How much does past cheating matter?
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Anonymous
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A friend of mine (Diane) is trying very hard to avoid going to a destination wedding of an old friend of hers (Stacy) because Stacy's cousin (Steve) is essentially the reason Diane's first marriage broke up. Steve was Diane's first boyfriend (she met him through Stacy), and, when Diane's first marriage wasn't doing so well, she ran into Steve and, long story short, slept with him over a period of several months.
This all occurred several years ago, and in that time, Diane met and married someone - "Dave." I never asked Diane if/what she told Dave about her past marriage and why it ended. Now, Diane is super-stressed about going to Stacy's destination wedding, because Steve will be there. She's looking for reasons to get out of it, trying to find ways to go without Dave, etc. Diane has been so vocal about trying to avoid attending this wedding that a few of our mutual friends have begun to wonder why. We have speculated that she hadn't told her current husband Dave that her previous marriage ended due to cheating (with Steve). Some of the group think it's no big deal if Diane cheated in her previous marriage, that cheating only happens when a marriage is in breakdown anyway. Others think that Dave (current husband) might feel betrayed if he married her not knowing the circumstances of her previous divorce, and it could be a huge problem for their marriage. I really and truly swear I am the friend in this scenario, I've just been surprised at the divided opinions in our friend group. Some seem to think that cheating is a given in the case of a divorce, and Dave wouldn't be bothered by it at all, given that he's also had a previous marriage. Others think he could potentially leave Diane if he finds out how her first marriage ended, and that she didn't portray it honestly. I don't want to say what my opinion in order to not color the responses. |
Anonymous
| I think your entire friend group needs to mind their own business! There are probably completely different reasons for “Diane” to want to avoid the destination wedding, the most important one that destination weddings suck. |
Anonymous
| I think she feels she’s at risk of cheating again... |
Anonymous
That is total bullshit. If the marriage is broken, fix it or end it, don't cheat. And yes, her husband has every right to feel angry that she denied him important knowledge about her past. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like she either didn’t mention the whole Steve part of her divorce or she knows given the chance she’ll sleep with Steve again and doesn’t want to risk it. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like she didn’t tell her current husband and still has a thing for Steve. |
Anonymous
This. She either goes with her new husband or doesn’t go at all. Also, is Steve not married? He probably has zero interest in her nowadays. |
Anonymous
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It is a little troubling that Diane may still have a little crush on Steve.
Reason being is that she is actually considering attending the wedding sans Dave. No one knows whether or not Dave knows about Diane’s past. But if she attends the wedding solo or brings along Dave while keeping mum about her history w/Steve, then I say she must be prone to cheating. I could be totally out of line. After all, I am hearing all of this third-hand. |
Anonymous
| I am of the mindset that if you are contemplating cheating or put yourself in a position to cheat, then the right thing to do is to end your current relationship before it happens. I get it that it would be uncomfortable for Diana to attend the destination that Steve will be attending. It would especially be awkward to attend if her current husband attends with her. Either he knows about it and it will be uncomfortable for both of them, or he doesn't know about it and she'll be sweating the whole time wondering if it will be brought up. Either way, the consequences of cheating can rear their ugly heads far after the actual cheating ends. |
Anonymous
OP here - I do know Steve isn't married. I don't know if he's got/will be bringing a girlfriend to the wedding. I'm actually not sure if Diane does either. She seems to not want to discuss a lot of this with Stacy, so I doubt she'd ask her if he's RSVP'd with a guest. I'm not sure if that's because she feels Stacy should know that this is awkward for Diane, and is pressuring her to attend the wedding anyway, or there's another reason. |
Anonymous
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I doubt Steve is interested in hooking up with Diane. Diane, however, might be interested in nailing Steve. Maybe Steve has mad sex skills and she misses the toe curling orgasms that good ole Stevo once gave her.
Diane, if you're reading this, stay your butt home. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is the thing I keep hanging up on. I can understand why it would be uncomfortable even if her husband already knows. But if that's the case I don't understand why she can't just say that to Stacy - "I'm so happy that you're getting married, but it would be really uncomfortable for Dave to be there given my past with Steve, so we've decided not to come." Instead she's looking for excuses not to go, considering staying at a different resort from the group to minimize her time with them outside of the actual wedding itself if she goes, etc. |
Anonymous
| You should ask Dave if he knows about Steve |
Anonymous
| She still has a thing for Steve. |
Anonymous
| I would not want to see Steve if I were Diana. I don't understand why it would be a mystery to people why Diana wouldn't want to see Steve. |