Thriving in neighborhood despite mean neighbors - give me hope

[Anonymous]

We have a bunch of mean-girl-mom neighbors who’ve been cruel and deliberately exclusive to me and my children for various reasons over the years. I’ve tried everything to avoid being the target of their weird bullying — being nice, inclusive, cheerful, playing small, playing quiet, etc. Have accepted I won’t be buddies with these people, but having my kids excluded from the neighborhood kid events hurts (unofficial get togethers, no HOA), yes even if we “wouldn’t want them for friends anyway.” It especially stings on snow days and times like those, where kids just casually get together and roam around the streets together, and I feel like my kids are missing out. It’s not bad enough to move, but bad enough that we’ve thought about it. I hate the idea that my kids will be growing up without neighborhood buddies, and never knew how hurtful a pack of mean girl grownups down the block could be. Coping advice? I want to thrive living here, but instead just woke up this morning hating my neighbors for doing this to my kids.

[Anonymous]

What neighborhood is this? Other moms are cruel to you?

Is it possible that you're creating a scenario in your mind that might not be reflective of reality because I can't imagine that all moms in your neighborhood are cruel

[Anonymous]

We used to live in a neighborhood like that. I actually ended up rounding up some other neighbors that felt similarly about the Mean Girl pack and we formed a book club. About six months later, some of the "mean girls" heard about it and wanted to join. I just let them know what the rules were for choosing books, hosting, discussions, etc... and they joined. We've all become reasonably friendly at this point.

I think it killed them that there was something "mom" going on in the neighborhood that they weren't in on. They still aren't my best friends but it's not weird for my kids to play with theirs at the playground anymore.

[Anonymous]

Do their kids exclude your kids? I get that maybe you won't all be invited for cocoa and cookies afterwards, but if there are kids playing together outside in common areas, I can't imagine that your children would be snubbed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do their kids exclude your kids? I get that maybe you won't all be invited for cocoa and cookies afterwards, but if there are kids playing together outside in common areas, I can't imagine that your children would be snubbed...

That's what I'm wondering too. When the kids are roaming around, can't your kids go out? How would the relationship between the kids' respective mothers be relevant?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? I feel that when your kids are younger and you are still arranging their social calendar - the mean parents can have sway. But once they hit upper elementary and certainly middle school - they start to make their own plans and have friends that are based on their interest. I can see it sucking but as long as your kids have friends...

[Anonymous]

PP above...I would say that I can probably be a "mean mom" at times - I'm certainly not going to hang out with someone I don't like. But, I would never prevent my child from playing with another child or denying their request to facilitate unless I deemed the parent unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do their kids exclude your kids? I get that maybe you won't all be invited for cocoa and cookies afterwards, but if there are kids playing together outside in common areas, I can't imagine that your children would be snubbed...

Yes, they do. My kids hear on the bus from some of the other kids that their moms don’t like us, so they can’t play with my kids except at recess at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? I feel that when your kids are younger and you are still arranging their social calendar - the mean parents can have sway. But once they hit upper elementary and certainly middle school - they start to make their own plans and have friends that are based on their interest. I can see it sucking but as long as your kids have friends...

Age is definitely part of it — my kids are KG and 2nd grade — so I do feel like it will be easier when my kids can make their own playdates.

[Anonymous]

I’d move. No reason to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What neighborhood is this? Other moms are cruel to you?

Is it possible that you're creating a scenario in your mind that might not be reflective of reality because I can't imagine that all moms in your neighborhood are cruel

I agree.

Regarding the snow day example, sometimes neighborhood kids come knocking, but most of the times I just kick my kids outside and tell them to find someone to play with. They follow the noose, and always end up with a group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to live in a neighborhood like that. I actually ended up rounding up some other neighbors that felt similarly about the Mean Girl pack and we formed a book club. About six months later, some of the "mean girls" heard about it and wanted to join. I just let them know what the rules were for choosing books, hosting, discussions, etc... and they joined. We've all become reasonably friendly at this point.

I think it killed them that there was something "mom" going on in the neighborhood that they weren't in on. They still aren't my best friends but it's not weird for my kids to play with theirs at the playground anymore.

This is good advice. There have to be some nice people in the neighborhood you can approach. Book club, or it is a good time of year to invite a bunch of neighbors to an open house. A lot of people will drop by just to get to know their neighbors. Invite or don't invite the mean moms (it doesn't matter) but if you do invite enough people that if they don't show its still a good crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do their kids exclude your kids? I get that maybe you won't all be invited for cocoa and cookies afterwards, but if there are kids playing together outside in common areas, I can't imagine that your children would be snubbed...

Yes, they do. My kids hear on the bus from some of the other kids that their moms don’t like us, so they can’t play with my kids except at recess at school.

There must be other people in the neighborhood. Host something for the neighborhood or start your own neighborhood listserv. As your kids get older they’ll have so many other friends it won’t affect them that much. Do they have friends from school? Invite them over regularly so your kids have friends to play with.

[Anonymous]

That is awful your kids are hearing that on the bus? Rise above it, branch out. The Moms sound dreadful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is awful your kids are hearing that on the bus? Rise above it, branch out. The Moms sound dreadful.

Yeah that’s the part that really got me. So I know deep down it’s a “blessing in disguise” to not be included in their activities and events — because they are mean bad people — but I hate having to live near anyone who treats me or my family this way. I do believe living well is the best revenge but I want what I can’t have and don’t have control over — decent humans in the neighborhood.