Where is that school where teachers actually appreciate parents suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Can't say where my DC's school is but suffices to say the teachers (some) are very unappreciative of suggestions. They get defensive and see it as criticism. Has anyone ever had to make suggestions to their child's teacher on how better to handle a situation with their child? Or do you defer to the teacher always even if you feel she's handling it inappropriately? And where is that school that has teachers that enjoy getting suggestions and ideas from parents? Is it potomac?

Please tell me and I'll transfer there in a heartbeat.

I'm making a request that teachers not reply to this post. It is intended for parents who are not also teachers! Can we please spare this thread from becoming a five page debate between teachers and me the OP and possibly others on why teachers must be left alone by parents? Probably too much to ask, but I'm asking anyway. Please teachers - I'm interested in hearing only from parents and not teachers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it would help if you would be a little clearer in what you mean by "suggestions." Your post is loaded with possibility for misinterpretation... remember, what some people intend or issue as suggestions, others read as directives and mandates. Can you give us a specific example of a suggestion that you have made to a teacher, and how it was negatively received?

[Anonymous]

I think it partially depends on how the "suggestion" is delivered. Teachers are professionals (I'm not a teacher by the way), and like other professionals, they might resent someone who isn't a teacher trying to tell them how to do their job. Maybe you could couch it as "we've found it helpful to do _____ when dealing with our child." And you have to remember that even though you know what's best for your child, they're going to have teachers, and bosses who may do things differently (i.e., not the way YOU would do it), but your child is going to have to learn to deal with it. There's a fine line between trying to be helpful and micromanaging a situation. At a minimum, try listening to what the teacher's take is on the situation before making suggestions.

[Anonymous]

So offense OP, but I think you sound like a pain in the ass and you may not be happy anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I've had pretty good success with all the schools my kids have been in (four so far between them, if we count Nursery). The difference is not which school it is, it's in how the conversation is structured. I would say:

Listen to what the teacher has to say, how they see the situation, what they recommend before you say anything. Be ready to take their insights as seriously as your own, and to follow their advice if it sounds good, even when it is different from your own ideas. Remember, you are the overall expert on your child, but they are experts on children that age/grade, and the experts on how your child functions in the classroom. They may know something you don't.

Give your own view of the situation, including info the teacher may not have, politely.

Phrase your desires first in terms of outcomes, and pay attention to their ideas for implementation. For example: Johnny often forgets his books at school and can't do homework. How can we structure things to help with this? Not: I want you to check Johnny's backpack at the beginning and end of school every day.

I have learned a lot from my kids' teachers about them as people and learners, and they have learned from me. That's how it should work.

[Anonymous]

14:51 again - one more thought. It is critical to remember that while you only have one child (or 2 or 3) the teacher has anywhere from 10 to 30 in the classroom. Strategies which work at home (wait her out when she's being stubborn) don't always work in a group.

[Anonymous]

I never had any teachers that welcomed suggestions from parents. But, I like the way earlier PP said to sort of ask for advice as to how to best handle issues your child might have. Generally, when you ask people for advice -- it comes off a lot better than sounding like a pushy "know it all" helicopter parent.

[Anonymous]

14:51 had some good advice. Well put.

[Anonymous]

This thread is filled with great advice for OP as well as any parent figuring out how to navigate the teacher-parent-student nexus. I welcome teachers' insights precisely because they are exposed to a range of behaviours of children of that age and have more experience than I ever will have of the breadth and depth of children from that age range.

I was particularly struck by one poster talking about how teachers do not have the luxury, even if there are two or three in a class of twenty kids, to micromanage each child's idiosyncrasies (paraphrased and stated more eloquently by PP). While I am grateful when schools are able to meet my child where he or she is, I also want them to move my child to a place where he or she is able to interact with a range of people and personalities as he or she need these skills to survive over the course of his/her lives.

[Anonymous]

I teach communications and I will say that each profession tends to attract a specific group of communicators. Academics tend to require more finesse and detail than some other groups.

It is always about how your ideas are taken. If people are generally misinterpreting what you say, then you have a communication issue. It really doesn't matter what you meant - you need to learn to couch your words for that particular person. A good communicator will vary their words depending upon the person with whom they are speaking.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for not being more precise about this.

Okay here goes - DC was slow to put away his stuff. The night before he woke up twice, maybe nightmares, so he was tired that day in school...and slow moving. Anyhow after kids put their stuff away they have snack. After snack it's time to go home. Well, he didn't get snack because he took too long to put away his stuff. He was tired and hungry. So he cried and begged for it. Teacher says no, time to go home. Teacher says, "I'm sorry but you dawdled in putting your stuff away." DC complained to me later that teacher was pretty cold when he was crying, provided no empathy, walked away, was very matter of fact.

Rewind two months ago when school began. He had another minor incident on playground. In this incident the Head of School happens to be there. She is very empathetic, very comforting , hugs him. He quickly stops crying.

So I ask teacher, "Just curious, how are situations like this when kids cry - managed?" She tells me what she would do and, from her own account, she's pretty damn matter of fact about it all and handles it like the kids are 5th graders. DC is a kindergartener though, only 5 yo.

So I say to teacher: " Well we learned that at home what really works well for DC is reasoning" to which teacher quickly retorts, "We reason with the kids. We already do that. We're not monsters. We don't say 'do it because I told you to do that.' Heck, I don't even speak to my own kids that way." Yikes, the quills on the porcupine are standing up I thought. What about saying, "Yes thats a great strategy. We use that too. For example,...."

Then I say, "Another thing that works wonders with DC is when we show empathy. Just the simple sentence, 'I understand you must be so upset. I understand why you're sad.' can diffuse the emotions immediately. I said this because DC had complained teacher was kind of cold when he was upset or cried over anything. So teacher says: "Yes we do that too." So there was nothing else to say. I couldn't very well call the teacher a liar. So I remained silent.

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like maybe your child's teacher is a bad fit for your family. But really, I don't think any teacher (or anybody!) is going to take it well if you suggest that they're not being empathetic or reasoning with the kids. Not saying that the teacher WAS doing those things adequately, necessarily. But of course she was defensive in that situation. What did you except her to say? "Oh, be sympathetic? Gee, I just never thought of that. Thanks for your insight." You probably sounded preachy to her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you essentially told the teacher she lacked empathy, and you are surprised that she didn't respond well? You sound very difficult.

[Anonymous]

This may not be the case in OP's situation, but one thing I have also found over the years is that my children can often be very different in school from how they are at home. School is a different environment, with different people, routines and expectations. So I always approach these kinds of things with the default assumption that the teachers know better than me what they are doing and what is going on with my child in their habitat, so to speak. OP, I think if you go in automatically assuming you know more than the teachers, it will backfire.

[Anonymous]

So what should I do when DC tells me she actually is lacking in empathy?