DH has been having an emotional affair, blames me for it and his drinking
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Anonymous
| DH has been binge drinking with increasing regularity. For the past year, he has made it a habit of getting wasted once a week- 12 beers or more. About once every two months, he has stayed behind at a restaurant, after dinner with me and our kids, both under 5. These nights, he comes home hours later, beligerant and angry with me for refusing to wake our children to go get him. He has snuck vodka into drinks twice, once at our dd's bday party and once at a swim playdate. I suspected something and when my suspicions were confirmed, confronted him. Last night, we went to dinner and upon hearing the wait time opted to go somewhere else. Our dd got upset and said, "please not the (blank) place, daddy drinks too much beer there and doesn't come home with us." This lead him to get furious with me for "poisoning our kids against him". He doesn't realize that at her age, she sees what is happening and is aware of why. He spent the dinner telling me about how he's type A and I'm not and that makes us incompatible. He berated my weight gain and housekeeping skills and my career, all disappointments to him. He stayed downtown until the bars closed. He came home, passed out, told me again that we were separating, and then tried to get frisky. This morning he apologized and then within an hour was back to telling me about how he has found an emotional friend. Platonic but she may want more, as she kissed him once. Told me about a woman he's met at conferences who twice has gone to his room and taken her clothes off, but he stopped it at that point. Told me about all of the pretty young happy women who love his company at conferences. Blamed my being emotionally distant and sexually uninterested in him. I'm not uninterested, but he only wants me when he is sloppy drunk, which is a huge turnoff. He told me he was leaving for a week alone and then we could do our family vacation the following week and work on us, but he wanted to separate. He proceeded to "shame spiral" this afternoon, drinking by 11am and passing out/napping by 430. He woke up an hour ago, ate dinner, and went to bed. He says we're okay now. He is/was heartbroken, but we will start again. I don't want our kids to grow up in a broken home or a dysfunctional home. I don't want to be angry at my husband. I don't want to be bitter and bitchy. I also don't want to be a single mom. How do we heal this? How do I find a calm center for my marriage and family? |
Anonymous
| Your DH is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I am sorry but that is what he is. He may suffer from depression and is self medicating but who knows. |
Anonymous
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Please make an appointment for a really good therapist who can help you find some self-esteem and a backbone. There is no way I’d have my kids living in a house with this. Years of being a confident single mom would be better than a week of this nonsense you described.
Why can’t you see that you and your kids deserve so much more than this? |
Anonymous
This. OP, go to an Al-Anon meeting. It is not in your power to make this better. |
Anonymous
OP, your home is already broken. You need to protect your kids from this, and you need to keep them from marrying alcoholics, which is what they will probably do if you allow them to grow up in this atmosphere. Statistically speaking, the likelihood is high, if you do not get out. Get help. Please. |
Anonymous
|
Well, other than the emotional affair and bragging about women, I could have written this. My husband has developed a drinking problem. He binges on his weekends. If he's even had two drinks, then he gets mean and blames me for everything. He sneaks alcohol.
And the same thing with the kids. We come home from somewhere and my kids are worried that Daddy will be drunk. My kids don't respect him. And when he's been drinking, he blames me for this. I have lost ALL interest in sex with him. I can't sleep with someone I have no respect for. That will come back if he can get better. He's been sober a month and I feel my old affection for him returning. But it's still fragile, you know? Always worried about the next time.... I don't want to jinx it, but I think things are getting better. I've done four things: 1) I don't allow alcohol in the house. If I find alcohol in his car, I throw it away. We stopped going out to dinner too much, or we only go if I get him to agree not to order any alcohol. I have told him if he gets arrested for anything alcohol-related, I'm leaving him in jail. I do not enable. 2) I got him a breathalyzer. Two, actually, so he can't say he left his at work or whatever. He has to test on demand. If he refuses, it's like the cops, per se evidence that he's been drinking. This seems to actually help him NOT drink. It was his idea. Not mine. So if your husband has any ideas about what might help him stop drinking (within reason, not if he's making it about you), then take them under consideration. 3) I refuse to fight with him when he's been drinking, even a little. He is useless when he drinks. It's like his IQ falls 50 points. I don't engage unless he's sober. Ever. I tell him he's gaslighting and I walk away. 4) I have made him go to his doctor, and I go with him, and I explain that he's drinking inappropriately and cannot seem to control it. Unfortunately, his doctor is useless. But maybe yours isn't. There are a couple of prescription medications out there that can help stop drinking. Like Vivitrol and Anabuse. That's my next step if he falls off the wagon again (he's been sober a month). I will leave him if it doesn't get significantly better. My parents both had alcoholic parents, and my parents are a wreck for having grown up in that. But I get that it's not easy to leave immediately. I do believe in trying to fix things. But I also know there are things I cannot fix. Only he can. So far, my husband is trying. I hope yours does too. |
Anonymous
| He’s an alcoholic. Get to Al-Anon and separate from this guy unless he gets sober. |
Anonymous
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Please don't let your kids grow up in that environment. I say from experience that it will do lasting damage.
You can't fix him. Just get stronger and move on and be a good role model for your kids. |
Anonymous
| You can try to control him but you will make yourself crazy. Please go to AlAnon. You’ll fine women who are in the exact situation and can help you navigate this stage. |
Anonymous
| It’s your fault for not understanding the concept of paragraphs. |
Anonymous
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Why would you want to stay with this person?
You are not preserving any kind of normal and healthy family life for your kids by staying with him. You should leave for them, not stay for them. |
Anonymous
| I'm the adult child of an alcoholic father. My life improved (mostly) when he left our family and my mother raised us alone. I admire her strength and moral clarity. I think you need to tell him it's you or the beer. He will choose the beer. It's okay. God has something better in store for you. |
Anonymous
| OMG. Your kids are seeing this and thinking it’s bormal. Your daughter will marry an abusive alcoholic if she keeps seeing this. Get divorced and break the cycle. This is so terrible. |
Anonymous
They ARE living in a dysfunctional home already, I'm sorry to say. I'd starting going to Al-Anon meetings. |
Anonymous
+1 Spent my childhood getting my a$$ beat by my alcoholic mom. Believe me, your home is already harming your kids way more than a divorce would. |