Affair discovery anniversary is wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.

This is a lovely idea. Another date could be if you can think about what day you decided to stay vs. leave, that’s the anniversary that gets you to 20 years.

Yeah. Just don’t post the vow renewal on Facebook or tell your friends, because then everyone will know he or you cheated.

Really.

Lots of people who aren’t dealing with infidelity do vow renewals, on dates that aren’t their anniversary. I’m general I just see them as romantic.

[Anonymous]

^^no, vow renewal is post-affair. At least that’s what everyone will assume.

[Anonymous]

Most people Just renew their vows in this situation. However, it doesn’t sound like you first him. Why would you want to be with someone who gave you ptsd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^no, vow renewal is post-affair. At least that’s what everyone will assume.

+1 I assume a vow renewal is about an affair. Maaaaybe after drug rehab with no affair but even then I think it's probably both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^no, vow renewal is post-affair. At least that’s what everyone will assume.

+1 I assume a vow renewal is about an affair. Maaaaybe after drug rehab with no affair but even then I think it's probably both.

Same. I always assume it's because someone somehow broke one of their vows... That's why they need to make the promises again .

[Anonymous]

Cheating would be a deal breaker for me.
Regardless of how much I loved my spouse, I would still divorce. How do you even sleep with that person again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Lots of people who aren’t dealing with infidelity do vow renewals, on dates that aren’t their anniversary. I’m general I just see them as romantic.

I used to think it was just an OTT gesture and dismissed it as people's whim and desire to throw a party. But now I am seeing it as a darker thing. Is that what is happening? People are cheating and then renewing their vows?

Oh well, I am a lover of antiquities. I like that my wedding vows are ancient. No need to get a new one or renew the ancient one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you celebrate instead on the day you met or your first date?

+1

[Anonymous]

I applaud you for working through it. It is so hard but it can be better on the other end. The dates don't get easier so pick a new date. The best advice I heard was not to want your old marriage back but create a new one. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I applaud you for working through it. It is so hard but it can be better on the other end. The dates don't get easier so pick a new date. The best advice I heard was not to want your old marriage back but create a new one. Good luck.

I agree. It can get awhile to get to that point too. At some point you either have to choose to end it or choose to move on from it. Staying in that 'in between' place is what will kill you. People get there in different ways---or they end up like Betty Broderick ...which for a few months after I completely understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reason 5602 why reconciliation is a waste of time.

Just do your kids a favor and don't act like this is some great thing and then trash their dad when he's dead and you have the new boyfriend and the love you always wanted.

🎵 hello projection my old friend
🎶 I’ve come to talk to you again

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you spend your anniversary not necessarily celebrating but doing something together - hike, movie, sports event, concert - without the flowers, cards, etc. I admire your working on your marriage and sticking with it, but I absolutely understand how this day is a very tough one for you. Your DH should acknowledge and recognize that - doesn't mean it is a day of blame and anger, but you also shouldn't sugarcoat what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.