I hate that my young daughters are growing up in a world where they see that, where they unconsciously internalize it and what it may mean about them, and where in the workforce they will have to battle expectations not that different from what my mom fought in the 80s. That is insane to me, and it is really difficult for me to understand how my friends don't see that and what sort of example/precedent they are setting.
- I hate cooking, gardening, and cleaning, and having a job gives me an excuse to outsource them.
- Prestige. This is probably a DC/NY/SF-specific thing, but it makes me very proud to tell people my job. I especially love watching men who completely underestimate me, and saying something snappy to the (typically older) women who rudely check in all the time to see if I am still working. They are ALL expecting that at some point I'm going to cave and join my friends, which I guess gets back to the point above about feeling like those of us working are trying to carry the mantle for our daughters.

I get that in a Barbie world, it would be liberating for women to have the choice whether to remain in or leave the workforce. But men aren't doing it; so until they are, all the women doing it -- even those who feel like they have "earned it" or like it is temporary or for their kids -- disappoint me. And don't get me started on the women who are staying at home to raise the next female CEO/president -- unless they are idiots, they are lying to themselves if they don't see that this is a self-perpetuating cycle.

Lol. You’re working so…your daughters and her friends might not internalize that they too can make choice to stay at home? How about recognizing the autonomy of your fellow women to make the best choices for her and for her family? I hate when feminism gets twisted into the morality of mandatory paid employment. Gross.

Perhaps PP is extreme, but we have teenagers and you would be shocked when teenagers say their SAHM is "unemployed" or "doesn't have a job". I don't know if they realize their mom was some high-powered whatever, but it comes across as pretty demeaning.

Why would I have a problem with my teen saying I don’t have a job? How is that demeaning? It’s the truth. Other teens don’t need to hear about my prior career.

Great...I hope you are also fine if your DH describes you as "unemployed" to his friends as well. No problem, right? It's the truth, right?

BTW, I assume you make casual conversation with your teen and their friends, no? This isn't being said to other teens, it's said to everyone.

It’s the truth. Im honestly not following why you think I would have a problem with “unemployed.” I don’t get my self worth from a job, and I don’t find that demeaning. I think you would only take it that way if you think somehow people have more value from paid employment.

+1 first PP's rant is so ridiculous. Starting from the premise that every human being must work for cash or they are demeaned and have no value is idiotic. Your daughters are smart enough to know they can make choices. So can men. Men don't as often, and that totally makes biological sense. You can fight against that and what it sometimes implies in the workplace all you want, but it is the reality of life, and it isn't wrong. It just isn't wrong for a mother to realize that she needs and wants to leave her career and stay home with her children. We need a world where this is a real possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know what else makes things hard for women in the workforce? Repeated pregnancies and maternal leave. Regardless of whether the woman returns, that can perpetuate negative stereotypes about career women and force extra work on the coworkers left behind. Would you also suggest that because those are problematic for the workforce and how women are judged, we should avoid having second/third/fourth babies?

Look, whether male or female, we have to make reproductive and lifestyle decisions based on what works for our individual marriages and lives. If my third pregnancy negatively impacts my coworker, oh well. If my leaving to stay at home for a few years negatively impacts how women in my career are viewed, well oh well, yet again.

Good lord, you are making our point. It takes two people to have a baby. Two people should be taking parental leave of identical duration, but that doesn't happen until women are holding the purse and are pervasive in the boardroom, in the C-suite, and in federal/state/local government. Some people would say it is a chicken-or-egg situation where the workforce needs to change before women are able to comfortably stay in droves, but as a PP said, history has shown us that it's not actually that complicated. It will take generations of us being uncomfortable and not making the "easy" choice. And those of us who have more than enough money to stay at home -- which is what this threat is about -- are also those uniquely positioned (either because of wealth, education, or position) to make significant headway.

Two to make a baby, one to carry it and recover from the delivery. Women shouldn’t restrict their pregnancies because of that impact on other female workers, and they shouldn’t avoid staying at home if that’s what they want to do, out of some misplaced fear of the impact on other women.

Look if my daughter or my son wants to stay at home I’ll support them. It’s 100 percent true everyone gets to make the decision that’s right for them. But doing my part to make the options available to both of them better is a factor in working for me, and that’s the original question. When I interviewed for post docs I got asked a lot of questions I was too naive to realize were probably illegal and definitely discriminatory but the truth is when any one has been trained for years and had limited resources poured into their development and then they decide to leave the workforce, the people who have invested in them feel burned and they try to avoid letting that happen again. That’s just reality. Again you can make your own choices but they do have repercussions.

That's life. People we invest in drop out for many, many reasons. A child may or may not be one of them for some parents; for other people it will be a catastrophic illness or injury; death; needing to move for a spouse/aging parent/better job offer, etc. No one is obligated to work forever no matter what the investment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Because they are attempting to validate their decision to not work.

DP: "Attempting to validate"? Your bias is so impossible that you can't even have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of three moms who husbands died in 40’s and 50’s from unexpected cancer. There jobs saved the family. They could stay in their homes and afford kid activities as a widow. Once you’ve devoted most of your life to obtaining higher education, you want to use it. It is important for your young kids to see role models in moms. Moms don’t just cook, dust, and wipe bums.

You are right, we don't. Even those of us who don't presently earn incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely would quit if I weren’t privileged with the combination of:
- super-involved grandparents on both sides
- a DH who contributes equally to childcare and housework
- a short commute and WFH flexibility for both of us, so one or the other is always at home

Why do I like working? I enjoy using the analytical part of my brain, interacting with other intelligent adults, having accomplishments and getting promoted, having my own world apart from my family. While my DC work hard on their homework, I am working hard next to them on a presentation or white paper. If I were just scrolling Instagram or browsing Target.com it wouldn’t be nearly as motivating for them!

Why do you think you would be scrolling Instagram or shopping on line? I'm sure you would have something else up your sleeve even if you weren't earning an income. Give yourself some credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

Yes, all of the posts on DCUM about SAHMs who have absentee fathers are...made up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

Yes, all of the posts on DCUM about SAHMs who have absentee fathers are...made up...

Including OP herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Oh my. Are you really this slow? Because all those working moms are not the sole provider, and therefore can and do take jobs that are more flexible. What is a rarity is a man, with a super flexible job, who makes enough money that his wife’s salary is irrelevant. That is a true rarity, and therefore your DH is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Oh my. Are you really this slow? Because all those working moms are not the sole provider, and therefore can and do take jobs that are more flexible. What is a rarity is a man, with a super flexible job, who makes enough money that his wife’s salary is irrelevant. That is a true rarity, and therefore your DH is irrelevant.

Nah. We just aren’t frivolous money wasters like so many on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sole earner husband mostly works from home and is around and available as much as any working parent. The absentee-dad story is a myth that working moms tell. He will be retiring at 55.

How can he be available if he is working? The work from home people are not working in fact.

I said he is as available as any working parent. He’s done before dinner every night and doesn’t work weekends. He can flex during the day if needs to go to a performance or meeting for the kids, etc. He has all the flexibility the working moms brag about. He coaches and does bedtimes. He’s not remotely absentee. I know that’s disappointing for some posters who want him to be checked out.

Right, as noted, that makes him a practically impossible rarity. There are very few wealthy (and non-wealthy) working fathers supporting entire families who can work from home, have total schedule control, and skip out on work whenever they want.

In any event, this thread started because OP is married to a terrible, disinterested, but wealthy father, which is far more common in the SAHM/wealthy WOHD model. So your unicorn situation is totally irrelevant.

Why is my husband an “impossible rarity” when working moms claim this type of schedule all the time and go completely unquestioned on this site?

Oh my. Are you really this slow? Because all those working moms are not the sole provider, and therefore can and do take jobs that are more flexible. What is a rarity is a man, with a super flexible job, who makes enough money that his wife’s salary is irrelevant. That is a true rarity, and therefore your DH is irrelevant.

Nah. We just aren’t frivolous money wasters like so many on here.

You seem to not understand that this entire thread is about women married to men who make enough that the women’s jobs don’t matter. Frugality has literally no role here. If your husband’s salary requires that you have to live frugally to survive, then this thread isn’t about you.

[Anonymous]

I've done both- I like working because it keeps my mind busy and I don't get caught up in the small stuff. I lfind my work interesting and also enjoy results from my efforts. When I wasn't working I'd overanalyze things that weren't really important. I have plenty of friends that stay home and plenty who work- whatever makes them happy is the right choice for them.