Reply to How Do You REALLY Get Over Abusive Ex?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We have the kids 50/50, so true no contact is not an option. I really thought once we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, he would stop lashing out at me.  A recent gem:

The fact that you were married to me for almost 20 years and bore my two daughters means nothing to me and is no reason for me to be civil to you. The ONLY thing that will result in my being civil to you is if you are nice to my girlfriend and praise her (I’ve never met the woman).

I know this guy is twisted six ways to Sunday. Yet I keep thinking, what was the point of getting out? If he is going to keep treating me terribly and rubbing his girlfriend in my face, I might as well have stayed married and at least then there would be no girlfriend and her kids to take on fancy vacation while my daughters are made to feel illegitimate somehow.

I don’t know how to get over this. I lost my family, and for what? I got out because I thought if I stayed even another year I would be dead - either he would have killed me (two separate therapists warned me about my safety), I would have committed suicide, or I would have gotten cancer. Right now, being dead looks like a pretty good alternative. I don’t even know what the point of getting out was if this was the result.[/quote]

I have so many thoughts. First of all- ignore the troll victim-blamers. They have no idea what a real abusive relationship is like. They should read the hashtag why I stayed threads on social media. Or they could be those MRA man-babies.

Second- he will always try to treat you badly. That's just how abusers are. You have to not let him get to you. Honestly that whole praise the GF thing is so over the top- its actually hilarious if you step back and observe. He sounds like a petulant toddler who doesn't want to go to bed so calls you a Poopyhead. I don't let my feelings get hurt by petulant toddlers and neither should you. Just try to "Grey Rock: him. When he says outrageous BS just maintain the most placid face you can and make a non-committal noise, just like you would do if a kid called you a Meanie. If he texts you some toddler madness- just ignore it. Only respond when it has something to do with your kids.

Third, You did NOT lose your family!! You have your daughters and you are alive. It is vital that you understand that by getting out of this marriage- you now are the Safe Haven for your girls. Make their home as loving, nurturing and blissful as you can. Give them so many compliments that they blush.

And you know what you gained ---now you get to reclaim YOU! What do you like to do? What are your interests? I remember the first time I went grocery shopping without my ex- we had always had to shop together so he could be a cheap ass micromanager. But the day I could walk into the good grocery store and not Food Lion- and buy whatever the F I wanted with my own money??!! That felt AMAZING! I was FREEEEEEEE!! I know it sounds dumb but you now need to focus on YOU! Do you want to decorate your place with only Hello Kitty art and stuffed animals! GREAT! Do you want to take up Roller Derby? GREAT!

You need to rediscover yourself. Go and try some Meetups with activities you might like. Go hiking, take a cooking class. Build up your self-esteem. If you get a boyfriend- do NOT tell your ex or kids about him unless its getting extremely serious. I would not recommend dating until you feel better about yourself- but if you meet a young piece of man candy looking for a FWB GO FOR IT!  :lol: [/quote]

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