DH has been having an emotional affair, blames me for it and his drinking

[Anonymous]

you fear the financial fallout of a divorce, but it sounds like things are stable, financially.

I do WOH, but I make 1/4th of what DH and have 4x the commute and primary responsibility for childcare and housekeeping. I need to outsource some of the housework.

Solution: you split up and move closer to work, he pays child support to help make things more equal. Bigger issue is whether you can trust him alone with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, use paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

I can't afford to live closer to work. Cost of living is too high there, besides, his commute is 10 minutes, so my 45 minutes isn't unreasonable. We also have significant equity in our home. When he gets angry, he promises to leave me with as little as possible. Yes, finances are a big part of why I haven't left. Furthermore, his actions hadn't been directly in front of the kids until the past few months, and I had deluded myself into believing that I was the only one hurt by it. I'm much clearer on how reaching his behavior has been.

[Anonymous]

Hey, paragraph police, get a grip. An online forum isn't really the place for formatting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't afford to live closer to work. Cost of living is too high there, besides, his commute is 10 minutes, so my 45 minutes isn't unreasonable. We also have significant equity in our home. When he gets angry, he promises to leave me with as little as possible. Yes, finances are a big part of why I haven't left. Furthermore, his actions hadn't been directly in front of the kids until the past few months, and I had deluded myself into believing that I was the only one hurt by it. I'm much clearer on how reaching his behavior has been.

You need to see a lawyer.

He can say whatever he wants, but at the end of the day, the law will dictate how the money is distributed in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I am sorry but that is what he is. He may suffer from depression and is self medicating but who knows.

+1 OP, please make an appointment with a counselor, psychologist, etc. What you've written is way over the top for what a couple and their children should be experiencing.

[Anonymous]

OP, Your husband is an alcoholic and emotionally abusing you. When it escalates to physical violence (and it usually does) or drunk driving with the kids in the car, and the police get involved, your kids will end up being removed from the house for their own safety. Your kids have witnessed abuse. Growing up in an unsafe house rewires their brain to be in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. The longer you stay, the longer they’ll need help to recover from this trauma. You are doing long term serious damage and need to help your children NOW.

[Anonymous]

Protect your kids from his abuse. Now is the time to collect evidence of his behaviour. You can do this, you simply must find the strength. Be the mama bear here. Would you allow anyone else to treat your family this way? What if your daughter was married to a man like this? Be strong. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I know that this situation is not my fault but that I have allowed the behavior to continue far longer than I should have. I had convinced myself that I had sheltered the kids from his actions. It's just in the past six months that he has behaved poorly in front of them.
I do WOH, but I make 1/4th of what DH and have 4x the commute and primary responsibility for childcare and housekeeping. I need to outsource some of the housework.
I have set boundaries including no more drinking. I have clearly stated to him that any further incidences will result in his being thrown out. I have documented the major incidents in my email, and he has done this in front of family, so I do have their experiences to support me. I also am aware of the fact that they would not necessarily make statements that could hurt him.
I have been to a therapist who suggested couples therapy. DH isn't interested. I am working on my own anxiety and the reactive anger that I have as a result. I have joined a gym with childcare so that I can put more into selfcare. I am working on being the best mom that I can be. I am also doing what I can to prepare for him to fail at staying sober. I don't see the current situation as being better than being a single mom, but I do clearly recognize the financial fallout of a divorce. I am in the thick of it but trying to see clearly.
Hopefully the formatting pleases the arse who felt that my lack of paragraphs played into my husband's poor behavior.

Please see a lawyer ASAP, and a therapist. Babette Wise specializes in families of addicts, is at Georgetown and takes insurance. If his alcoholic behavior continues he may lose his job, and you may be in a position to have to pay him alimony in a divorce. Definitely consult a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, paragraph police, get a grip. An online forum isn't really the place for formatting.

That’s ridiculous. If a post isn’t formatted so it’s easy for me to read, I’ll skip it. Proper formatting ensures that more people will read and respond to your post.

[Anonymous]

Al-Anon for sure.

I went (and I had a therapist) as an adult because both of my parents were alcoholics.

When you grow up with parents who do this, you see situations through a weird lens.
For example, not expecting to leave with the parent.

My dad would stay at restaurants. As a teen, I pretended I wanted to stay so I could drive him home.
Loved the dude, but it was upside down.

I would worry when my parents went out of they would make it home.
My brother and I would talk about who we would live with when my parents died.

When we had a babysitter I would not go to sleep because I worried that they would die on the way home.

When my dad would try to quit drinking, he would get angry and we didn't understand why, but there were 2 versions of him.

It would help your kids to have someone to talk to about this, but only when you are ready to take action.

My mom quit 1st and took a class to learn how to do the intervention and to prepare herself and us to make it happen.

It involved organizing money and be prepared for divorce.

They have many happy years together after that.

Also, make sure you don't have 2 glasses of wine and wonder why he had 6 beers.

Have none.

When you find an AL Anon group, make sure they work for you, socially. I went in DC and had a hard time with the fact someone in the meeting later asked me for change on the street.
My therapist said to to try a suburb, because of context, and not to feel bad about being a snob.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

AA and Al Anon don't work for everyone. You can try them Al Anon, sure. However, of the three people I know who attended those meetings, only 1 found them helpful. The other two people are agnostics, so all that "higher power" stuff was unhelpful.

If your DH doesn't believe in God, maybe try reading "Rational Recovery" instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, paragraph police, get a grip. An online forum isn't really the place for formatting.

That’s ridiculous. If a post isn’t formatted so it’s easy for me to read, I’ll skip it. Proper formatting ensures that more people will read and respond to your post.

Then move along. The rest of us have brains that can handle it just fine. Granted, I'd have trouble tracking if I were drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA and Al Anon don't work for everyone. You can try them Al Anon, sure. However, of the three people I know who attended those meetings, only 1 found them helpful. The other two people are agnostics, so all that "higher power" stuff was unhelpful.

If your DH doesn't believe in God, maybe try reading "Rational Recovery" instead?

Is al-anon also Christiany?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I am sorry but that is what he is. He may suffer from depression and is self medicating but who knows.

+1 OP, please make an appointment with a counselor, psychologist, etc. What you've written is way over the top for what a couple and their children should be experiencing.

Don't waste time trying to fix him. OP needs to get out while she's young.