How Do You REALLY Get Over Abusive Ex?

[Anonymous]

We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

[Anonymous]

You're out, you're free, and you can provide a stable home for your children during the time they are with you. Try to find ways to manage his manipulation--a good therapist can help, but there are a lot of books about divorce and abuse that may help. Try to keep most of your communication via email--that way you have a paper trail if the abuse ramps up. Things get better over time, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Reframe it - the only way you’ll be civil to him and his girlfriend is if he is civil with you. You are not powerless.
You left and don’t give him the opportunity to control two people.

[Anonymous]

Why are you entertaining this drivel from him? Make it clear to him that unless it has to do with the kids, you’re not responding to it. And ignore, ignore, ignore. You are letting him get to you and he KNOWS it. Don’t give any indication that you care about him or his girlfriend (I mean, really, why do you?). I know this sounds very harsh, but you just have to look at this through a new frame. He is nothing to you.

[Anonymous]

Do not respond! Unless it is about the kids, do not respond to him. Screen shot EVERYTHING (text messages, if he calls fifty times, screen shot that too, and date everything (he shows up at your house, etc). No one gets over abuse but you can control it now. But seriously, you sound so weak. Grow a back bone, you divorced him, and have two kids to raise, do it and stop whining

[Anonymous]

In my case, the verbal abuse continues and the courts don’t care. I conceal most of it from DH because I don’t want things to escalate.

Honestly, I just count down the days until younger DC is 18. Then, I will truly be free.

You can try ignoring anything not specifically related to the kids.

[Anonymous]

I ignore/deflect inappropriate and abusive statements. The trickiest thing is when he questions without stopping. In those cases, unless it's something to do specifically with the kids, I just ignore until he leaves it alone.

It really sucks. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Date a 20 something year old and sex it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

OP!!!!!!!! OMG, I wish we could get coffee or have drinks. I might login so that you can PM me. I'm not just there, thought I got over it, still in the middle of a bad divorce, but somehow this week (probably holidays) crying over the fact that I'm trying to rationalize why I should have stayed and trying to minimize his abuse so I make myself feel like leaving was the wrong decision. I know exactly what I'm doing when I get on that thought train and I know what to tell myself to snap right out of it. But, it sucks and no matter what I did, I'm always stuck with this a**hole's bullsh** and no matter what I do or don't do, I am never going to get him out of my life. I'm stuck with him.

To answer your question about how to get over this:

1. Remind yourself constantly that leaving was the right decision. You made the right decision by leaving, because staying in that situation for me would have led to things way worse than what you feel right now.

2. By leaving, you have a chance of modeling appropriate relationships for your kids in the future. That's 1 of 2 reasons I left when I did.

3. Remember that his girlfriend is not only his next victim of abuse, but that he is using her on purpose to continue to abuse you. His intention is to get a reaction from you. Google some articles about gaslighting and "crazy-makers" just to go back to abuse basics and remind yourself that this is just a show. It's your choice to play into this game, and all the times we feed into it teaches us exactly what we have to do to not feed that jacka**.

4. I'm in PG County and there are some domestic violence resources I found beneficial. I go to a weekly DV woman's support group at the Family Crisis Center inside the Beltway. The Family Justice Center in Upper Marlboro also has a support group. I love going, because not only is it group therapy, it's a room full of women who are in different stages, but when I feel like "what the f*** am I supposed to do with this sh**????" I at least have a group of women who just get it. One of the ladies talked me into touching base again with House of Ruth, because they do individual counseling. And we were talking about the benefit of just having someone to talk through some of the BS we've had to deal with that week and it just be about my situation. I wan't ready for one-on-one, but I love/need the group, and now I know how to focus individual counseling. I need to sit down with someone every week and say "This MFer did this!!!" And walk out of there in a short time with the tools I need that week to handle it without losing it.

[daisygirl]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

OP!!!!!!!! OMG, I wish we could get coffee or have drinks. I might login so that you can PM me. I'm not just there, thought I got over it, still in the middle of a bad divorce, but somehow this week (probably holidays) crying over the fact that I'm trying to rationalize why I should have stayed and trying to minimize his abuse so I make myself feel like leaving was the wrong decision. I know exactly what I'm doing when I get on that thought train and I know what to tell myself to snap right out of it. But, it sucks and no matter what I did, I'm always stuck with this a**hole's bullsh** and no matter what I do or don't do, I am never going to get him out of my life. I'm stuck with him.

To answer your question about how to get over this:

1. Remind yourself constantly that leaving was the right decision. You made the right decision by leaving, because staying in that situation for me would have led to things way worse than what you feel right now.

2. By leaving, you have a chance of modeling appropriate relationships for your kids in the future. That's 1 of 2 reasons I left when I did.

3. Remember that his girlfriend is not only his next victim of abuse, but that he is using her on purpose to continue to abuse you. His intention is to get a reaction from you. Google some articles about gaslighting and "crazy-makers" just to go back to abuse basics and remind yourself that this is just a show. It's your choice to play into this game, and all the times we feed into it teaches us exactly what we have to do to not feed that jacka**.

4. I'm in PG County and there are some domestic violence resources I found beneficial. I go to a weekly DV woman's support group at the Family Crisis Center inside the Beltway. The Family Justice Center in Upper Marlboro also has a support group. I love going, because not only is it group therapy, it's a room full of women who are in different stages, but when I feel like "what the f*** am I supposed to do with this sh**????" I at least have a group of women who just get it. One of the ladies talked me into touching base again with House of Ruth, because they do individual counseling. And we were talking about the benefit of just having someone to talk through some of the BS we've had to deal with that week and it just be about my situation. I wan't ready for one-on-one, but I love/need the group, and now I know how to focus individual counseling. I need to sit down with someone every week and say "This MFer did this!!!" And walk out of there in a short time with the tools I need that week to handle it without losing it.

OP, this is my account, if you want to create an account and private message me to meet up for support.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore these rude people who are blaming you. Most of these smug people have no idea what it’s like to be with someone who mentally/emotionally abuses you. Nobody jumps into a relationship with an abusive partner ( obviously), we are tricked into these kinds of relationships and taken advantage of.

IM in a similar situation, but I’m still stuck in this marriage trying to figure out the best way to get out. The best thing you can do now is to go no contact and do parallel parenting. He can’t demand respect for his girlfriend or expect anything from you, he said it himself you are nothing to him so why dignify his demands? Look up narcissistic personality disorder and also check out chump lady’s website. Please don’t allow him to make you feel worthless, thats exactly what he wants, it’s his goal to suck the life out of you (that’s what abusers do). Be strong and hang in there, find a good therapist (cognitive behavior therapy helped me a bit). Good luck to you!

[daisygirl]

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

OP, I'm sorry for so many responses from me. I just reread your post and I missed where you said you got out because the assessment by me and multiple professionals was leave or be killed. I was there, too. I'm still there. I left two years ago, and completely feel you that I'm looking at this whole situation going "well, not sure either choice (stay/leave) was the better one." I know he doesn't plan on leaving me alone, and the end result of that is only going to result in my death. He's just trying to figure out how to do it and make it look like it was my fault. I'm giving him fewer options to do that over the years. And while sometimes I'm nice to him, I'm not an idiot or blind anymore. He's trying to find a way for me to put my defenses down long enough to pull it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

I have so many thoughts. First of all- ignore the troll victim-blamers. They have no idea what a real abusive relationship is like. They should read the hashtag why I stayed threads on social media. Or they could be those MRA man-babies.

Second- he will always try to treat you badly. That's just how abusers are. You have to not let him get to you. Honestly that whole praise the GF thing is so over the top- its actually hilarious if you step back and observe. He sounds like a petulant toddler who doesn't want to go to bed so calls you a Poopyhead. I don't let my feelings get hurt by petulant toddlers and neither should you. Just try to "Grey Rock: him. When he says outrageous BS just maintain the most placid face you can and make a non-committal noise, just like you would do if a kid called you a Meanie. If he texts you some toddler madness- just ignore it. Only respond when it has something to do with your kids.

Third, You did NOT lose your family!! You have your daughters and you are alive. It is vital that you understand that by getting out of this marriage- you now are the Safe Haven for your girls. Make their home as loving, nurturing and blissful as you can. Give them so many compliments that they blush.

And you know what you gained ---now you get to reclaim YOU! What do you like to do? What are your interests? I remember the first time I went grocery shopping without my ex- we had always had to shop together so he could be a cheap ass micromanager. But the day I could walk into the good grocery store and not Food Lion- and buy whatever the F I wanted with my own money??!! That felt AMAZING! I was FREEEEEEEE!! I know it sounds dumb but you now need to focus on YOU! Do you want to decorate your place with only Hello Kitty art and stuffed animals! GREAT! Do you want to take up Roller Derby? GREAT!

You need to rediscover yourself. Go and try some Meetups with activities you might like. Go hiking, take a cooking class. Build up your self-esteem. If you get a boyfriend- do NOT tell your ex or kids about him unless its getting extremely serious. I would not recommend dating until you feel better about yourself- but if you meet a young piece of man candy looking for a FWB GO FOR IT!

[Anonymous]

You take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Stop responding to his messages (you can ask that all communication be done via email and then block his number from your phone - that way when an email comes in that isn’t about the kids it goes into a different folder and is hidden), stop reading them if you can.

Therapy is tricky and doesn’t always work - if you were in couples counseling it’ll be hard to find a counselor that you trust, couples therapy is NOT indicated in abusive situations because it gives the abuser more tools to abuse you with. I’m sorry your counselors didn’t seek to end the sessions, they should have and that was irresponsible.

Are you fully divorced yet? Or is it still in progress? The court process for me was very difficult because the court appearances were torture - filled with my ex trying to convince the judge that I wasn’t capable of raising our child, that I’m crazy, that I have severe mental illness (all untrue, our child is happy and healthy years later), and it was so hard.

Once the court stuff ended I was able to start healing, but it took a long time. Years. It still comes up, but less often and I’m in a new, healthy, relationship now.

You did the right thing by leaving. Try to go easy on yourself, you’re going to get through this.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the PPs, especially daisy girl. I’llsee If I can find a domestic violence group in my area, and if I can’t a DM is definitely coming your way, DG. I am in MoCo, right over the DC line, but IWork downtown, so maybe there is aDC group, too. Thanks for articulating this so well, PPs!