How Do You REALLY Get Over Abusive Ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

That’s not how cancer works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

That’s not how cancer works.

That id how abuse works.

Pp here. Cancer is easier to thrive in environments (bodies) that are not at their optimum health. Abuse leads to anxiety and then a weakened immune system. And there is less time/energy to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. I had HPV, which is vommon, and they said the only way to cure it wad to take care of myself and get plenty of rest. Abuse and leaving abuse does not allow space for that. So, it is reasonable to estimate that if she ended up with cancer, she wouldn't be able to fight it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore these rude people who are blaming you. Most of these smug people have no idea what it’s like to be with someone who mentally/emotionally abuses you. Nobody jumps into a relationship with an abusive partner ( obviously), we are tricked into these kinds of relationships and taken advantage of.

IM in a similar situation, but I’m still stuck in this marriage trying to figure out the best way to get out. The best thing you can do now is to go no contact and do parallel parenting. He can’t demand respect for his girlfriend or expect anything from you, he said it himself you are nothing to him so why dignify his demands? Look up narcissistic personality disorder and also check out chump lady’s website. Please don’t allow him to make you feel worthless, thats exactly what he wants, it’s his goal to suck the life out of you (that’s what abusers do). Be strong and hang in there, find a good therapist (cognitive behavior therapy helped me a bit). Good luck to you!

No one was blaming her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore these rude people who are blaming you. Most of these smug people have no idea what it’s like to be with someone who mentally/emotionally abuses you. Nobody jumps into a relationship with an abusive partner ( obviously), we are tricked into these kinds of relationships and taken advantage of.

IM in a similar situation, but I’m still stuck in this marriage trying to figure out the best way to get out. The best thing you can do now is to go no contact and do parallel parenting. He can’t demand respect for his girlfriend or expect anything from you, he said it himself you are nothing to him so why dignify his demands? Look up narcissistic personality disorder and also check out chump lady’s website. Please don’t allow him to make you feel worthless, thats exactly what he wants, it’s his goal to suck the life out of you (that’s what abusers do). Be strong and hang in there, find a good therapist (cognitive behavior therapy helped me a bit). Good luck to you!

No one was blaming her.

There were several nasty posts blaming OP but I guess they got deleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

That’s not how cancer works.

People can definitely develop cancer from extreme stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me. A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.

That’s not how cancer works.

People can definitely develop cancer from extreme stress.

+1

[Anonymous]

Oh geez - the only reason such nonsense gets to you is you are stuck in thinking you are the center of the universe really truly can make other people think and act how you want because they are just waiting for you to tell them how to do it.

What your ex write is just silly and laughable. No actual adult reading or hearing it outside of you beloved this or takes it seriously. It sounds like something a deaparate teen would say because they are young and immature. Nothing you say or do in response will make him change his mind. Nothing. And it’s not you because his current girlfriend - he says the exact same to her so don’t feel special.

If he texts you something like this, screenshot and ignore. There is literally no response needed. None at all.

He says to you in person ? Walk away and leave and never ever make the excuse that you can’t. It is always an option so do it. If he tries the old silly “you can’t walk away from me!”, just keep walking because yes you can and he already knows that.

On the phone, you just say “good bye” and hang up and yes it is really ok to just hang up on someone like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to the PPs, especially daisy girl. I’llsee If I can find a domestic violence group in my area, and if I can’t a DM is definitely coming your way, DG. I am in MoCo, right over the DC line, but IWork downtown, so maybe there is aDC group, too. Thanks for articulating this so well, PPs!

Here are a few things that can make your life hopefully a little easier:

1. Go to the Mo Co Family Justice Center. They can help you get a protective order so that he can't contact you unless it is about the kids. And they can help you with these two services:
-----You can exchange the kids for custody at the Safe Passage Center. That way you don't have to see him. They have separate entrances for the parents, and staggered leaving times.
-----If you want to change your phone number and block it from him, there is an app that can allow the two of you to communicate about the kids without having to give your new phone number out. The one hitch with this is that he also has to agree to use it.

You got out. You survived. You can do this.