Reply to "Walkaway Wife"

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to ""Walkaway Wife""

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thank you so very much for all the thoughtful and insightful comments. To try to answer some PPs:

Yes I do feel like something died inside early last year. Each time I shared my needs over the years and he brushed them off — more quality time together, more help with the kids (both logistically and in an engaging in their lives kind of way), more sharing stressors and feelings instead of turning inward — it was like a smalll cut, a small betrayal and abandonment for me. (It took me a couple months of my own therapy to even use those words to describe it). Additionally there were some larger injuries that also felt like abandonments peppered in there. Then when we had the last major conversation about me needing more of his participation and support and he literally said “I can’t give you that” it felt like a bomb just dropped and squashed a part of me, the part that had suffered these smaller cuts over and over. How do you heal from that?

We are both very logical, grounded people and that is helpful for many things in life but not sharing your feelings!! We have come so far. In my own self improvement I have recognized that I thought I was being a great communicator all those times I brought up my needs but that in hindsight I rarely used strong language to describe what I was feeling. I am better able to do that now — we both have more language to articulate our concerns and fears and feelings now and we both recognize that will serve us well no matter what happens.

I agree that maybe this is about trust. Being able to trust that he’ll continue to step up his parenting, his family engagement, his setting work boundaries, and his openness and communication with me. He has been doing better at all of those but maybe I need more proof over time that those will “stick” which can help re-build my trust in him as a partner.

This week I specifically said what I need from him right now is that he get into his own individual therapy. He’s done a lot of personal improvement on his own but I think it’s plateaued and I think what I may be missing is a stronger feeling that he is accountable for what he contributed to this situation. One of his mantras has been “it’s a two way street” and while I do truly believe that, I do blame him more for the situation we’re in and unless he can see that and acknowledge it I think that will be an obstacle. I told him this and I hope he can spend some of his own time navigating that concept. I had suggested it a few times but only this week did I specifically say I need him to do that. He already found someone and is going to initiate.

We are still going to continue with couples but we did move from every week to every other week since we have been consistently able to talk to each other openly at home outside our sessions. But I hope that as he explores his own therapy that those sessions will continue to be productive and create breakthroughs.

I am also going to start building out some of my time to do other things that are important to me, which I hope will be not only personally rewarding but will help me sift through some of my wants and needs for our relationship.

It’s very difficult to strike a balance between him giving me space and us spending time together and being intentional and choosing love actively. At one point we discussed possibly separating and trying that out but we are both concerned it will make it too easy to slide into the next phase and divorce.

I like what some PPs said about what a true transformation might look like — he has genuinely said that if I chose not to stay together and we divorced, he would completely understand why. That gives me some reassurance that he can see my perspective unlike before, and he understands his role in how we got here.

We are trying to make sure that if we quit this we do it because in the end it’s not right, not because it’s just hard. [/quote]

sounds like you are not at point of divorce. don't let anonymous strangers on the web push you over the edge one way or another
20 years is a lot to give up without deep thought, effort and maybe a bit of a fight.
give him some grace 
trust but verify
it sounds like he and you will both be OK if indeed you decide to part ways. that should take some pressure/burden off to try a little bit more
best wishes

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics