DH has been having an emotional affair, blames me for it and his drinking

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, and you think being a single Mom would be worse than this? I chose single motherhood and my home is healthy and filled with love.

First, enlist a community to help raise your self-esteem, once you are in a place of strength, begin to make a plan to leave. You, let alone your children, do not deserve this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay with this person?

You are not preserving any kind of normal and healthy family life for your kids by staying with him. You should leave for them, not stay for them.

THIS. And OP, I say this out of concern and care for you...but you are just as "sick" as he is from his alcoholism. Please go to an al-anon meeting and get some help to see what damage this is doing to YOU and what damage it is already doing and will continue to do to your children. They will NOT get out of this unscathed. And you do not have the power to "heal" any of this. Only he does. And that isn't fair, OP. It isn't. Because you didn't ask for this and you don't get to choose for him to do the right thing here. Your options are bad and worse. Worse being stay with the drunk husband/dad and have your kids grow up thinking this is what being a dad and husband looks like.
The BAD is leaving him and turning their world upside down in more visible ways (now this means they may live in an apartment with you and "visit" their drunk dad--if he doesn't get help and you have no documentation to stop him from having visitation, this is what happens). BUt at least they see that mom is not normalizing this situation. So they have cues that living with a drunk dad/husband is NOT what a healthy family looks like.

OP...act now.

[Anonymous]

Film him. Every time he does this.

Build your case and hire a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation. Have been divorced now for two years, and am so much happier and healthier. I got full custody of my child, too, because deep down inside my ex knew he was a trainwreck and lazy/self-centered, not capable of caring for a child full-time. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know it was the absolute best decision for me and my child. She misses her dad, and has had trouble adjusting, but these troubles are much less severe than witnessing the alcoholic and abusive behavior of her father. You must do the right thing for your child, and for yourself. Call a lawyer and make a plan for the worst case scenario, but hope for the best. And ask friends/family for help. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Take control and do what is needed. You know what that is. Trust yourself.

[Anonymous]

NP. GO TO AL-ANON. you didn’t cause it. You can’t control it and you can’t cure it. You can only change you. Start with going to 5 meetings. I promise you you will get answers. If you want any chance at saving your marriage just go. If you don’t want to then get out of there and still go to Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

Go chumplady.com to get help and advice.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, as I read your post and you got to the part about his EA and wanting to separate I felt relief that you had a way out! That this would be your escape. Because your situation sounds like a living nightmare. Are you so in the thick of it that you can’t feel how poisonous it is? There’s no calm or health or healing that will come - EVER - unless your DH acknowledges he is an alcoholic (and possibly self-medicating for depression/anxiety) and gets help. You have no control over him, so start by getting help for yourself (al-anon and therapy).Otherwise this will continue and worsen until you and your kids are sick and damaged.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy for your kids and yourself. And he goes to inpatient rehab or kick him out. You’re describing my childhood and it was awful. 30 years later and I’m still dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

I am not justifying it. But DW brought so much distinction to our marriage, that I began to drink a lot. My Father in law the same with my Mother in law. Also, my brother in law with DW’s sister.

We all could have handled it differently. But their lack of common sense and needy since of approval drove us crazy.

For instance, while back in big snow storm, mother in law could not decide whether to stay home or go to other daughters house. I reminded her to take her medicine and stuff. At height of storm she decides to leave. So brother in law drives 45 minutes to pick her up. When they arrive at sisters in laws home - guess what? She realized he forgot her medicine. Despite a heart condition my brother in law spent the next 24+ hours shoveling so they could get a taxi in to take her home to get her medicine.

Afterwards mother in law tells all her friends about it, because she feels loved because they worked so hard for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not justifying it. But DW brought so much distinction to our marriage, that I began to drink a lot. My Father in law the same with my Mother in law. Also, my brother in law with DW’s sister.

We all could have handled it differently. But their lack of common sense and needy since of approval drove us crazy.

For instance, while back in big snow storm, mother in law could not decide whether to stay home or go to other daughters house. I reminded her to take her medicine and stuff. At height of storm she decides to leave. So brother in law drives 45 minutes to pick her up. When they arrive at sisters in laws home - guess what? She realized he forgot her medicine. Despite a heart condition my brother in law spent the next 24+ hours shoveling so they could get a taxi in to take her home to get her medicine.

Afterwards mother in law tells all her friends about it, because she feels loved because they worked so hard for her.

And that drove you to drink? Sure.

[Anonymous]

You would rather have your kids grow up in an abusive environment than be a single mom? That is the dumbest, most selfish thing I've ever read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not justifying it. But DW brought so much distinction to our marriage, that I began to drink a lot. My Father in law the same with my Mother in law. Also, my brother in law with DW’s sister.

We all could have handled it differently. But their lack of common sense and needy since of approval drove us crazy.

For instance, while back in big snow storm, mother in law could not decide whether to stay home or go to other daughters house. I reminded her to take her medicine and stuff. At height of storm she decides to leave. So brother in law drives 45 minutes to pick her up. When they arrive at sisters in laws home - guess what? She realized he forgot her medicine. Despite a heart condition my brother in law spent the next 24+ hours shoveling so they could get a taxi in to take her home to get her medicine.

Afterwards mother in law tells all her friends about it, because she feels loved because they worked so hard for her.

Way to blame the women for your issues, loser.

[Anonymous]

OP, from your post, I suspect your husband had already cheated. Multiple times. He is emotionally absurice and a drunk. The guilt must eat him alive, and I suspect contributes to this cycle.

Don’t confront him yet. Get help for yourself first. I don’t know how self-sufficient you could be without help but I would urge you to call The Women’s Center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, as I read your post and you got to the part about his EA and wanting to separate I felt relief that you had a way out! That this would be your escape. Because your situation sounds like a living nightmare. Are you so in the thick of it that you can’t feel how poisonous it is? There’s no calm or health or healing that will come - EVER - unless your DH acknowledges he is an alcoholic (and possibly self-medicating for depression/anxiety) and gets help. You have no control over him, so start by getting help for yourself (al-anon and therapy).Otherwise this will continue and worsen until you and your kids are sick and damaged.

+ 1, and your two children under 5 will think this is exactly how life and love should be, and will seek our home environments like that and work through their own trauma. Stop this nowOP. Rip off the band aid. Get help, leave, set a date to do it and get in gear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would rather have your kids grow up in an abusive environment than be a single mom? That is the dumbest, most selfish thing I've ever read.

I grew up in a house like that
We all turned out okay. This is not something I would recommend. I did wonder why my mom did not leave, but it must have worked for her in some way.
Your marriage is not going to get better. You will find ways to endure it. You will also find that people don't want to listen to your stories of woe.
As adults we all became alienated from our parents. My parents do not really even know my children.
You are supposed to be there for your kids. Your kids are not supposed to be your emotional support to get you cope with the man you married.

No choices are easy. Alcoholics anonymously is useless.