Where is that school where teachers actually appreciate parents suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what should I do when DC tells me she actually is lacking in empathy?

I would realize that a child who is mature enough to use a word like empathy, is probably quite capable of understanding that school is closing soon, if you'd like to have a moment to eat snack you need to put your things away.

Oooops, I forgot I'm a teacher, I'm not allowed to give input on this thread. Please ignore.

Teacher, thank you for identifying yourself. DC never used the word empathy. He described a lack ofempathy - used words like 'cold' and 'didn't comfort me at all.'

I think he's old enough now to understand that not every adult will comfort him when he's sad. He needs to either be taught or develop on his own the ability to self-soothe in situations like that.

[Anonymous]

You're cold above. Sometimes even adults need a little empathy or comfort. Everyone develops at different paces. Boys tend to develop much later than girls. Maybe the boy just needed a little help that day...."no man is an island".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. That's exactly how I feel too. BTW, to other posters, my child does actually have mild attention issues. Teacher is aware of this. Empathy is great for all kids, but necessary for the kid who neurologically is struggling to keep pace. He does a great job of keeping pace, but he still struggles with some things. As I said, he was tired that day because he woke up twice the night before. What does it cost a teacher to show some empathy..regardless of whether he caused himself to lose his snack? The empathy is to help diffuse the high emotions thats all. It's not meant as a reward when a child ISN"T at fault and deprived when a child IS at fault.

DC's teachers just can't seem to distinguish between criticism and suggestions. Yes, there's a fine line. But if said politely and truly as suggestions, guess what...IT'S A SUGGESTION! If said negatively, to condemn only, it's a criticism.

I am thinking of asking the Head of School for help. She is a warm, empathetic person who has a gift for speaking politely.

Here's a concrete suggestion, which might have a better outcome than going to the Head of School.

1-Make an appointment to talk with your son's teacher. Conversations on the playground, if not quite as bad as emails, are rarely productive (unless it is checking in on how a strategy is working out).
2 - Explain to her that your son was upset, and you want to hear what happened. Not "I want to hear your side of the story", not "he said you were cold and wouldn't comfort him", just, "he came home upset and I want to get a better idea of what happened".
3 - Tell the teacher that your son sometimes has a hard time distinguishing between criticism and suggestions, and that he heard criticism in her voice, even if she never meant it that way.
4 - Ask if she has any ideas about how to help him learn to deal with different styles of communication, without feeling criticized.
5 - Listen very carefully to what she has to say. If any of her suggestions are even in the ballpark, agree, and say you'd like to try that. Ask what you can do to help things go more smoothly. Is there anything you can explain to your son?
6 - If none of this works, and she shuts you out totally or is 100% unresponsive, THEN you have a reason to go to the Head and ask for her input.

[Anonymous]

Great advice!

[Anonymous]

I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is entrusting our children to teachers who do not, for whatever reasons, temperament, philosophy, handle our children the way we think they should. But that's the reality and we cannot impose our notions on our children's teachers. Some teachers are open to suggestions and many teachers would have handled this situation and your feedback very differently. I am not sure there is anything you can do right now that would make the situation better except focus on your child, talk to your child about his experiences, that he was tired that day, that this might help him to learn not to dawdle, etc. As for his questions about his teacher's lack of empathy (which I imagine are being articulated in different language) I would explain that the teacher has many number of students an that teachers cannot always take the time to comfort, etc. I would also explain that teachers have I would lay low for awhile unless something really extreme happens at school.

[Anonymous]

OP, while I completely understand your concern about what happened to your son, I wonder if it is helpful to put this much energy into righting the situation. This is not going to be the last time that your child will face a situation like this. Different teachers have different approaches and you won't always be happy with how things go. DC will have to learn to deal with it and, really, if you make a big deal of this, dc will learn that any frustration is a big deal and can be a major obstacle rather than learning to deal with it and move on.

That said, I understand how it must feel to know your kid was in that situation and you weren't able to do anything about it. But this won't be the last time you feel this way.

[Anonymous]

8:36 offers sound and concrete suggestions on how to proceed. I would really caution, however, that you not approach the head of school until you are ABSOLUTELY certain that the teacher is dismissing your concerns. That means you may need to have a couple of conversations with the teacher before you draw that conclusion. You may have already demonstrated to the teacher that you are, or have the potential to be, a PITA parent. You probably need to demonstrate that you understand she has a wealth of experience and may be able to assist you and your child in his learning how to function in a variety of environments.

I've been in your shoes, though in a modified way. We made a one-time scheduling request of our daughter's new teachers at the beginning of the year, which we still believe could have been easily accommodated, but was not. While I could've made the assumption that they were inflexible and complained to their bosses, I decided not to as we were new to the school. I am relieved that I did not do that: I could've not invented a better set of teachers for my daughter. They really know how to bring out the best of her abilities while shaping the skills she needs to thrive in early elementary school.

Finally, what if none of this works out? What will you do? Pull your kid? Ask for a new teacher, etc? You may want to consider your options before you act. My hunch is that the school will not transfer your son to another class and will not fire the teacher. Complaining may only isolate, not integrate, your family into the school.

[Anonymous]

Tell your DC that much of the world works on schedule and that schedules are necessary when you are trying to coordinate the activities of lots of different people (the kids in the class, the parents coming to pick them up, the teachers going home to meet their own kids, etc.) Schedules can be a challenge and sometimes when you don't get your act together in time, you miss something you wanted to do. Give an example from your own life.

Basically, this is your DC's problem -- not the teacher's. So help/advise him. Provide empathy (and a snack!), but also guidance.

[Anonymous]

OP (full disclosure, I am a teacher ignoring your directions).

It sounds like this was an isolated situation, that your child was having a particularly rough day and this isn't an ongoing issue for him. If he's complaining that she's cold on an ongoing basis, or spending part of every day in tears, I'd suggest something different, but right now I'd encourage you to wait and see. I think you'll find that one of the following three patterns emerges:

1) She did hear your suggestions, but felt attacked and responded defensively, however once she has a chance to reflect on them she realizes their value and applies them next time.

2) Her method worked, and you don't have repeat incidents.

3) She continues to interact with your son in ways that are concerning to you and ineffective with him, and you need to come back together to make a plan.

[Anonymous]

9:24 here. Not sure why this sentence got cut off.
I would also explain that teachers have many students and that part of being a big boy in kindergarten is learning how to handle the ups and downs of being in a class with other students and a teacher who may not have a different style than other teachers. If your son is good with concepts, spell them out in spades. Also, if you haven't already you should very explicitly let him know that you know it's hard, and that grownsup have tired days, too.

My child is in middle school now and by and large adored his teachers and they him but the two instances where things didn't click were genuinely difficult. I lay awake some nights. It does sound like this only happened once, your son was having a bad day, etc. I think we can all relate!

[Anonymous]

I'm the 21:50 poster from yesterday. I think 8:36 above gave excellent advice and is what I have always done. Internally I seethe LOL, but externally I am all politeness, following the rules, making this a win-win, blah, blah, blah.

3) She continues to interact with your son in ways that are concerning to you and ineffective with him, and you need to come back together to make a plan.

I wonder what people suggest when this is the scenario that continues to happen. When the teacher, despite ignoring one-offs, despite working with child on issues, despite being the good parent and the good school citizen, the teacher continues to act in ways that are harmful to your child, WHAT do you do? At SOME point, you need to do something different. We are having a very hard time this year, having exchanged numerous e-mails, phone conferences, pleasant, cordial facw to face meetings (all in Q1, OY!), this teacher is still not responding to her in appropriate ways. We have never, ever had this much trouble in a year and seriously, from my perspective, behaviorally this is the best year for her yet. She's getting older, she's maturing, she's growing into her emotions. But this guy is just nuts with her and they are oil and water.

I guess I can just chalk it up to a bad year and hope she isn't too badly damaged at the end of it. Oddly, this does not feel satisfactory to me.

[Anonymous]

To add to above, other teachers in the school have mentioned to me that she is much improved this year as well, so it is not my imagination and/or wishful thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I wonder what people suggest when this is the scenario that continues to happen. When the teacher, despite ignoring one-offs, despite working with child on issues, despite being the good parent and the good school citizen, the teacher continues to act in ways that are harmful to your child, WHAT do you do?

I haven't been in this situation (yet?) thankfully, but I've read lots of cases of parents saying that when the fit was truly bad and, as you say, harmful for the child, they sought a classroom switch. (Just a case of a tougher or sterner teacher but not damaging? Then it might be a chance for the child to grow a bit and learn to deal with different people's expectations.)

[Anonymous]

10:34 Your situation sounds ongoing, I would meet with the school counselor and ask at what point is the fit deemed not right. I was positive about the teacher and focus on the abstract notion of the right fit. I would also balance this request against the reality of a transfer, is your child attached to friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

NP here - I read the part about the teacher telling the student to save the crying for something important - I have a 5 yo boy - and I can tell when he's dramatizing for effect - especially if he thinks that he's not getting his way for something. I can become "cold" and "uncomforting" during those moments, because I have found that if I provide an audience for his dramatics, he spins out - if I say that "it's enough" - I found that he stops almost immediately, and is generally all smiles within a couple minutes. Limits are key - and ESPECIALLY with dawdlers - otherwise, how will you ever teach them that their schedules are not the center of the universe? My tirade - but I think that this is one of the problems with many of the kids growing up now is this awesome sense of entitlement because adults around them have responded to their every mood swing - ok, so you didn't get a good night's sleep - next time you'll get a better night's sleep, and today is no reason to make everyone else's life miserable with attitude. My two cents. FWIW. oh, and NOT a teacher.