How to know it’s time to give ILs a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't, in your situation. You've established a new good pattern--why change it? Not seeing them for awhile since DH is busy falls under natural consequences.

+1 I remember your post from before. I agree it is natural consequences of their behavior and the new routine you established. Nothing unreasonable about grandparents not seeing the kids for a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. In my view, it's not that big of a deal for grandparents to not see the kids for a month. My parents are local, and not in any way limited in seeing their grandkids, and it can sometimes be 6 weeks between visits where they see grandkids because of everyone's school and sports schedules, and grandparents travel schedule. 4 weeks is not long time or big deal. Also, it doesn't even seem like they made plans with you, the person who would be with the kids, so those are not real plans.

Yes, all of this.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband need some better communication. Your husband shouldn't be hinting since he knows this is a sore spot.

That said, why don't you call them to come see the kids once during this period. It is good for the kids. Snap a photo or two to share with dad so there is no denying the visit.

It is usually not a mistake to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband need some better communication. Your husband shouldn't be hinting since he knows this is a sore spot.

That said, why don't you call them to come see the kids once during this period. It is good for the kids. Snap a photo or two to share with dad so there is no denying the visit.

It is usually not a mistake to be kind.

^^^ wait, only a month? I change my mind. they can survive a month. then if they ask when husband comes home, he can say "well, you weren't being very nice about those visits, so we took a break. you can come on x date when we are all here. We hope that works for you." never say "I" only "we".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. They lost the privilege of visiting you and the kids without your husband present by maligning you and treating you like garbage. I remember your thread. They haven’t apologized so they aren’t actually even sorry for how they treated you. You are a nice person but they don’t deserve the extra visits.

Thanks. And still no apology or mention of anything. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I must be as crazy as them!

If they had apologized and made efforts to improve, then it might be reasonable to figure out when to give them another chance. But they haven't. You don't have to deal with them just because it's been eight months, or a year, or whatever length of time. This is not even an issue until they try to make things right.

[Anonymous]

I think 8 months is too short a time since the crisis. I'd maybe be more open to them in 2 or 3 years later, once you have (hopefully) established more of a personal relationship. It's true that maybe you give in and it goes well, but if it doesn't, that's the kind of stress you don't need and it'll sabotage your relationship down the line. Stick with what works for now!

[Anonymous]

A month? My goodness, I had local, next town over grandparents, (my mom’s MIL) who my mother adored, and we didn’t see her once a month every single month.

In your situation, and I remember your previous post, no way would I open that door again at this point.

[Anonymous]

No, don't do it. It's going to be the exact same sh&t all over again. They haven't changed. You don't need to step into this again. They'll be OK for a month. If no - it's your DH's problem. Maybe if they treated you better it would be different <- that's the hill you need to die on.

[Anonymous]

A month is nothing, they can wait

[Anonymous]

No, no, and no. Keep your sanity and ignore DH's "hints."

[Anonymous]

OP, I remember your original scenario, and NO, do not open the door to this. You are just now on solid footing. Stay there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't, in your situation. You've established a new good pattern--why change it? Not seeing them for awhile since DH is busy falls under natural consequences.

+1 I remember your post from before. I agree it is natural consequences of their behavior and the new routine you established. Nothing unreasonable about grandparents not seeing the kids for a month.

+1 Also remember OPs post and I can pretty well guarantee that the only reason things are going well now is because of the new system. Go back to visits without DH and prepare yourself for a complete reversion to crappy behavior on their part.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read your previous post. How did they "accuse" you of keeping the kids away? You either visit or you don't. One way you could break the standoff is to meet them in a restaurant for lunch. It's 1 1/2 hours on neutral territory. Easy to leave if you have to.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are too extreme. Stop thinking in extremes - absolute good/bad, right/wrong. Everything is an extreme with you. Btw, you will know you are improving, handling life better when your posts aren't so long. It makes you look a little crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are too extreme. Stop thinking in extremes - absolute good/bad, right/wrong. Everything is an extreme with you. Btw, you will know you are improving, handling life better when your posts aren't so long. It makes you look a little crazy.

You’re playing the game but you don’t know the rules. Take it from the PPs who remember the other post.