If you divorce when kids are teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in Maryland. My lawyers and XDH’s lawyers told us the judge would let teen DS choose which parent to live with, so that’s what we did. DS chose to live with me 100% of the time (I’m the mom). XDH didn’t contest the arrangement and met DS every week or two for brunch.

(Not relevant to OP’s question, but the only push-back from XDH was that he lied to friends and family that DS was splitting his time between us, and even tried to lie to his lawyer to get out of child support. But you’d better believe I pushed back on that.)

Your Ex is a shitty father and a shitty human being. That being the case, it's just as well he didn't want 50/50.

Or, maybe that is the only contact Mom would allow and she is the shitty one. If they said kid can pick and mom pushes kid to pick her and not have contact with Dad, its very possible Dad gave up based off his attorneys advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like you were a cheater / walked out on your family and then tried to force your kid to stay in contact. nice.

Nope. Sounds like a father determined to be a good, involved parent.

But you know what? Even cheaters can (and should) get 50/50 custody if they want it.

Agree. The lynchmob is already out.

Despite the cheating, unless there is gross parental negligence or one spouse is completely incapable of parenting alone, custody default should ALWAYS be 50-50. Otherwise, the kid(s) loses at the end of the day.

My husband's ex cheated and took the kids one day at work to boyfriends/moving cross country without his knowledge. She still got full custody and despite the many court hearings no judge would hold her accountable when she refused visits and phone calls. This was many years ago but still the reality for some Dad's. Cheating should be taken into consideration for custody - I don't get how people excuse it.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always thought that if I truly couldn’t wait u til my kids were out of the house, I’d enroll them in boarding school. They could switch off holidays and school breaks but otherwise not have to deal with the unpleasantness that occurs during the divorce process or be a pawn for the parents who can’t stand to live under the same roof for a few more years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

+1

Not really. I had a choice between two horrible parents. I chose the less horrible one to live with. My mom was a martyr who would put me down all the time and my dad had a destructive narcissistic personality. My dad fortunately didn't want to pay child support so he kept his temper mostly under control until I graduated from college on scholarship.

How does this disprove the point? It proves it perfectly. They made you choose because they were BOTH destructive, narcissistic, and evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in Maryland. My lawyers and XDH’s lawyers told us the judge would let teen DS choose which parent to live with, so that’s what we did. DS chose to live with me 100% of the time (I’m the mom). XDH didn’t contest the arrangement and met DS every week or two for brunch.

(Not relevant to OP’s question, but the only push-back from XDH was that he lied to friends and family that DS was splitting his time between us, and even tried to lie to his lawyer to get out of child support. But you’d better believe I pushed back on that.)

Your Ex is a shitty father and a shitty human being. That being the case, it's just as well he didn't want 50/50.

Or, maybe that is the only contact Mom would allow and she is the shitty one. If they said kid can pick and mom pushes kid to pick her and not have contact with Dad, its very possible Dad gave up based off his attorneys advice.

Doubtful. I'd burn everything to the ground before I'd accept that deal, and lawyer's advice be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

Most judges talk with the kid(s) privately and don’t reveal what their preferences were. They will minimize the extent to which they took the kid’s preferences into account, even if they gave them substantial weight, to help insulate the kid from parental resentment or hurt feelings. Most judges can tell when a kid has been coached on what to say (and know which lawyers tend to coach) and don’t reward it. They can tell which kids have it together enough to have a thoughtful opinion on the custody arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

Most judges talk with the kid(s) privately and don’t reveal what their preferences were. They will minimize the extent to which they took the kid’s preferences into account, even if they gave them substantial weight, to help insulate the kid from parental resentment or hurt feelings. Most judges can tell when a kid has been coached on what to say (and know which lawyers tend to coach) and don’t reward it. They can tell which kids have it together enough to have a thoughtful opinion on the custody arrangement.

No, they cannot tell and most don't talk privately with kids. Not our experience at all. Do you really think most judges care? They go with what is easiest and move on to the next case.

[Anonymous]

My friend divorced when all 3 of her kids were teens. They let the kids decide where they wanted to live Both daughters chose to stay with mom, and son wanted to live with dad. The parents only lived 5 minutes apart and the kids could go back and forth as they wanted. The son was over at his moms all the time for dinner. The girls went to dads every other weekend plus he saw them once or twice a week at extra curricular stuff.

It was hard on all of them and the first 2-3 years were really hard on all 3 kids. Not the living arrangement, just the mess of the family splitting up.

The 3 kids are now in their twenties. They all have good relationships with both parents. Dad is remarried and they like his wife and get better meals there now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

+1

Not really. I had a choice between two horrible parents. I chose the less horrible one to live with. My mom was a martyr who would put me down all the time and my dad had a destructive narcissistic personality. My dad fortunately didn't want to pay child support so he kept his temper mostly under control until I graduated from college on scholarship.

How does this disprove the point? It proves it perfectly. They made you choose because they were BOTH destructive, narcissistic, and evil.

Nope-Living with my mom would have been far far worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

+1

Not really. I had a choice between two horrible parents. I chose the less horrible one to live with. My mom was a martyr who would put me down all the time and my dad had a destructive narcissistic personality. My dad fortunately didn't want to pay child support so he kept his temper mostly under control until I graduated from college on scholarship.

How does this disprove the point? It proves it perfectly. They made you choose because they were BOTH destructive, narcissistic, and evil.

Nope-Living with my mom would have been far far worse.

Why are you so dense that you can't understand that what you chose doesn't matter, the fact that your parents made you choose is what proves they were evil?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

+1

Not really. I had a choice between two horrible parents. I chose the less horrible one to live with. My mom was a martyr who would put me down all the time and my dad had a destructive narcissistic personality. My dad fortunately didn't want to pay child support so he kept his temper mostly under control until I graduated from college on scholarship.

How does this disprove the point? It proves it perfectly. They made you choose because they were BOTH destructive, narcissistic, and evil.

Nope-Living with my mom would have been far far worse.

Why are you so dense that you can't understand that what you chose doesn't matter, the fact that your parents made you choose is what proves they were evil?

Perhaps if the parents were both sort of normal it's crappy and selfish. With my mom I would have suffered total neglect so IT DID MATTER 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

+1

Not really. I had a choice between two horrible parents. I chose the less horrible one to live with. My mom was a martyr who would put me down all the time and my dad had a destructive narcissistic personality. My dad fortunately didn't want to pay child support so he kept his temper mostly under control until I graduated from college on scholarship.

How does this disprove the point? It proves it perfectly. They made you choose because they were BOTH destructive, narcissistic, and evil.

Nope-Living with my mom would have been far far worse.

Why are you so dense that you can't understand that what you chose doesn't matter, the fact that your parents made you choose is what proves they were evil?

Perhaps if the parents were both sort of normal it's crappy and selfish. With my mom I would have suffered total neglect so IT DID MATTER 100%.

It is exactly because your parents were crappy and selfish that they let you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting the teenager choose who to live with is crappy and selfish. Forcing the poor kid to decide "do you love mommy or daddy best?" is despicable.

+1

Not really. I had a choice between two horrible parents. I chose the less horrible one to live with. My mom was a martyr who would put me down all the time and my dad had a destructive narcissistic personality. My dad fortunately didn't want to pay child support so he kept his temper mostly under control until I graduated from college on scholarship.

How does this disprove the point? It proves it perfectly. They made you choose because they were BOTH destructive, narcissistic, and evil.

Nope-Living with my mom would have been far far worse.

Why are you so dense that you can't understand that what you chose doesn't matter, the fact that your parents made you choose is what proves they were evil?

Perhaps if the parents were both sort of normal it's crappy and selfish. With my mom I would have suffered total neglect so IT DID MATTER 100%.

It is exactly because your parents were crappy and selfish that they let you choose.

Man you have a screw loose. Teen is old enough to know which one of her loser parents she wants to live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess--and would hope--that neither your ex or your child will put your cheating in the past. You sound horrible.

Wow. As I mentioned above, I didn't have an affair. I'm curious why you think I sound so horrible?

I am a different poster and agree you sound awful. 50/50 is always crap for the kid. Your posts are all about you , and not paying child support seems to be your main goal.

Well I guess I just don't understand where you get that from my posts. We're all entitled to our opinions but I wonder if yours is somehow based on or influenced by personal experience. It doesn't matter because I'll just end it all with this:

My personal belief is that 50/50 is always in the best interest of the child. I'm sure you could find credentialed people to provide supporting or contradicting evidence. But I strongly believe that the best people to parent a child are the parents, and TOGETHER, even if they are divorced. So they should work to put aside their differences and do just that.

Sure, there are many men who do all they can to manipulate custody with the primary goal to pay the least support possible. But guess what? There are MANY women who do exactly the same in order to get the most money they can. To think otherwise is blind naiveté.

I have never denied my daughter anything she has asked for, even when it has been a financial stretch for me. I am an active dad who participates in her life and is assistant coach/chaperone to her main extra curricular activity. I cook her meals, make her lunches, and often do her laundry when she is busy (her laundry is one of her chores). I stay home for three days from work and take care of her when she's sick because she comes first. I make sure we connect and I ask her casual questions about her life to make sure she is ok, and that she knows I am always here for her to listen without judgement (something you might try).

You might also find it interesting that when she calls me in tears because her mother has had yet ANOTHER over reaction or emotional meltdown over some small thing and is screaming at her calling her a b*tch, I do ALL I can to let her know she is loved, calm her down, and encourage her to work it out with mom. I also offer my ex whatever I can to help her deal with the situations better; whether that means standing firm and not allowing our daughter to escape to my place, or having her come over to allow steam to blow off for them both. I have never EVER said one negative or disparaging word about her mom to her or within earshot.

And just so you know, my personal opinion is that my ex is a nut job who has emotional meltdowns when someone sneezes. She's effing pathetic.

But a child is equal parts each parent and to belittle or disparage the other parent in front of the child (even a teen) is to insult part of the child, so I don't do that. I wish the same courtesy had been extended to me.

So in the end, maybe you should consider there are divorced dads out there who make parenting their number one priority and want to have 50/50 because they know these years are crucial in building a foundation for a relationship that will last a lifetime and is one of the most important relationships EITHER the dad or the child will have.

There are many stereotypes in divorce as there are in life, and no person is all good or all bad. So the best thing for the child is to spend equal time with both parents and hopefully everyone will do their best to be their best, and everyone will learn a new relationship with each other; dad and child, mom and child, mom and dad.

I can say from seeing other situations around me that making this situation work is far better for the child than many intact families I see that are horrible ground hog's days of muted misery for everyone involved.

You are an epic failure as a father. You failed at the most important part: picking a good mother. Given the fact that the majority of mothers are great and would do anything for their kids there must be some selfish reason you chose her over a good woman, I.e she was rich or “hot” or “good in bed.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess--and would hope--that neither your ex or your child will put your cheating in the past. You sound horrible.

Wow. As I mentioned above, I didn't have an affair. I'm curious why you think I sound so horrible?

I am a different poster and agree you sound awful. 50/50 is always crap for the kid. Your posts are all about you , and not paying child support seems to be your main goal.

Well I guess I just don't understand where you get that from my posts. We're all entitled to our opinions but I wonder if yours is somehow based on or influenced by personal experience. It doesn't matter because I'll just end it all with this:

My personal belief is that 50/50 is always in the best interest of the child. I'm sure you could find credentialed people to provide supporting or contradicting evidence. But I strongly believe that the best people to parent a child are the parents, and TOGETHER, even if they are divorced. So they should work to put aside their differences and do just that.

Sure, there are many men who do all they can to manipulate custody with the primary goal to pay the least support possible. But guess what? There are MANY women who do exactly the same in order to get the most money they can. To think otherwise is blind naiveté.

I have never denied my daughter anything she has asked for, even when it has been a financial stretch for me. I am an active dad who participates in her life and is assistant coach/chaperone to her main extra curricular activity. I cook her meals, make her lunches, and often do her laundry when she is busy (her laundry is one of her chores). I stay home for three days from work and take care of her when she's sick because she comes first. I make sure we connect and I ask her casual questions about her life to make sure she is ok, and that she knows I am always here for her to listen without judgement (something you might try).

You might also find it interesting that when she calls me in tears because her mother has had yet ANOTHER over reaction or emotional meltdown over some small thing and is screaming at her calling her a b*tch, I do ALL I can to let her know she is loved, calm her down, and encourage her to work it out with mom. I also offer my ex whatever I can to help her deal with the situations better; whether that means standing firm and not allowing our daughter to escape to my place, or having her come over to allow steam to blow off for them both. I have never EVER said one negative or disparaging word about her mom to her or within earshot.

And just so you know, my personal opinion is that my ex is a nut job who has emotional meltdowns when someone sneezes. She's effing pathetic.

But a child is equal parts each parent and to belittle or disparage the other parent in front of the child (even a teen) is to insult part of the child, so I don't do that. I wish the same courtesy had been extended to me.

So in the end, maybe you should consider there are divorced dads out there who make parenting their number one priority and want to have 50/50 because they know these years are crucial in building a foundation for a relationship that will last a lifetime and is one of the most important relationships EITHER the dad or the child will have.

There are many stereotypes in divorce as there are in life, and no person is all good or all bad. So the best thing for the child is to spend equal time with both parents and hopefully everyone will do their best to be their best, and everyone will learn a new relationship with each other; dad and child, mom and child, mom and dad.

I can say from seeing other situations around me that making this situation work is far better for the child than many intact families I see that are horrible ground hog's days of muted misery for everyone involved.

You are an epic failure as a father. You failed at the most important part: picking a good mother. Given the fact that the majority of mothers are great and would do anything for their kids there must be some selfish reason you chose her over a good woman, I.e she was rich or “hot” or “good in bed.”

The person advocating 50%/50% is always the best options is terrible. Every situation is different and I think the kids should have say.