I absolutely hate the way my 13yoDD dresses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Don’t buy the clothes. Problem solved.


So you dress your 13 year old or insist she buy clothes you prefer?

Yes! She is 13!! Why are parents so afraid to parent?!? In a few years, fine. I get you need to start giving up control and allow more decisions but 13? Hard no.

And , yes it would be great to change male sexist culture, but it won’t happen today or tomorrow. So you need to be prepared to deal with it and the unfortunate circumstances that it gives rise to- please educate your daughters to be cautious even as you strive to change the unhealthy norms.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. I have sons and one wears old, stretched out, gym type clothes all the time. Sleeps in them and goes out. His gf too. I honestly don’t understand.

We’ve been gentle, we’ve discussed appropriate attire, we’ve acknowledged he feels it’s the person and not the clothes theory, along with also sharing out thoughts that while ideal, not quite how the world works.

I’ve occasionally taken out the really worn out things and waited to see if he would ask. I’ve even bought new versions of the gym shorts he prefers ( all to no avail.)

I hate it as no one else in our family does this. We are not clothes snobs so not sure why he took this path. I do think in general a lot of his peer group dress similarly but he is really bad.

We put our foot down on family gatherings or events and he will wear what I buy or put out for those. He’s a senior so a bit different in age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the premise the society pressures women and girls to cover up. In my experience over almost 50 years, society pressures young women and teen girls to display their bodies. Boys never walk around with their bellies on display or their ass cheeks hanging out. Why? Because it’s generally not comfortable and they don’t feel the need to display their bodies in order to garner positive attention. Putting aside things like girls going run a run or out on a very hot day, I think it’s indisputable that most girls are doing this either to attract the male gaze or to satisfy some societal expectation of what is feminine or in. (Note all the threads on this site about women looking dowdy or like an old lady if they wear bathing suits that cover their ass or their stomach.)

It's both.

The age-old dilemma that you're a slut if you have sex, and you're a prude if you don't. You're not cool if you don't wear revealing clothes, but if you do, you're trashy and skanky.

Males absolutely walk around displaying their bodies. I worked at a gym, and it was always the guys who would take their shirts off long before they even started sweating, then walk around flexing for the attention. And they wear short shorts. Ever hear of Ranger panties?

If the problem is the male gaze, then we need to fix the male gaze, not put the onus on females. Teach your boys not to objectify females. Men need to understand it's not okay to sexualize teenagers.

My European friends don't get what the big deal is. They see bodies as just bodies. Stomachs are just a body part, legs are just a body part, no need to keep them covered up. Even breasts are no big deal. Not everything has to be sexualized.

Please... we might as well pop out men's eyes. Ain't gonna happen, ever.

Also, this is a 13 yr old girl we are talking about, dressing to show off her body. That's not appropriate.

Also, my DH is from the UK, and he recently went to his friend's house, and their 13 yr old girl was wearing a tube top. She is very large chested. He found the way she dressed inappropriate.

So females have to alter how they dress because men can’t control themselves? Hello, rape culture.

Females should be careful when they go out, period. That's just reality. It would be nice if we didn't have to, but that's not reality, and you do a disservice to your DD if you don't teach her what real life is like.

Please teach your DD that if she walks down a dark alley at night, she may get mugged or worse. So, don't do it.

Please teach your DD that if she gets rip roaring drunk, she is an easy target for getting raped.

Please teach your DD that if you display your wares, there are pervy men who will look. No one has the right to touch you, but you can't stop them from looking unless you gouge their eyes out.

I'd love life to be all puppy dogs and rainbows, where there is no rape, girls aren't sexualized, every child is loved and has plenty to eat, but that's not reality.

So wearing a crop top is the same as walking down an alley at night? Smh.

My daughters know they have the right to wear whatever they want, and if any man thinks it gives them the right to disrespect them or touch them, law enforcement gets involved.

Research has shown over and over that the “don’t get drunk” warnings simply don’t work. Bystander training is much more effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

Its her money correct? Then you dont really have a say. You are making a fight about her independence and thats going to go sideways. She is buying crop tops not mushrooms.

She knows you think they look trashy because you are saying too revealing and too mature. You need to start to have REAL and HONEST conversations with your daughter about the balances that females have to make. If she is a dancer or swimmer she has already been in skintight revealing outfits, so there is hypocrisy at play here. Its not her body its the clothes but you are also saying the clothes are how she is being judged. These are really NUANCED conversations that are important to have. I mean you can talk about how the world wants women to cover up and its ingrained and how some people think that the way someone dresses reflects how they should be treated. There is some truth to that. Just as there are trashier outfits there are power outfits. No one deserves to be treated poorly because of the way they dress but it happens- she needs to be aware of things she CAN control and the things she cant control are other peoples reactions to her. She may like that she is looked at and desired. You see her as 13- her brain is not fully developed but the body develops faster than our brains do. Her body signals reproduction if she has breasts and hips, which is sexual.
Look at the school in FL that took the yearbook photos and covered up girls who had ANY amount of cleavage showing. https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/25/us/florida-yearbook-photos-altered-trnd/index.html

You make a lot of good points but you are delusional if you don’t think a parent has a say over a 13 year old.

DP here. I have raised two girls. They know how to dress appropriately for different occasion. If they are going out partying their clothes are certainly more body-con. But they are not wearing that when going for a walk around the neighborhood. Yes. You absolutely have a say over what a 13 yr old is wearing. You also have a say over what a 16 yr old is wearing.

They would absolutely change clothes once they left the house.

[Anonymous]

I know it doesn’t look great, but it’s actually the style right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

Its her money correct? Then you dont really have a say. You are making a fight about her independence and thats going to go sideways. She is buying crop tops not mushrooms.

She knows you think they look trashy because you are saying too revealing and too mature. You need to start to have REAL and HONEST conversations with your daughter about the balances that females have to make. If she is a dancer or swimmer she has already been in skintight revealing outfits, so there is hypocrisy at play here. Its not her body its the clothes but you are also saying the clothes are how she is being judged. These are really NUANCED conversations that are important to have. I mean you can talk about how the world wants women to cover up and its ingrained and how some people think that the way someone dresses reflects how they should be treated. There is some truth to that. Just as there are trashier outfits there are power outfits. No one deserves to be treated poorly because of the way they dress but it happens- she needs to be aware of things she CAN control and the things she cant control are other peoples reactions to her. She may like that she is looked at and desired. You see her as 13- her brain is not fully developed but the body develops faster than our brains do. Her body signals reproduction if she has breasts and hips, which is sexual.
Look at the school in FL that took the yearbook photos and covered up girls who had ANY amount of cleavage showing. https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/25/us/florida-yearbook-photos-altered-trnd/index.html

You make a lot of good points but you are delusional if you don’t think a parent has a say over a 13 year old.

DP here. I have raised two girls. They know how to dress appropriately for different occasion. If they are going out partying their clothes are certainly more body-con. But they are not wearing that when going for a walk around the neighborhood. Yes. You absolutely have a say over what a 13 yr old is wearing. You also have a say over what a 16 yr old is wearing.

Can you describe to me what you actually say as your teen walks down the stairs in an outfit that you don’t completely approve of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it doesn’t look great, but it’s actually the style right now.

No its a fast fashion right now. Style is individual or performance and thats the lesson that needs to be taught here. Kids need to learn that they need to cultivate a style. As I explained it to mine, 1)Clothes should accentuate the person. They can be fashionable and on trend but still require personal touch, otherwise its just the same thing everyone else has on, 2) What you wear can attract the attention of someone, but you get to determine what message is sent. And you get to determine if your one OF the millions or One in a million.

[Anonymous]

Mom of older DDs here. I used to joke with my young teen that if she wore Daisy Duke shorts, so would I. I would come pick her up at school and jump out of the car with my butt hanging out and yell "LARLA? LARLA SMITH? Where are you? Your mom's here!!

I told it to her in a very friendly way, not in a shaming way. I think it made a dent.

But here is the real advice for you, OP: (That I learned in a book on dealing with difficult teens, called "yes your teen is crazy")

Teens NEED to rebel. It's part of their hardwiring in their development. So, it might be their messy room or clothing choices or "forgetting" to take out the trash, every single day. Or it might be drugs, sex, driving without a seatbelt, getting drunk, sneaking out at night.

Your kid needs to rebel. Don't worry about the clothing, the weird hair...in short, let them rebel if it doesn't matter.

And too-short-shorts don't really matter. Someone is going to wolf-whistle her and that will take care of it. Or comment in some way. The problem is when that person commenting is YOU, it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

There is more going on here than you're saying. I can't imagine saying this or even thinking it about my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

It’s your money and you have a say u til she’s buying it herself with her hard earned money. Talk to her about how she might not realize the unit ended attention she will get from creepy older men if she continues dressing that way.
I hate that they sell that crap in sizes small enough for 9 year olds, let alone 13 year olds.
I am having a lot of conversations with my 11yr old about it. I have been explaining the difference in what one can wear to the beach vs around DC. You need to appear to have pants on, for instance. And yes, no butt cheeks exposed even if bending over.

[Anonymous]

Also, don’t encourage it which tasteful versions of slutty clothing.

I have told my child I don’t want her looking like a prostitute. She was a little shocked but seemed to get the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it doesn’t look great, but it’s actually the style right now.

Only for those who don’t have parents who parent. If the kids 17 or 18 fine. A 13 yr old is a baby in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

There is more going on here than you're saying. I can't imagine saying this or even thinking it about my kid.

Give me a break holier-than-thou parent Also, how old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it doesn’t look great, but it’s actually the style right now.

Only for those who don’t have parents who parent. If the kids 17 or 18 fine. A 13 yr old is a baby in many ways.

A baby? In which ways are they babies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it doesn’t look great, but it’s actually the style right now.

Only for those who don’t have parents who parent. If the kids 17 or 18 fine. A 13 yr old is a baby in many ways.

Are you the poster whose 13 year old has to go to bed at 7pm every night?