Affair discovery anniversary is wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two years ago, on my wedding anniversary, I found out my husband had a month long affair with a colleague. The affair ended immediately upon my finding out. It was devastating for me. We are reconciling. My husband was/is remorseful and has put a lot of work into saving our marriage. We are in a good—maybe even better—place than we were before the affair.
However, I consider the anniversary of the day I found out about the affair to be the worst day of my life. It gives me PTSD just thinking about it. I don’t want to celebrate my wedding anniversary. Last year, I just told my husband I didn’t want to celebrate and he was sad but obliged. The Day came and went without any acknowledgment, per my request.
I honestly cry every time I think about it and don’t want to commemorate the date again, maybe ever. But is that being petty? Is it keeping us from moving on when we have in every other way? I don’t want to make this into a big deal, but I also can’t bring myself to celebrate a day that was so painful for me.
It’s been two years.
It will be our 20th anniversary next week.
Any thoughts? Do I just suck it up and do whatever he plans?

OP, you wrote: "I honestly cry every time I think about it and don't want to commemorate the date again, maybe ever. But is that being petty?"

With as much kindness as possible, have you asked yourself what you would you tell a friend? Would you tell someone your shared a similar, confidential revelation that she or he was being petty for feeling the way they do? What would you say to someone who shared their grief with you?

You are not describing petty behavior.

You are describing grief.

You were betrayed by your husband.

Grief does not simply 'go away'.

You are still in pain.

It is normal that you are still in pain.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/202002/coping-the-residual-effects-affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.
We just had a big anniversary and got new rings—no infidelity but we e been through infertility, bankruptcy, family deaths, etc. hard shi$. Maybe something like that to make it New. Hugs. You can get through this.

PP, imagine if your partner was cheating on you in the midst of going through all those hard shi$ events. Then what?

[Anonymous]

Ok that would end it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^no, vow renewal is post-affair. At least that’s what everyone will assume.

+1 I assume a vow renewal is about an affair. Maaaaybe after drug rehab with no affair but even then I think it's probably both.

Same. I always assume it's because someone somehow broke one of their vows... That's why they need to make the promises again .

+3 Good advice not to post it on social media if you renew vows. I assume at a minimum they almost got divorced and likely an affair if the original vows aren’t enough. The one exception is if it’s something like the 50th wedding anniversary with a vow renewal - at that age I’m not thinking recent affair though you never know.

[Anonymous]

I never broke my vows. My husband did. I don’t need to make mine again. He can pledge his with a post nup.

[Anonymous]

You need to reclaim the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never broke my vows. My husband did. I don’t need to make mine again. He can pledge his with a post nup.

Really wish I had demanded a post-nup detailing favorable divorce, child custody and support arrangements after finding out about the infidelity. It would have made me feel much more secure. Unfortunately, 20 years ago, the advice I got from a very well-respected and high powered attorney was that these are unenforceable at that time.

DH begged me to stay together, of course, because that came at no cost to him- make a few promises, attend therapy a bit, lie a LOT about what actually happened and then once I’m sucked back in slowly revert back to cheating behaviors.

It was all a huge waste of time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never broke my vows. My husband did. I don’t need to make mine again. He can pledge his with a post nup.

Really wish I had demanded a post-nup detailing favorable divorce, child custody and support arrangements after finding out about the infidelity. It would have made me feel much more secure. Unfortunately, 20 years ago, the advice I got from a very well-respected and high powered attorney was that these are unenforceable at that time.

DH begged me to stay together, of course, because that came at no cost to him- make a few promises, attend therapy a bit, lie a LOT about what actually happened and then once I’m sucked back in slowly revert back to cheating behaviors.

It was all a huge waste of time and effort.

I’m sorry you experienced that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the replies!
I was ALWAYS one of those “kick them to the curb if they cheat” people. Until I found myself in the situation and realized that there are so many factors that make that decision less clear-cut.
Long history of being together in a generally happy marriage. He’s my best friend. I do still love him, and I know he messed up but loves me too.
4 wonderful, well-adjusted kids. He’s an amazing dad
Close, intertwined social/family/in-law relationships
Finances (although I’m well off in my own career so this would not stand in my way).

This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry and hurt. He’s remorseful and trying very hard. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe he would cheat again. We are both trying hard to make our “new” marriage as good as possible.

At the moment, I don’t want to find a new date to celebrate. I don’t want to renew my vows. I think we have to earn celebrating our marriage again, with time.

My preference would be to just act like the anniversary is any other day and for it to be over quickly. Go to work, come home, have dinner with the kids, watch a TV show and go to sleep. But I know my husband will try to do something special, so I have to make my wishes known and that will be the awkward conversation.

NP. This is what I have thought this entire time. You don’t have to celebrate, OP. It’s okay for that to be a temporary consequence of his infidelity. Maybe an act of service for him would be to allow you to use the day however most helpful. If they is walking by a lake, being apart, together, whatever.

Roadmap your future at the pace that sustains what is good in your marriage and your family. Only you know that. It is OK to go slow, make some detours, change things or add new starts.

Don’t let his guilt and his inability to deal with his guilt, be the impetus to rush through your processing of rhis. If he does that he still doesn’t get it.


I hope you all had a good Father’s Day.