Where is that school where teachers actually appreciate parents suggestions?

[Anonymous]

This may not be the case in OP's situation, but one thing I have also found over the years is that my children can often be very different in school from how they are at home. School is a different environment, with different people, routines and expectations. So I always approach these kinds of things with the default assumption that the teachers know better than me what they are doing and what is going on with my child in their habitat, so to speak. OP, I think if you go in automatically assuming you know more than the teachers, it will backfire.

[Anonymous]

PP--sorry, my post accidentally got posted twice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may not be the case in OP's situation, but one thing I have also found over the years is that my children can often be very different in school from how they are at home. School is a different environment, with different people, routines and expectations. So I always approach these kinds of things with the default assumption that the teachers know better than me what they are doing and what is going on with my child in their habitat, so to speak. OP, I think if you go in automatically assuming you know more than the teachers, it will backfire.

No, I don't know how to teach kids. But DC, yes. So what to do when teacher is actually not very empathetic then? What should I have told DC?

[Anonymous]

I'd tell DC that people have different styles and that his teacher seems to really like to keep to a schedule. Think of it like if you take too long putting on your shoes you miss the bus, or in this case the snack, regardless of what kind of night you had. The teacher has to keep the whole group to a routine and schedule to fit everythhing in. It sounds like she thinks being matter of fact and using logical consequences is the way she prefers things. K is just way less nurturing than preschool.

Sorry that he was tired and hungry and that the teacher was not overly sympathetic. I'm guessing he will put away his stuff more quickly next time. Hope you get a teacher who is a better fit next time. It is part of learning how to deal with different people.

Just be glad your DC is not at Waldorf school where they sometimes have the same teacher for all of elementary school. Talk about needing to walk on eggshells.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what should I do when DC tells me she actually is lacking in empathy?

I would realize that a child who is mature enough to use a word like empathy, is probably quite capable of understanding that school is closing soon, if you'd like to have a moment to eat snack you need to put your things away.

Oooops, I forgot I'm a teacher, I'm not allowed to give input on this thread. Please ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what should I do when DC tells me she actually is lacking in empathy?

I would realize that a child who is mature enough to use a word like empathy, is probably quite capable of understanding that school is closing soon, if you'd like to have a moment to eat snack you need to put your things away.

Oooops, I forgot I'm a teacher, I'm not allowed to give input on this thread. Please ignore.

Will you be my friend? Please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what should I do when DC tells me she actually is lacking in empathy?

Your five y.o. said "my teacher is lacking in empathy?"

[Anonymous]

OP, I know exactly what you mean. My DD is emotional and cries in school when she gets frustrated. She is now 8 and a third grader. This is not a new behavior. She has always done this. It is the way she is. Her previous teachers have managed in various ways with this. Her current teacher is a disaster. His solution is to tell her "Don't cry, save it for something that really matters." (FYI, the teacher himself has told me he says this.) This does NOT work. She then gets even more upset because now she is upset/embarrassed that she is crying. I flat out had to tell him to stop saying this to her, that is does not work and makes its worse. At this point I am so over offending teachers who think they are the first person who had an idea on how to manage my kid. Tell her not to cry, golly, wish I'd thought of that, I'll get right on that.

I'm guessing he will put away his stuff more quickly next time.

Maybe, but not necessarily. Some kids are not that organized at 5. Some ADULTS are not that organized. Maybe he has ADHD. Maybe he has too much stuff in his desk to keep organized. I think it's really hard to say from here, but denying the kid snack was inappropriate IMO.

[Anonymous]

"Denying the kid snack" when he's about to leave school doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

I guess I lack empathy.

[Anonymous]

21:50 I'm the PP you quoted, I should have said the teacher must hope/predict that he will move more quickly next time.

I'm less bothered by the snack thing since it was the end of the day than if he missed lunch or something. The teacher does have to keep to a schedule. I'd be annoyed if the kids got dismissed late b/c of something like that happening with one child, they could miss a bus or after school appointment or activity. If it happened once OP I'd keep your powder dry. If it is every day then you need to have a meeting to figure out a different strategy. My DD and her friends often say that they ran out of time to finish lunch, it's kind of the same thing.

Some people are just not as good a fit in terms of style and it sounds like OP, her son and the teacher are not a good match. I know it's hard in a private since you feel like you are paying so much, but that is just life to some extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what should I do when DC tells me she actually is lacking in empathy?

I would realize that a child who is mature enough to use a word like empathy, is probably quite capable of understanding that school is closing soon, if you'd like to have a moment to eat snack you need to put your things away.

Oooops, I forgot I'm a teacher, I'm not allowed to give input on this thread. Please ignore.

Teacher, thank you for identifying yourself. DC never used the word empathy. He described a lack ofempathy - used words like 'cold' and 'didn't comfort me at all.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know exactly what you mean. My DD is emotional and cries in school when she gets frustrated. She is now 8 and a third grader. This is not a new behavior. She has always done this. It is the way she is. Her previous teachers have managed in various ways with this. Her current teacher is a disaster. His solution is to tell her "Don't cry, save it for something that really matters." (FYI, the teacher himself has told me he says this.) This does NOT work. She then gets even more upset because now she is upset/embarrassed that she is crying. I flat out had to tell him to stop saying this to her, that is does not work and makes its worse. At this point I am so over offending teachers who think they are the first person who had an idea on how to manage my kid. Tell her not to cry, golly, wish I'd thought of that, I'll get right on that.

I'm guessing he will put away his stuff more quickly next time.

Maybe, but not necessarily. Some kids are not that organized at 5. Some ADULTS are not that organized. Maybe he has ADHD. Maybe he has too much stuff in his desk to keep organized. I think it's really hard to say from here, but denying the kid snack was inappropriate IMO.

OP here. That's exactly how I feel too. BTW, to other posters, my child does actually have mild attention issues. Teacher is aware of this. Empathy is great for all kids, but necessary for the kid who neurologically is struggling to keep pace. He does a great job of keeping pace, but he still struggles with some things. As I said, he was tired that day because he woke up twice the night before. What does it cost a teacher to show some empathy..regardless of whether he caused himself to lose his snack? The empathy is to help diffuse the high emotions thats all. It's not meant as a reward when a child ISN"T at fault and deprived when a child IS at fault.

DC's teachers just can't seem to distinguish between criticism and suggestions. Yes, there's a fine line. But if said politely and truly as suggestions, guess what...IT'S A SUGGESTION! If said negatively, to condemn only, it's a criticism.

I am thinking of asking the Head of School for help. She is a warm, empathetic person who has a gift for speaking politely.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You have already been labelled the PITA mom. Stop now while you are ahead. Think long and hard about going over the teacher's head to the head of school over something like this.

Here is my story. I am a mom of a early elementary girl. She had a host of problems adjusting to K and 1st grade. Very, very, very rocky. Crying. Tantrums. The works. In K, I felt like the teacher was working with us. In 1st grade, I did not. She is also a HUGE dawdler. She could take an hour to get her stuff packed or unpacked and she has no attention problems. This is her problem, not the teacher's. When I realized that there was an issue, I asked the teacher to allow her to keep a timer on her desk. We had used one in K to help her with transitions. Problem solved. Our teachers prefer email. In a situation like yours, I would have emailed a quick note from my BB. Mrs. X, A quick note to let you know that young James Henry woke up several times with nightmares last night. He may be a bit out of sorts. I gave him a protein packed breakfast and encouraged him to catch a nap on the drive in to school. XXXOOO Doting Mom. This is not to say we did not have other issues. We had them all year long. And I worked really hard to blunt a situation before it became a problem. When I was really pissed, I handed the reigns over to my husband because at the end of the day, they have your kid. They can make it a good day or not.

Now, all that being said. It HURTS to think that someone does not adore your child and love them the way you do. It HURTS to think of your child unhappy, alone, forlorn, etc. It crushes me when my kid tells me that someone on the playground did not want to play with her or that she cried at snack time. We all know this intellectually, but there is nothing like school to bring it home. Not every teacher will like your kid. Other children may not like your kid. People may even purposefully be unkind to him and believe you me, that is a hard day in every mom's life. So I do really understand that your feelings are jangled by this teacher and her responses. Take a deep breath and do nothing right now. Change your approach to that of prevention. If you escalate over this, things will get worse. And keep your emails to no more than 3 sentences. Good luck and welcome to the gladiator arena known as elementary school.

I am not a teacher. I am allowed to post.

[Anonymous]

OP - You do need to take a deep breath and step back for awhile before acting. I speak as an experienced mom who will tell you that you will occasionally have teachers who may not mesh well with your child. It is unavoidable.

I presume that you came to this thread for help and not just venting. The most important thing you can do, if you do need to do something, is to sit down with the teacher and talk. DO NOT SEND EMAILS - they always get misinterpreted.

If this doesn't work, then you need to go one level up to the head of the division or the social/emotional advisor for advice. Do not go to the Head of School - a guarantee of negative labels and no one who will come to your aid in future years. There is a path of communication and you need to use it.

[Anonymous]

PP here - forgot to add that in many cases, the teachers are trying to help your child adjust and are giving teachable moments. It doesn't help to reinforce prior behavior.

Case in point - my child didn't have a sense of urgency. Was coming in last to a class after music. Complained that it took him time to pack up his instrument yet all the other kids managed to make it on time. Had asked the music teacher for a pass but not given. Had asked his other teacher to forgive his lateness. She didn't. He is now on time to class. He learned how to make adjustments and is stronger and wiser as a result. I'm assuming that this is what your child's teacher is trying to do.