Thriving in neighborhood despite mean neighbors - give me hope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do their kids exclude your kids? I get that maybe you won't all be invited for cocoa and cookies afterwards, but if there are kids playing together outside in common areas, I can't imagine that your children would be snubbed...

Yes, they do. My kids hear on the bus from some of the other kids that their moms don’t like us, so they can’t play with my kids except at recess at school.

This is so weird. Did something happen to make them dislike you? Its just so weird!

I don't think it is weird, at all. DP here. It is fairly common, or at least more common than you would think. Some moms are terribly insecure and go to extremes. The mean girl dynamic is alive and well in certain neighborhoods. If only people could tell which, before they buy a house, so they don't waste their time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d move. No reason to live like that.

You'd move, as in "sell your house and go live elsewhere because some strangers two blocks down the road are not inviting your offspring to a barbeque?"
Must really stink to be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d move. No reason to live like that.

You'd move, as in "sell your house and go live elsewhere because some strangers two blocks down the road are not inviting your offspring to a barbeque?"
Must really stink to be you.

That was harsh, PP. OP, I would only move if you fear for your safety. Have you had an interaction with a certain neighbor that leads you to believe that might be an issue? An attorney would ask you certain questions about that, and ask you what measures you wish to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted before about my culture shock when we moved to Vienna from PG county as a black family. I loved our old neighborhood. People were kind, watched out for each other and it was a really gorgeous place full of Victorians. It was nice, but DH's job moved to Tysons and commute is king around here so we landed in Vienna.

And holy heck! The moms were awful to me. Awful. Rude. Dismissive. Unfriendly. I made one friend a working mom (I am a SAHM) and our kids hung out a bit, I'd keep her kid with mine during the zillion snow days. We built a solid friendship.

What really helped was that I led a daisy troop when my oldest started K. It was a ton of work but we've made friends. It's been years since we moved and it was a slow, slow process. Yes, there are there stuck up B's running around. Yes, people ask if we "live" in our school zone or place in (we live in the damn zone). People act shocked when they come over but yes, we have money despite me driving an old ass Camry. I'm not a car person, fwiw.

My advice OP is to keep it moving. Keep positive. Keep it cute. But keep it moving along. Don't get involved in the mess and keep your kids busy and happy and healthy. The rest will come in due time.

Oh I am so very sorry that happened to you.What a bunch of prejudiced a$$Holes. Sounds like they missed out on being friends with an awesome person.

Also...yet another example that money does not equal class!!

[Anonymous]

Can you be more specific? How old are your kids vs their kid's ages? Can you give examples of what they have done and how many years has this been going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above...I would say that I can probably be a "mean mom" at times - I'm certainly not going to hang out with someone I don't like. But, I would never prevent my child from playing with another child or denying their request to facilitate unless I deemed the parent unsafe.

How can you hate someone you don't even know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a bunch of mean-girl-mom neighbors who’ve been cruel and deliberately exclusive to me and my children for various reasons over the years. I’ve tried everything to avoid being the target of their weird bullying — being nice, inclusive, cheerful, playing small, playing quiet, etc. Have accepted I won’t be buddies with these people, but having my kids excluded from the neighborhood kid events hurts (unofficial get togethers, no HOA), yes even if we “wouldn’t want them for friends anyway.” It especially stings on snow days and times like those, where kids just casually get together and roam around the streets together, and I feel like my kids are missing out. It’s not bad enough to move, but bad enough that we’ve thought about it. I hate the idea that my kids will be growing up without neighborhood buddies, and never knew how hurtful a pack of mean girl grownups down the block could be. Coping advice? I want to thrive living here, but instead just woke up this morning hating my neighbors for doing this to my kids.

What does this even mean? Why should you have to change who you are, OP - just because these mean girls are insecure and catty? No, I don't think so. Were their husbands saying "why can't (their wife) be more like (you)?" or something? You don't have to change who you are for anyone. Besides, it doesn't matter who you are, they would still have a problem with someone - they are that type of people. Who needs to be around people who act like that?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible there’s another side of the story? Our neighborhood has a group of kids who tend to all play together after school. There is a group of families who tend to volunteer to host... and there are two families who have never stepped up, or even invited all/some of the kids to play at another day/time that works for them.

The result is that when there are half days or snow days or rainy/cold/muddy days when kids stay indoors and are passed from house to house, no one reaches out to the freeloader families. And when the weather is nice and folks decide to get together, those families are again often left out. We like them. But we are tired of being their default babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Give up your ideal of neighborhood friends for your kids. I had to do this too though not because of mean moms but because the kids just weren't the right ages or temperments. But people move and maybe when they are older they will have it? Or maybe not. I have such great memories of neighborhood friends. But my kids have lots of things I don't have and won't miss something they never knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give up your ideal of neighborhood friends for your kids. I had to do this too though not because of mean moms but because the kids just weren't the right ages or temperments. But people move and maybe when they are older they will have it? Or maybe not. I have such great memories of neighborhood friends. But my kids have lots of things I don't have and won't miss something they never knew.

This is definitely part of it — giving up the ideal of neighborhood friends for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give up your ideal of neighborhood friends for your kids. I had to do this too though not because of mean moms but because the kids just weren't the right ages or temperments. But people move and maybe when they are older they will have it? Or maybe not. I have such great memories of neighborhood friends. But my kids have lots of things I don't have and won't miss something they never knew.

This is definitely part of it — giving up the ideal of neighborhood friends for kids.

DP, but I totally feel this way, too. It's hard to let go, but then there are many great things that our kids have, as PP noted.

And to the PPs who keep insisting there must be a mistake or another side or whatever: there actually are adults who act in mean and exclusive ways. People who experience that aren't crazy or imagining things or bringing it upon themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give up your ideal of neighborhood friends for your kids. I had to do this too though not because of mean moms but because the kids just weren't the right ages or temperments. But people move and maybe when they are older they will have it? Or maybe not. I have such great memories of neighborhood friends. But my kids have lots of things I don't have and won't miss something they never knew.

This is definitely part of it — giving up the ideal of neighborhood friends for kids.

DP, but I totally feel this way, too. It's hard to let go, but then there are many great things that our kids have, as PP noted.

And to the PPs who keep insisting there must be a mistake or another side or whatever: there actually are adults who act in mean and exclusive ways. People who experience that aren't crazy or imagining things or bringing it upon themselves.

+1

[Anonymous]

Are these moms PTA moms?

[Anonymous]

What is "playing small"?

To be clear, I think it's terrible that they're excluding your kids no matter how they feel about you, but your initial description just reminded me of people I've known who would describe themselves as having "big personalities."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these moms PTA moms?

OP here. Ha, yes. They are PTA moms/“class room moms” and we do live walking distance to the elementary school. So interesting that people nailed those details.