I feel like I am going to explode but I can't say anything

[Anonymous]

My husband accepted a contact job 1 year ago and we moved to FL. The contract is 3 years. I thought everything was going well and we decided he would stay on for another year. We recently renewed out lease. We're at the 14 month mark right now. I recently started working and my son goes to daycare. A few days ago my husband tells me he's angry because he asked for a raise and got rejected. He now is applying for jobs out of state because there are not a lot of employers in his field where we live. His salary is a lot of higher so it makes sense that I have to follow him but I am just so sad and frustrated....

I have only been at my job for 1 month now. It's a work from home but I am not sure if I can work from another state. My employer is in FL. The COL is also a lot less and this makes childcare more affordable. If we moved to Boston or the Bay area there's no way I could afford childcare. The nanny would most likely make more than me there and I would be forced to be a SAHM. I haven't said anything to my husband. I am just venting. Please help.

The way he communicated everything was a mass. He was acting weird and I had to pull information out of him. BTW who asks for a raise from a contracting job? He's only 1 year into the job market. He finished grad school only 1 year ago and is making 90k. We live in FL so this salary is fine. It seems silly to leave a job because you did not get a raise. He also feels like the job in dead end. Apparently lots of the contractors quit after 6 months for a permanent job somewhere else. Right now the only job leads my husband has are contract jobs out of state. He is not on a visa or anything but he did recently become a US citizen. Usually contract jobs do NOT pay for relocation. We would have to spend 3k to break our lease. Everything is all happening together and it's so exhausting thinking about maybe moving and my new job etc etc. We also have a 2 year old and he's so much work. He constantly screams.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you have to be an adult and put your family first. It’s okay to tell your husband your family cannot handle moving right now. Maybe in a year things will be better, but you can’t handle the stress right now.

Also, low six figures is poverty wages in the Bay Area. Even if he doubled his salary you guys would be in a tiny apartment and he would commute (at least) an hour each way. Boston is better - but not significantly so. My friends who live in the Bay say it takes two tech salaries to make it work. One (very low) tech salary cannot support a family at anywhere near a middle class existence in the Bay Area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to be an adult and put your family first. It’s okay to tell your husband your family cannot handle moving right now. Maybe in a year things will be better, but you can’t handle the stress right now.

Also, low six figures is poverty wages in the Bay Area. Even if he doubled his salary you guys would be in a tiny apartment and he would commute (at least) an hour each way. Boston is better - but not significantly so. My friends who live in the Bay say it takes two tech salaries to make it work. One (very low) tech salary cannot support a family at anywhere near a middle class existence in the Bay Area.

Op here. We live in a tiny apartment now. If we moved to Cali or MA most likely we would live in a tiny apartment close to his work. I don't think my husband would commute 2 hours everyday so we could live in a bigger apartment and I also wouldn't want him to do that. Do people live far away because they want a bigger place or they bought a house? From researching it seems 3k would be the rent for a 1 bedroom. 3k is expensive but it would be possible for us. His salary would be in the 140-165 range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to be an adult and put your family first. It’s okay to tell your husband your family cannot handle moving right now. Maybe in a year things will be better, but you can’t handle the stress right now.

Also, low six figures is poverty wages in the Bay Area. Even if he doubled his salary you guys would be in a tiny apartment and he would commute (at least) an hour each way. Boston is better - but not significantly so. My friends who live in the Bay say it takes two tech salaries to make it work. One (very low) tech salary cannot support a family at anywhere near a middle class existence in the Bay Area.

Op here. We live in a tiny apartment now. If we moved to Cali or MA most likely we would live in a tiny apartment close to his work. I don't think my husband would commute 2 hours everyday so we could live in a bigger apartment and I also wouldn't want him to do that. Do people live far away because they want a bigger place or they bought a house? From researching it seems 3k would be the rent for a 1 bedroom. 3k is expensive but it would be possible for us. His salary would be in the 140-165 range.

140 -165k is fine for the Bay area if you think you will be there temporarily. Sometimes you have to go to a major city to find a job. Take some xanax and have fun.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to stop being a big crybaby and stay with the job. He's a husband and a father and has responsibilities which means he doesn't have the luxury of throwing a tantrum and running away when he doesn't get what he wants. Tell him to grow the f$#k up and act like a grown man rather than a man-child and stay with the job and get some experience so he'll qualify for something better in a year or two or three.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are saying his current salary at a 3 yr contract job is 90K, but he could get a (non-contract) job somewhere else for $140-165k? That seems like a no-brainer to me. 50k is a lot of money in any city and would cover daycare anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are saying his current salary at a 3 yr contract job is 90K, but he could get a (non-contract) job somewhere else for $140-165k? That seems like a no-brainer to me. 50k is a lot of money in any city and would cover daycare anywhere.

No. Right now the only job leads he has are contract jobs. We would be moving from one contract job to the next. Right now my husband is a medical device data scientist but he wants to switch over to pharmaceutical data position. He says most pharmaceutical companies hire as contractors and convert over to FT. Most of his teammates have left his current employer after 6 months because they got offered a FT permanent job somewhere else. He says there are not any openings for a permanent position at his employer now. My husband hasn't had luck finding a permanent position elsewhere. He has been looking for a while now. He also recently got vacation benefits. It's PTO for the holidays and 1 week vacation. His family lives abroad and we were planning on visiting them soon. If he accepts another job without benefits if will be 1 year or more before he can visit his family or take vacation. He hasn't seen his family in years. I told my husband to stop talking about the jobs. Maybe it was mean but I can only handle so much. He will have an interview and then we think we may be moving soon but nothing comes out of it. Contracting jobs tend to happen very fast. Usually it means you need to move in 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. This sounds very stressful. It's hard to find a permanent position without a lot of job experience. A lot of employees are hiring contractors now.

[Anonymous]

He needs to chill and work in one job for two years to rpove he's a team player. And to be able to go see his family overseas. He has a wife and a young child, which most people in his situation don't have.

[Anonymous]

How much of a raise did he ask for? Did he suggest a plan to work towards a financial goal maybe over a longer period of time? If there is a lot of turnover on this contract, your DH employer may be willing to think of a different approach to avoid more turnover and turmoil.

If you’re in your 20s, have a 2 year old, and your income can allow more overall value for the family there, I think that’s the argument you should constructively present to your husband. How much of your salary would be foregone if moving causes you to lose employment?

You two are a team and need to look at this jointly, not just one pwrson’s Point of view. Both in the aggregate. Put it all on a spreadsheet with dollar figures attached to each choice and option. Run the average cost of rent, moving quotes etc. print and show to him.

[Anonymous]

How much does your job pay you? Can you live off that, eliminate daycare expense, and dh is a sahd for 3 years until your kid is in kindergarten.

Your dh seems like he has a very narrow employment niche. Even after grad school degree, youd think there would be more job opportunities. You both seem convinced he can "only" work in X places bc work is limited.
Unless you reveal what his job is, I just find it hard to believe theres nothing else - not even an offshoot of his Master's degree -that he can pursue right there in FL.
I took a biomedical lab rat job in desperation for a paycheck despite having an environmental sci degree...see how that works? Your dh cant do something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are saying his current salary at a 3 yr contract job is 90K, but he could get a (non-contract) job somewhere else for $140-165k? That seems like a no-brainer to me. 50k is a lot of money in any city and would cover daycare anywhere.

No. Right now the only job leads he has are contract jobs. We would be moving from one contract job to the next. Right now my husband is a medical device data scientist but he wants to switch over to pharmaceutical data position. He says most pharmaceutical companies hire as contractors and convert over to FT. Most of his teammates have left his current employer after 6 months because they got offered a FT permanent job somewhere else. He says there are not any openings for a permanent position at his employer now. My husband hasn't had luck finding a permanent position elsewhere. He has been looking for a while now. He also recently got vacation benefits. It's PTO for the holidays and 1 week vacation. His family lives abroad and we were planning on visiting them soon. If he accepts another job without benefits if will be 1 year or more before he can visit his family or take vacation. He hasn't seen his family in years. I told my husband to stop talking about the jobs. Maybe it was mean but I can only handle so much. He will have an interview and then we think we may be moving soon but nothing comes out of it. Contracting jobs tend to happen very fast. Usually it means you need to move in 2 weeks.

This does not sound good OP. Maybe he's on to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much does your job pay you? Can you live off that, eliminate daycare expense, and dh is a sahd for 3 years until your kid is in kindergarten.

Your dh seems like he has a very narrow employment niche. Even after grad school degree, youd think there would be more job opportunities. You both seem convinced he can "only" work in X places bc work is limited.
Unless you reveal what his job is, I just find it hard to believe theres nothing else - not even an offshoot of his Master's degree -that he can pursue right there in FL.
I took a biomedical lab rat job in desperation for a paycheck despite having an environmental sci degree...see how that works? Your dh cant do something like that?

This is a horrible idea. Her husband recently finished school with a science degree and he makes significantly more than his wife. OP said he'a a data scientist. I am assuming he has a PhD because 140- 165 k is not a typical salary for a data scientist with only a master's degree. It would foolish to find a job using his masters degree if he has a STEM PhD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does your job pay you? Can you live off that, eliminate daycare expense, and dh is a sahd for 3 years until your kid is in kindergarten.

Your dh seems like he has a very narrow employment niche. Even after grad school degree, youd think there would be more job opportunities. You both seem convinced he can "only" work in X places bc work is limited.
Unless you reveal what his job is, I just find it hard to believe theres nothing else - not even an offshoot of his Master's degree -that he can pursue right there in FL.
I took a biomedical lab rat job in desperation for a paycheck despite having an environmental sci degree...see how that works? Your dh cant do something like that?

This is a horrible idea. Her husband recently finished school with a science degree and he makes significantly more than his wife. OP said he'a a data scientist. I am assuming he has a PhD because 140- 165 k is not a typical salary for a data scientist with only a master's degree. It would foolish to find a job using his masters degree if he has a STEM PhD.

If he's Dr. STEM than job opportunities should be abundant - academia, research, consulting, government, etc. Theres no reason he has to move across 10 states to find another job - a contractor at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much does your job pay you? Can you live off that, eliminate daycare expense, and dh is a sahd for 3 years until your kid is in kindergarten.

Your dh seems like he has a very narrow employment niche. Even after grad school degree, youd think there would be more job opportunities. You both seem convinced he can "only" work in X places bc work is limited.
Unless you reveal what his job is, I just find it hard to believe theres nothing else - not even an offshoot of his Master's degree -that he can pursue right there in FL.
I took a biomedical lab rat job in desperation for a paycheck despite having an environmental sci degree...see how that works? Your dh cant do something like that?

Coasts are where higher paying jobs are. Of my STEM grad school friends most of us went to NY or Boston or DC or California after graduation.