Am I being too sensitive?

[Anonymous]

About a week ago, my boyfriend and I had an argument. It wasn't about anything substantial-- just something that had been bothering me that I thought I'd bring up with him because I don't like things to fester. However, at one point during the argument, he said "Is doing this really worth us being together?"

Ever since then, I have felt completely different about him. Prior to this point, we had a really steamy love life, and I wanted him constantly. It's like a switch flipped for me after hearing him say that, and I've been wondering if I mean so little to him. I did talk to him about his statement, and he said "I just don't think a relationship where you have to argue every few months is worth it" but then followed up with "I only said it out of anger. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." The ambiguity of those two statements together doesn't help the situation.


What would you do? I'm torn because it is NOT healthy to feel this way, but if it's just me being hyper-sensitive to a statement said in anger, I most definitely don't want to start another argument since he clearly thinks each argument diminishes the value of a relationship.

Would you talk to him about this, or just let it go?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a drama queen who picks petty fights. He apologized for his words but it’s clear he doesn’t like the drama. If you don’t like that, move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a drama queen who picks petty fights. He apologized for his words but it’s clear he doesn’t like the drama. If you don’t like that, move on

OP: Fair enough. I'm definitely not trying to be a drama queen, and I feel like asking if this statement would warrant a discussion is a testament to me being cognizant of potential pettiness. I've always felt things really deeply and tend to hold onto things, so the advice of other is something I do value.

[Anonymous]

Relationships aren't conflict free. Arguing every few months sounds pretty calm actually, unless it's a deal-breaking screaming match. It depends on specifics of the argument, and on how long the two of you have been together. A long-time couple can weather all sorts of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP: Fair enough. I'm definitely not trying to be a drama queen, and I feel like asking if this statement would warrant a discussion is a testament to me being cognizant of potential pettiness. I've always felt things really deeply and tend to hold onto things, so the advice of other is something I do value.

If you want to be able to talk about every little thing, then this might not be the guy for you. You aren't being too sensitive, but maybe too sensitive for him. He might feel like all this little stuff isn't worth even talking about, let alone holding onto. If you feel differently, then maybe it's not a good match. It's not about one person being too this or that, it's about whether your styles match up.

[Anonymous]

What was the argument about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships aren't conflict free. Arguing every few months sounds pretty calm actually, unless it's a deal-breaking screaming match. It depends on specifics of the argument, and on how long the two of you have been together. A long-time couple can weather all sorts of drama.

I agree, and I've told him as much. He had a 10+ year relationship that ended a few years ago, and he said they never fought once until everything festered up at the end and they had to split up. I think he'd honestly prefer that scenario.

[Anonymous]

If he thinks relationships are without fights he is immature. If you have to keep quiet to keep him happy and with you, ditch him. You should be able to say what you think in a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the argument about?

He has maintained a close relationship with his ex (keeping a picture of her in the house, meeting her for movies, lunch, etc), and I've always been okay with it because he told me early on that she meant a lot to him even though their relationship failed. To be perfectly honest, I was hoping as he and I got closer, their relationship would dwindle a bit. I know how hard it is to transition from a unit to singledom after years of cohabiting. Anyway, there was a day where he just seemed down, so I came over to check on him. He collapsed into my arms in tears because a person he'd dated after the split with his ex (the one he's still close with) was depressed over their relationship not working out. He told me he felt so bad for hurting this person because they meant so much to him. He spent an hour crying on me. I love that he loves people so deeply, but I won't pretend like it didn't sting a lot.

I didn't say anything to him that night, but the next day, I brought up the fact that I was feeling a little raw over having to watch him still feel so much emotional investment in his exes.

[Anonymous]

That actually sounds pretty substantial to me, OP. I'm on team splitsville.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About a week ago, my boyfriend and I had an argument. It wasn't about anything substantial-- just something that had been bothering me that I thought I'd bring up with him because I don't like things to fester. However, at one point during the argument, he said "Is doing this really worth us being together?"

Ever since then, I have felt completely different about him. Prior to this point, we had a really steamy love life, and I wanted him constantly. It's like a switch flipped for me after hearing him say that, and I've been wondering if I mean so little to him. I did talk to him about his statement, and he said "I just don't think a relationship where you have to argue every few months is worth it" but then followed up with "I only said it out of anger. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." The ambiguity of those two statements together doesn't help the situation.


What would you do? I'm torn because it is NOT healthy to feel this way, but if it's just me being hyper-sensitive to a statement said in anger, I most definitely don't want to start another argument since he clearly thinks each argument diminishes the value of a relationship.

Would you talk to him about this, or just let it go?

"A statement made in anger"..... I can guarantee you there will be instances in the future where he is angry again. If this is his method of issue resolution, and you are not comfortable with it, then you need to decide if you can learn to tolerate it or if you need to make a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the argument about?

He has maintained a close relationship with his ex (keeping a picture of her in the house, meeting her for movies, lunch, etc), and I've always been okay with it because he told me early on that she meant a lot to him even though their relationship failed. To be perfectly honest, I was hoping as he and I got closer, their relationship would dwindle a bit. I know how hard it is to transition from a unit to singledom after years of cohabiting. Anyway, there was a day where he just seemed down, so I came over to check on him. He collapsed into my arms in tears because a person he'd dated after the split with his ex (the one he's still close with) was depressed over their relationship not working out. He told me he felt so bad for hurting this person because they meant so much to him. He spent an hour crying on me. I love that he loves people so deeply, but I won't pretend like it didn't sting a lot.

I didn't say anything to him that night, but the next day, I brought up the fact that I was feeling a little raw over having to watch him still feel so much emotional investment in his exes.

Dude sounds like a train wreck. Too much baggage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the argument about?

He has maintained a close relationship with his ex (keeping a picture of her in the house, meeting her for movies, lunch, etc), and I've always been okay with it because he told me early on that she meant a lot to him even though their relationship failed. To be perfectly honest, I was hoping as he and I got closer, their relationship would dwindle a bit. I know how hard it is to transition from a unit to singledom after years of cohabiting. Anyway, there was a day where he just seemed down, so I came over to check on him. He collapsed into my arms in tears because a person he'd dated after the split with his ex (the one he's still close with) was depressed over their relationship not working out. He told me he felt so bad for hurting this person because they meant so much to him. He spent an hour crying on me. I love that he loves people so deeply, but I won't pretend like it didn't sting a lot.

I didn't say anything to him that night, but the next day, I brought up the fact that I was feeling a little raw over having to watch him still feel so much emotional investment in his exes.

I can’t speak to his other arguments but it seems like the bottom line is that your don’t feel secure in his feelings for you. His comment didn’t make it any better. I’m not sure how long you have been dating but if his been awhile then there is something about your communication styles and love language that aren’t aligned or he really isn’t that into you. To a certain extent, it doesn’t make sense to keep arguing about insubstantial things because their doesn’t get to the main thing.

Oh and not that I would have been a fan of pictures of my partner’s ex myself but that would have been a sign early on. Either I would have broken up because I wouldn’t want to change him and I know that wouldn’t be cool with that or he would have had to with word and actions made me feel so secure in our relationship that it wouldn’t have even been a thing. Would not want to be uncomfortable but hoping it would ch she some day with no signs that it would.

[Anonymous]

Dude is a hot mess. Pictures of his ex hanging up in his house? Crying for an hour over an ex because he may have hurt her a long, long one ago? It’s very interesting that he’s accusing you of being the overly sensitive/emotional one.

Too many red flags. It’s also weird that he doesn’t want to deal with conflict at all and expects you to not voice your concerns because it “isnt worth it”. A relationship where you can’t speak freely isn’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA