How to know it’s time to give ILs a second chance?

[Anonymous]

I totally know what you mean in wanting to "end" the drama by giving a second chance, because I've been in that role before too, but from the outside with a better perspective, it is clear to everyone else that you are starting the drama -- not ending it!

Things are finally calm and drama-free and you can't leave it alone. Leave it alone!!! Your dh is being a bit unfair by even making you think this could be a good idea so it makes me think that he also wants to stir the pot and start drama.

Drama is NEVER good for the kids, so you are not doing your kids any favors by rocking the boat. Your kids will not get anything good out of visits where you are a nervous wreck and then resent DH for putting you in that position.

Just say NO!

[Anonymous]

Nooooo OP don't do it! Not unless they bring it up with you and make a sincere and believable apology about past issues! The system you have works fine- they get to see the kids when DH is home, and you are protected from getting hurt, drama kept to a minimum- great! !!! If they wanted to visit the kids when DH wasn't home, they should've worked harder to form a better relationship with you! He won't be gone for that long. If he was gone for long periods (say, deployed for 6 months, or something) my answer would be different. But, this is a short period of time. Too bad, ILs.

[Anonymous]

For me, a second chance will only ever come after a sincere apology. Which will never happen.

I’d actually be having a serious talk with my DH, both for the “hint” and also for not explicitly telling them no the first time they “mentioned” coming over while he wouldn’t be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

DCUM think you're trying to stir up some drama. If you want drama - do it. If you don't don't.
But please don't start knuckleheaded threads about how the drama came back into your life and how ILs are so unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

DCUM think you're trying to stir up some drama. If you want drama - do it. If you don't don't.
But please don't start knuckleheaded threads about how the drama came back into your life and how ILs are so unfair.

Huh? No, DCUM does NOT think OP is trying to stir up drama. DCUM thinks OP should continue doing what she's done the last 8 months. If OP's DH isn't around to facilitate the visits, the grandparents do not get visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

NP I know in-laws are second class citizens generally but, I would try to be the bigger person. Do your kids enjoy grandparents company? If they do than you are hurting your kids as well as the grandparents.

Many people come on here and complain that the grandparents don't care about being in their grandkids' lives. And then they do keep them away so they can't establish a relationship.

Could these grandparents be insensitive and put their foot in their mouth? Absolutely! But, humans make mistakes and if they are old they are fearful of not seeing their grandkids. So they might not say things exactly PC. I'm not saying it is right about blaming you but, you could have pointed out when you last saw them.

Personally, I hate the idea of dividing up the family ie you only take care of relations with your side and I take responsibility with mine. In our house my DH cares about my parents/siblings as much as I care about connecting with his side. Sure the spouse takes the lead but, we don't keep a tally on who did what.

So, although I am going against the advice I would try and see the grandparents. It will benefit your kids and the grandparents.

OP, I agree with this. I think you are hurting your children by depriving of them of the opportunity to be loved by their grandparents. And I think you have it in you to be more mature and secure than many of the posters here who are threatened by that. You need to ask yourself what is more important to you - your ego or your kids being loved by people who love them?

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t even sound like they did anything that terrible. But you do you, OP, and win your little war at the expense of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

NP I know in-laws are second class citizens generally but, I would try to be the bigger person. Do your kids enjoy grandparents company? If they do than you are hurting your kids as well as the grandparents.

Many people come on here and complain that the grandparents don't care about being in their grandkids' lives. And then they do keep them away so they can't establish a relationship.

Could these grandparents be insensitive and put their foot in their mouth? Absolutely! But, humans make mistakes and if they are old they are fearful of not seeing their grandkids. So they might not say things exactly PC. I'm not saying it is right about blaming you but, you could have pointed out when you last saw them.

Personally, I hate the idea of dividing up the family ie you only take care of relations with your side and I take responsibility with mine. In our house my DH cares about my parents/siblings as much as I care about connecting with his side. Sure the spouse takes the lead but, we don't keep a tally on who did what.

So, although I am going against the advice I would try and see the grandparents. It will benefit your kids and the grandparents.

OP, I agree with this. I think you are hurting your children by depriving of them of the opportunity to be loved by their grandparents. And I think you have it in you to be more mature and secure than many of the posters here who are threatened by that. You need to ask yourself what is more important to you - your ego or your kids being loved by people who love them?

Have you read ANYTHING OP wrote? Literally, ANYTHING?

Children and grandparents see each other all the time, facilitated by DH. NOBODY is depriving anyone of anything. There is 1 month when DH is not available. It's hardly a deprivation. The reason OP is not seeing ILs w/o DH because they lie about her. Dude, get a grip. It's not ego, it's creating a peaceful atmosphere for all involved, first and foremost children.

You win the delusional post of the day, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

NP I know in-laws are second class citizens generally but, I would try to be the bigger person. Do your kids enjoy grandparents company? If they do than you are hurting your kids as well as the grandparents.

Many people come on here and complain that the grandparents don't care about being in their grandkids' lives. And then they do keep them away so they can't establish a relationship.

Could these grandparents be insensitive and put their foot in their mouth? Absolutely! But, humans make mistakes and if they are old they are fearful of not seeing their grandkids. So they might not say things exactly PC. I'm not saying it is right about blaming you but, you could have pointed out when you last saw them.

Personally, I hate the idea of dividing up the family ie you only take care of relations with your side and I take responsibility with mine. In our house my DH cares about my parents/siblings as much as I care about connecting with his side. Sure the spouse takes the lead but, we don't keep a tally on who did what.

So, although I am going against the advice I would try and see the grandparents. It will benefit your kids and the grandparents.

OP, I agree with this. I think you are hurting your children by depriving of them of the opportunity to be loved by their grandparents. And I think you have it in you to be more mature and secure than many of the posters here who are threatened by that. You need to ask yourself what is more important to you - your ego or your kids being loved by people who love them?

It's one month. The grandparent/grandchild relationship will survive a one month separation. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

I've got a new idea. Since they want to see kids and maybe just the kids maybe you could tell them that you have an X appointment and if they wished they could come up to watch them. Since you don't want to be obligated ( I've seen your bolded I do not need them) you could say our local babysitter was going to watch them so no biggie if you can't make it.

If they take you up on it you have several hours to do what you want: Go to the movies! Go to lunch with girlfriends! Make a salon appointment!

Come back in about four to five hours. You will get a rest and the grandparents get to see kids. Who cares if they think you are doing them a big favor?

[Anonymous]

No. I think the grandparents can manage a month without seeing your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or is it always “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

Quite a while ago I posted about my ILs who basically accused me of keeping our kids away from them and denied visits I made alone with the grandkids even happened while my husband was working, and just really made some hurtful accusations. You all advised me to STOP making these trips, to STOP fascilitating visits, and to NOT see ILs without DH present, all of which I have done. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with them. My DH now coordinates all visits and plans them ONLY when he will be home. It’s been about 8 months or so.

But through the month of October, he will be away pretty much the whole month, aside from 2 weekends, for a work related contract assignment. He left yesterday. We’ve known about this and he set up some accommodations before he left to help me with the logistics of the kids. He will be back next weekend, and then we have a little weekend getaway planned with the kids. Then he will be gone again for two weeks.

Before he left, he hinted that his parents had mentioned coming up to visit the kids while he’s gone. I sort of changed the subject. I’m not sure how to feel about this. How/when do you know if something like this is a good idea? For 8 months we’ve established these roles, and they’ve worked. They don’t have the opportunity to accuse me of anything, because DH is there. They don’t try to push their weight around, because DH is there. I don’t want them to expect that we’ve gone back to the way things used to be if I allow this change.

But maybe I’m being ridiculous? Maybe it’s time to give it a try? I’m being honest when I say this makes me nervous. Will they turn it around and say I didn’t even let them see the kids? Back to the old gaslighting routine?

I DO NOT need them for a break, as I’ve said, that is covered. This would be simply out of the goodness of my heart, but my heart is a little calloused. What says DCUM?

I've got a new idea. Since they want to see kids and maybe just the kids maybe you could tell them that you have an X appointment and if they wished they could come up to watch them. Since you don't want to be obligated ( I've seen your bolded I do not need them) you could say our local babysitter was going to watch them so no biggie if you can't make it.

If they take you up on it you have several hours to do what you want: Go to the movies! Go to lunch with girlfriends! Make a salon appointment!

Come back in about four to five hours. You will get a rest and the grandparents get to see kids. Who cares if they think you are doing them a big favor?

No this is inviting drama. Just get a sitter

[Anonymous]

Clearly, there are some people who didn't read your original thread. There's no f&cking way I'd consider letting them see the kids while your DH is gone. What makes you think things would be any different than they were before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t even sound like they did anything that terrible. But you do you, OP, and win your little war at the expense of your children.

x1000

[Anonymous]

It would be helpful to some if a link to other thread was posted.