If you divorce when kids are teens

[Anonymous]

Can they basically choose with which parent they want to live?

[Anonymous]

Not really...depends on the age and what state you are in as to how it is handled. Preferences of teens are usually heard but it doesn’t determine custody rights definitively.

[Anonymous]

Legally usually not, but consider carefully if you really want to try to force them onto a custody arrangement they dislike. It may involve a lot of conflict, and to what benefit?

[Anonymous]

Family law is very state-dependent. So it depends on your state.

In Va, and most states, the court may consider the child's wishes (and more consideration is given to the child as they are older). See https://www.familylawva.com/a-comprehensive-guide-to-child-custody-and-visitation/

But, the child doesn't just get to decide. It's a matter of how much weight the judge will give to the child/teen's perspective.

[Anonymous]

I got divorced when my D was 12-14ish. It was hellishly contentious and leading up to it my D went through various periods of up to several months where she would not see or speak to me.

However, I was adamant that we would have 50/50 custody and I simply told my ex and her counsel that I would accept nothing less. I said that without this I would fight in court until the very day D turned 18 and we would likely be bankrupt and possibly in deep debt for legal fees. I was willing to absolutely destroy our financial life over this and never wavered from making sure everyone knew that.

The reason I took this position was that I love my D and as far as I was concerned, my heart and door was always open. If she chose to not walk through and be in each other's lives, that was her choice (and frankly due to no small amount of her mother's influence).

I wanted the final judgement to be 50/50 and then I would deal with whatever the reality was after that. If my D refused to come see me then I would be patient and do what I could to heal the relationship because it would be on our terms. If there was a Court order that had skewed custody in it and denied equal time with both parents then I would not have the same chance.

My advice to anyone in a divorce proceeding and sorting out custody is to stand firm on 50/50 because it's in the best interest of the child to have the family (even in it's new divided form) work things out, not the Court System or Judge who looks at things for 20 minutes and makes a decision that will affects lives for years and years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced when my D was 12-14ish. It was hellishly contentious and leading up to it my D went through various periods of up to several months where she would not see or speak to me.

However, I was adamant that we would have 50/50 custody and I simply told my ex and her counsel that I would accept nothing less. I said that without this I would fight in court until the very day D turned 18 and we would likely be bankrupt and possibly in deep debt for legal fees. I was willing to absolutely destroy our financial life over this and never wavered from making sure everyone knew that.

The reason I took this position was that I love my D and as far as I was concerned, my heart and door was always open. If she chose to not walk through and be in each other's lives, that was her choice (and frankly due to no small amount of her mother's influence).

I wanted the final judgement to be 50/50 and then I would deal with whatever the reality was after that. If my D refused to come see me then I would be patient and do what I could to heal the relationship because it would be on our terms. If there was a Court order that had skewed custody in it and denied equal time with both parents then I would not have the same chance.

My advice to anyone in a divorce proceeding and sorting out custody is to stand firm on 50/50 because it's in the best interest of the child to have the family (even in it's new divided form) work things out, not the Court System or Judge who looks at things for 20 minutes and makes a decision that will affects lives for years and years.

I disagree that it is in the child’s best interests to drag out a divorce and spend endless money on custody. It is also not a way to build a relationship you may not have with your child. Teens spend the vast amount of time at school and with friends. If it were me, I’d consider how much of the parenting and planning (i.e. mental load) each parent has taken on in their lives and try to adjust custody time accordingly to ensure not much disruption in the Teen’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree that it is in the child’s best interests to drag out a divorce and spend endless money on custody. It is also not a way to build a relationship you may not have with your child. Teens spend the vast amount of time at school and with friends. If it were me, I’d consider how much of the parenting and planning (i.e. mental load) each parent has taken on in their lives and try to adjust custody time accordingly to ensure not much disruption in the Teen’s life.

Well, again, my position was different for what was in the court order and what was be reality. Here's why:

I am 100% of the opinion that the best people to parent the child are the parents, and it's incumbent on them to be adults and get along so they can co-parent the child with love and best interest at the forefront of all decisions.

I also think that any Court order that restricts EITHER parent's time with the child should only be there if there is true danger to the child (which 99% of the time there is not). It's crucial during the tween and teen years that kids develop a relationship with both parents because these are the foundational years and this will largely dictate what the next 60 years may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced when my D was 12-14ish. It was hellishly contentious and leading up to it my D went through various periods of up to several months where she would not see or speak to me.

However, I was adamant that we would have 50/50 custody and I simply told my ex and her counsel that I would accept nothing less. I said that without this I would fight in court until the very day D turned 18 and we would likely be bankrupt and possibly in deep debt for legal fees. I was willing to absolutely destroy our financial life over this and never wavered from making sure everyone knew that.

The reason I took this position was that I love my D and as far as I was concerned, my heart and door was always open. If she chose to not walk through and be in each other's lives, that was her choice (and frankly due to no small amount of her mother's influence).

I wanted the final judgement to be 50/50 and then I would deal with whatever the reality was after that. If my D refused to come see me then I would be patient and do what I could to heal the relationship because it would be on our terms. If there was a Court order that had skewed custody in it and denied equal time with both parents then I would not have the same chance.

My advice to anyone in a divorce proceeding and sorting out custody is to stand firm on 50/50 because it's in the best interest of the child to have the family (even in it's new divided form) work things out, not the Court System or Judge who looks at things for 20 minutes and makes a decision that will affects lives for years and years.

How has it worked out? Do you have a close relationship with D? Does she spend 50% of the time with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How has it worked out? Do you have a close relationship with D? Does she spend 50% of the time with you?

Thanks for asking. Yes, she is 50/50 every other week and it has worked out very well. Though we still have the normal teen/parent drama we have a great relationship and say "I love you" at all goodbyes and phone calls and are able to really talk about important things.

I give her plenty of space and also insist she be a participating member of the household and family... which sometimes takes some prodding as she is a teenager after all .

But I share all this in hopes of helping anyone going through this ridiculous and heinous process which can do horrific damage to even the most reasonable and stable people.

Remember, I went from zero contact to being an equal parent of my daughter with a good relationship. I felt, when I had zero contact, that I had nothing to lose, so why not lose it all? Why on earth would anyone give up one inch or ounce of custody time they are entitled to?

We are parents forever but in reality, we only have a few years when the kids are truly in our lives every day because after they launch to go chase their dreams, they are on their own course and we can hope for a few days or weeks a year.

I hope it works out well for anyone going through this and I would do anything I ever could to be of help to someone who needs support or advice for navigating this insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced when my D was 12-14ish. It was hellishly contentious and leading up to it my D went through various periods of up to several months where she would not see or speak to me.

However, I was adamant that we would have 50/50 custody and I simply told my ex and her counsel that I would accept nothing less. I said that without this I would fight in court until the very day D turned 18 and we would likely be bankrupt and possibly in deep debt for legal fees. I was willing to absolutely destroy our financial life over this and never wavered from making sure everyone knew that.

The reason I took this position was that I love my D and as far as I was concerned, my heart and door was always open. If she chose to not walk through and be in each other's lives, that was her choice (and frankly due to no small amount of her mother's influence).

I wanted the final judgement to be 50/50 and then I would deal with whatever the reality was after that. If my D refused to come see me then I would be patient and do what I could to heal the relationship because it would be on our terms. If there was a Court order that had skewed custody in it and denied equal time with both parents then I would not have the same chance.

My advice to anyone in a divorce proceeding and sorting out custody is to stand firm on 50/50 because it's in the best interest of the child to have the family (even in it's new divided form) work things out, not the Court System or Judge who looks at things for 20 minutes and makes a decision that will affects lives for years and years.

sounds like you were a cheater / walked out on your family and then tried to force your kid to stay in contact. nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like you were a cheater / walked out on your family and then tried to force your kid to stay in contact. nice.

Nope. Sounds like a father determined to be a good, involved parent.

But you know what? Even cheaters can (and should) get 50/50 custody if they want it.

[Anonymous]

Funny that you think it is in the child's best interest to have to live in a different house each week --- or live out of a suitcase shifting back and forth every 2-3 days. Who would want to live like a nomad? It would be incredibly disruptive. Your child could have a lot more stability living primarily in one home. The other parent (who has secondary custody/time) can still have a positive relationship with the child.

From my observations, the dad fights for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support. It is always about the money....and usually means the child will pay the price in stress....if the kid has to shuffle back and forth constantly.

The parents are the ones who gave up on the marriage...why should the kid be inconvenienced and stressed and have to live out of a suitcase b/c the parents couldn't get their act together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that it is in the child’s best interests to drag out a divorce and spend endless money on custody. It is also not a way to build a relationship you may not have with your child. Teens spend the vast amount of time at school and with friends. If it were me, I’d consider how much of the parenting and planning (i.e. mental load) each parent has taken on in their lives and try to adjust custody time accordingly to ensure not much disruption in the Teen’s life.

You sound like a typical bitter woman who thinks she should get all the money and all the custody and her ex-husband should just go away and restrict himself to sending a check every month. "Bad ATM, stop thinking you have any right to see your own child!"

Yeah, the "best way to build a relationship with your child" is definitely to roll over and give the other parent full custody, so you're basically reduced to being an occasional visitor in their lives, and meanwhile your ex disses you to them and moans about she carries all the "mental load" (which is a bunch of made-up bullsht).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny that you think it is in the child's best interest to have to live in a different house each week --- or live out of a suitcase shifting back and forth every 2-3 days. Who would want to live like a nomad? It would be incredibly disruptive. Your child could have a lot more stability living primarily in one home. The other parent (who has secondary custody/time) can still have a positive relationship with the child.

From my observations, the dad fights for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support. It is always about the money....and usually means the child will pay the price in stress....if the kid has to shuffle back and forth constantly.

The parents are the ones who gave up on the marriage...why should the kid be inconvenienced and stressed and have to live out of a suitcase b/c the parents couldn't get their act together?

From my observations its the mom's who fight for full custody to maximize their child support. Kids need equal time with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny that you think it is in the child's best interest to have to live in a different house each week --- or live out of a suitcase shifting back and forth every 2-3 days. Who would want to live like a nomad? It would be incredibly disruptive. Your child could have a lot more stability living primarily in one home. The other parent (who has secondary custody/time) can still have a positive relationship with the child. [OK, so you're totally willing for the non-custodial parent to be you, right? No wait, there are a million reasons why you can't be the "secondary" parent. But thanks for your transparently dishonest rationalization for why you should get everything you want.]

From my observations, the dad fights for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support. It is always about the money....and usually means the child will pay the price in stress....if the kid has to shuffle back and forth constantly. [From my observation, women fight for full custody because they want to milk more child support out of the dad. It is always about the money, and these women couldn't care less that reduction in the father's role has a profoundly negative influence on the children]

The parents are the ones who gave up on the marriage...why should the kid be inconvenienced and stressed and have to live out of a suitcase b/c the parents couldn't get their act together? [Don't pretend this is about anything other than YOUR convenience and what YOU want.]