How to know it’s time to give ILs a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't, in your situation. You've established a new good pattern--why change it? Not seeing them for awhile since DH is busy falls under natural consequences.

[Anonymous]

No. You have a new system that works. Don’t mess with it. You don’t want things to go back to the way they were.

[Anonymous]

I would not take on extra stress while I was dealing with kids and all family responsibilities on my own.

I don’t look at it as punishing the grandparents - it’s more that I wouldn’t want to punish myself. You seem nicer than I am though.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel bad about doing your own thing for 4 weeks while DH travels. Remind your DH that he can plan a visit when he gets back. Then move along and do what you want.

Also, it's not fair for him to "hint" at this if he knows things were bad before. While rules don't need to be 100% set in stone, since he's not the one dealing with the bad behavior he should not be adding pressure on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not take on extra stress while I was dealing with kids and all family responsibilities on my own.

I don’t look at it as punishing the grandparents - it’s more that I wouldn’t want to punish myself. You seem nicer than I am though.

Not while he is gone.

They can come when he gets back.

[Anonymous]

Nope. In my view, it's not that big of a deal for grandparents to not see the kids for a month. My parents are local, and not in any way limited in seeing their grandkids, and it can sometimes be 6 weeks between visits where they see grandkids because of everyone's school and sports schedules, and grandparents travel schedule. 4 weeks is not long time or big deal. Also, it doesn't even seem like they made plans with you, the person who would be with the kids, so those are not real plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't, in your situation. You've established a new good pattern--why change it? Not seeing them for awhile since DH is busy falls under natural consequences.

You’re so right. Thanks for pointing this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not take on extra stress while I was dealing with kids and all family responsibilities on my own.

I don’t look at it as punishing the grandparents - it’s more that I wouldn’t want to punish myself. You seem nicer than I am though.

I like to think of myself as a people-pleaser in treatment. I’m working on it!

But good point on not needing the stress. I am stressed at the thought, so you are spot on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You have a new system that works. Don’t mess with it. You don’t want things to go back to the way they were.

+1

It's a month, not a year. Leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel bad about doing your own thing for 4 weeks while DH travels. Remind your DH that he can plan a visit when he gets back. Then move along and do what you want.

Also, it's not fair for him to "hint" at this if he knows things were bad before. While rules don't need to be 100% set in stone, since he's not the one dealing with the bad behavior he should not be adding pressure on you.

I think he was testing the waters and I hope he doesn’t mention it again.

[Anonymous]

Nope. They lost the privilege of visiting you and the kids without your husband present by maligning you and treating you like garbage. I remember your thread. They haven’t apologized so they aren’t actually even sorry for how they treated you. You are a nice person but they don’t deserve the extra visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. They lost the privilege of visiting you and the kids without your husband present by maligning you and treating you like garbage. I remember your thread. They haven’t apologized so they aren’t actually even sorry for how they treated you. You are a nice person but they don’t deserve the extra visits.

Thanks. And still no apology or mention of anything. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I must be as crazy as them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel bad about doing your own thing for 4 weeks while DH travels. Remind your DH that he can plan a visit when he gets back. Then move along and do what you want.

Also, it's not fair for him to "hint" at this if he knows things were bad before. While rules don't need to be 100% set in stone, since he's not the one dealing with the bad behavior he should not be adding pressure on you.

I think he was testing the waters and I hope he doesn’t mention it again.

I would have called him out on it. "Wait, really? Hon, we have talked about this and your parents don't treat me well when you are not here. So no, I will not go out of my way to see them while you are gone. You can schedule a visit for XY weekend after you are back, and I will plan to have lunch with a friend and go shopping."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

NP I know in-laws are second class citizens generally but, I would try to be the bigger person. Do your kids enjoy grandparents company? If they do than you are hurting your kids as well as the grandparents.

Many people come on here and complain that the grandparents don't care about being in their grandkids' lives. And then they do keep them away so they can't establish a relationship.

Could these grandparents be insensitive and put their foot in their mouth? Absolutely! But, humans make mistakes and if they are old they are fearful of not seeing their grandkids. So they might not say things exactly PC. I'm not saying it is right about blaming you but, you could have pointed out when you last saw them.

Personally, I hate the idea of dividing up the family ie you only take care of relations with your side and I take responsibility with mine. In our house my DH cares about my parents/siblings as much as I care about connecting with his side. Sure the spouse takes the lead but, we don't keep a tally on who did what.

So, although I am going against the advice I would try and see the grandparents. It will benefit your kids and the grandparents.